1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Just a massive mess, really.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Melodic Discord, Jan 14, 2014.

  1. Melodic Discord

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2014
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I've never said this anywhere before; never spoken a word about this to anyone, meaning it's got bigger and bigger in my head and I just need to get it out somewhere. So bear with me...

    I think I may be gay. Or bisexual. I don't know.

    When I'm around girls, my really close friends, even, who are absolutely beautiful, and I just want to be closer to them, if that makes sense? Not even to do anything, like just to hug them or kiss them and hold their hand and stuff like that, silly stuff.

    But at the same time I've always seen myself with guys - getting married, having kids, the lot. And when I look at guys, I can see when they're attractive, but it doesn't feel the same as it does with girls? But then sometimes it does, which then confuses me even more. And yet at the same time when I imagine my future I see it with a guy - a husband - and it's hard for me to figure out whether that's cause I like guys, or because that's just what I'd always assumed I'd have?

    I've never been in a relationship - with anyone, male or female (which at 18 probably sounds really pathetic since I'm pretty much the only person I know who's never had a boyfriend/girlfriend) so it's not like I can just kind of....compare and see which I preferred?

    Getting the general idea that I'm making no sense here.

    But it's got to the point where it's consuming far too much of my life - doubting and questioning and just being so damn confused the whole time, to the point where any moment I'm not focusing on my school work or with friends or something, I'll be analysing my entire life in my head in a completely ridiculous way, trying to figure myself out.

    I know this place can't necessarily offer me any answers - I wish there was some magic quiz I could take, just so I could know, one way or another - and posting this here has been even more scary than I thought it would be, but I just needed to say it, to someone. Despite the fact that I've contradicted myself a million times within this post alone.

    I just feel like I should know, even though some part of me knows that's illogical, and despite the fact that I know others struggle with this too, I can't help but feel completely alone. And it really sucks. :bang:

    I'll stop my pity party now, thank you for reading :slight_smile:
     
  2. pinklov3ly

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,445
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Musty Mitten
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I can most definitely relate to this because this is how I felt about my female friends growing up. And usually, that is a pretty indicative sign that you're not 100% straight.

    It's not surprising that you want to marry a man, have kids and live happily ever after. I used to feel the same way growing up, and I have kids, but I could never get married to a man because I prefer to with a woman.

    I mean, I hated the idea of being gay/bisexual at first, but once I accepted it, I felt a lot better about my life and future.

    I can't tell you who you are, but I think you're capable of falling in love with women as well as men. All you have to do now, is make yourself available! Try going out with friends and meeting new people.

    Whenever I'm out and about, I have a tendency to check out women and it's so much fun! So, make sure you observe who you catch your eyes drifting towards. I literally feel like a little kid in a candy store; there are so much choices.

    Trying to figure out who you are is pretty timing consuming so try to relax. If you enjoy the idea of being with a woman emotionally/sexually then it's safe to say that you're probably bi-curious/bisexual. If anything, just take your time and keep an open mind :slight_smile:
     
    #2 pinklov3ly, Jan 14, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2014
  3. cameron23

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2014
    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    I literally could have written that yesterday. I completely understand/relate what you are saying. I too sometimes wish there was a magical quiz that could just give me the answers straight up to all my questions. You are definitely not alone in this, don't ever doubt it.

    Personally, I was recently/still partially at that stage of confusion where I couldn't pin anything down and it's like every time I thought I had an answer...it just floated away. It's hella frustrating to say the least. I can tell you though, what really really has helped me over the past month is journaling. I write down every stupid little thought I have about myself and my sexuality, even if it sounds retarded or doesn't make sense. I write it all down. Every feeling every thought, I don't hold back anything. And then, I read over what I wrote, and from doing that, I was able to identify that I had some real fears about specific things, and once I uncovered those fears... you guessed it, I got some answers! It's a great way to organize those swirling thoughts, I highly recommend it.

    Don't feel bad about the whole dating thing either. I didn't have my first serious relationship until I was 22!! Honestly, I think the best thing you can do right now is try to be as brutally honest with yourself as possible. You have to get other people out of your head. Sounds weird I know... but what I mean by that is, you have people in the back of your head, mum, dad, friends, cousins, etc... you have all the rules of society you were raised with in there, you might even have your own voice of self-doubt... all those "other people" can create barriers ( at least that's what I found) meaning you think, but what if I am a lesbian? Somewhere in there.... your own true voice is buried beneath all the "other people" in your head.
    It's hard to let go of our "perceived" pre-judgement of what other people would think/say. But those perceived judgements cloud our thoughts from finding the clarity we seek, SO what can you do about it? Ask yourself the question " if no one was around then what?" or "if I could be in a place where no one would find out about my actions/lifestyle, what would I do?" basically you have to imagine freedom from judgement of any kind... that helps you hear your own voice. At least it helped me some.
    And you might have to acknowledge any fears you may have, because fear itself could be hiding the truth from you. When I started to uncover answers for myself, I realized it was because I was afraid, and what does fear usually do to us? It makes us do one of two things: nothing, or we run away.

    Hope this helps a bit I just thought I would share what I found helpful so far. Good luck and don't forget to give yourself some patience, I know it's hard but the answers will come, just have some faith and you'll get there! :thumbsup: