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Very complicated and very confused...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by loopyandtired, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. loopyandtired

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    So I have been sexually confused for some time now. I have question weather or not I am bisexual since sophomore year of highschool when my friend came out to me. It really consumed my life when I started to wean of my a libido suppressing s.s.r.i's. In this way I went through puberty at age 18 because out of nowhere I was suddenly having desires. I am all about emotional intimacy. That is my thing, thats usually what attracts me to another person if anything does. But wait I am getting side tracked, lets start with my feelings towards boys. I have always liked boys, or at least I have always assumed that I have. I am VERY comftorable with them. I have felt sparks with a few in my past and I fell in love with one (that obsessive sort of kind that happens once ever blue moon) but nothing ever happened with him... and often I get really bored after the first kiss with a guy and it starts to feel like a chore. But this all seemed to change after I went off paxil. I have not felt anything with a guy once something happens no intense sexual desire , butterflies when they say something cute and flattering yes but no tingling in the parts. I had sex for the first time and felt nothing (but I did not know him that well and there was no emotional attachment to him). Recently I have kissed a guy and it did not feel like a chore but I did not get those sparks either, and this is someone I am interested in and is my type and I have asked my friends and they all think he is attractive, I find I always have to ask, when i was in love with that one guy or thought i was i did not have too. I find when ever I am in a relationship with a guy something has been missing. I always get really into the chase. I seem to like the male genitalia I am totally fine with it...but again every time I am with a guy I freak out ,feel trapped and suddenly look at other guys for an "upgrade". I feel like its always been about the game with guys. Now let me get to girls. When I went of my meds for the first time I became convinced that I had fallen in love with my best friend ( a female). I always found her to be beautiful, I remember the first time i met her; I began to talk a lot which is something I tend do to when I find a girl attractive. Where as with a guy I stay silent and get self conscious. Girls i get nervous (although again I did get the butterfys with that one guy I was obsessed with). The "being in love with my best friend thing" started one night when we were sleeping in the same bed and she put her arm around me. I got this sort of jolt, felt like my skin was burning and felt like a really had to go to the bathroom and I realllly did, my body reacted to her touch in an intense way and i thought that to be odd even if it was in a burning and i need to poop way. When I got back to bed I wanted to put my arm around her to see if it would happen again. Not that it was a good feeling but it was one I had never experienced. Time passed and I got closer to her. I started to get really horny when i just sat next to her. Every time i was around her i felt like I wanted to cry, I became totally dismantled. I ran into her changing once and got really flushed and embarrassed. She sang to me and thats when i think I fell in love with her if that is even what it was (instead of just being sexually confuses by her). I told her I was in love with her. I had a breakdown and cried daily. I could not eat I slept all day because my mind was in a loop. Now keep in mind, I was also going through serotonin withdraw. The fact of the matter is I was absolutely romantically in love with her as i was with that one boy. But neither materialized into anything physical.I wonder if it did if I would have been comfortable with the female physical intimacy it def. seemed like i wanted to touch her all the time, any excuse too. I also wonder if I would have felt anything passed the first few kissing that boy i was in love with. I have kissed a girl (one i did not like particularly at the time) before and it felt no different from kissing a guy. The thought of a vagina used to gross me out, at least i thought it did but now not at all now it just feel the same as a penis. I remember with my friend I really wanted to make her feel good and that sometimes involved imagine myself touching her (although never eating her out just using hands). I also get grossed out from masturbating (that is being in side my self, do not know if that is at all relevant but I am just going to write down everything i can think of when it comes to my sexual experiences)Lets see what else. Ah I love and get totally turned on by lesbian movies and sex scenes. I get the tingles, butterflies (but there has to be an build up and an emotional intimacy). I have watched lesbian porn and I like it, although not nearly as into it as the gay section on netflix ( I have watched every gay film they offer). It seems though that when a girl came on to me unless i felt like nothing like i do with many guys I got that burning I need to go to the bathroom and i feel like I am about to cry freaking out , make it stop feeling. But I am feeling things. Where with guys I am not. But after the burning stops and the diarrhea I get a that tingling in meh parts. I have never got the tingling from a guy. Only lesbian movies. When I was h.u with a guy when i was going through this who i liked a lot as a person and was very comfortable with I remember I was not feeling it then i thought of my friend and got really horny. The thought has crossed me that maybe I just like being the dominant one. That I freak out when i am not in control sexually. Anyway I am just exhausted. I Have o.c.d and i think this all started with an obsession of not knowing what I am. I have gone through thinking i am totally gay, bisexual, asexual, and strait. I honestly think I am something else every other week. I would experiment with a girl but i would have to feel comfortable with her and safe, know her well. But sometimes I think maybe I can not be comfortable with women. I fantasize about women more then men but maybe thats because its more new and novel. I think about both genders when I am...in the shower. I am constantly checking and obsessing. I do not even care what i am i just want to know who I am.I am curious to what the burning and loss of appetite is. I thought maybe that it was revolution but why would i feel that with the tingling as well if it was just a bad emotion. Also I have felt that burning without the disgust (with the friend i fell in some sort of love with) But she was not coming on to me I was thinking of coming on to her I get all sweaty,went into the bathroom got super turned on and later that night I could not sleep because she was in the bed with me and I was to excited or something. Perhaps the burning is an anxiety attack but why should I get that when a girl comes on to me. When I come on to girls it turns me on. I remember it turned me on to come on to a guy i did not find at all attractive when I was in middle school. Oh and growing up I always had crushes on female teachers and older women blondes in particular. I always passed it of as wanted a lot of moms...but now i realize it was more then that. I would often imagine myself crying in their laps growing up which is kind of weird. Sometimes i can not see my self growing old with a man. Maybe thats because I believe they wont get me. Maybe I just fear relationships? I used to be really freaked out that I was bisexual but now I am freaked out that I am not. Seems to always be one or the other. I just want to feel emotion and attraction, and it seems I can only fall emotionally in love with women, but then freak out from the physical(when they come on too strong to fast) instead of me too them. Anyway Hope this makes some sort of sense.I really only fantasize about girls . But I also have higher standards with them lookwise which is such an asshole thing but...its just true.Oh also its important to mention that i "fell in love with the girl" when she was about to leave for college. Maybe I wanted to get physical because i was scared of loosing her? But I have to say I have never been so eager to jump someones bones that I was with her, and never so emotionally invested. Okay I need to stop now. Jeez homesexual o.c.d is a doozy. Oh btw I have told many people about this, I am not at all ashamed by it. I was raised by a gay man and I don't have any of that weird religious guilt. I would love if i was sexually fluid and flexible and all the doors that it would open. Anyway let me know what you think.Maybe I want to be gay? I just Have no idea how to read myself anymore. But I know I have been turned on by both until they pursue me...