I'm not sure what I'm expecting but considering how many times I've posted attempts to seek help before I figured it would be sensible to go somewhere that is specifically designed for that. So here it goes I guess... For about a year now I've been constantly afflicted with romantic feelings towards guys, and as a guy myself this has been something that has niggled at the back of my mind for what feels like an eternity. I attended a single gender high school and when I started puberty I couldn't even stand the idea of other guys naked or in porn. But over time my views changed, and a few years ago I had what was almost a crush on a classmate of mine. I noticed that I was looking at things which a few years ago would have seemed disgusting to me. Then about a year ago I started actually feeling like I might not be as straight as I had always assumed. I started trying to explore my sexuality but kept coming up against a brick wall until I met some people on the internet who talked to me about orientations and so on. They insisted that it was stupid to care about such things, but it ate me up inside then and it still gets under my skin today. I read "inspirational stories" about coming out but it feels like none of them apply, I still have some attraction to some girls but the number is tiny and I never seem to get why my friends are so excited by certain girls. But at the same time the guys I find attractive also seem out of sync from what my girl friends and gay friends find attractive. I tried dating a guy who was in a similar situation as I am but he was too nervous and so we never got to try anything that would quiet the troubles in my heart. Now I'm at a stage where for the past few months I've been thinking of guys all the time, but I constantly end up subconsciously testing myself as to whether I'm actually bi or just attracted to feminine features (or something). I think I'm attracted to my room-mate but I honestly can't tell, it's a total disaster going on within my brain. It feels like I should also mention that the only time I've actually felt like swooning because of love was for a guy during the summer, but after a few days this attraction had largely faded. I saw another thread titled "I'm just a mess" and that's how I've felt about my orientation for years now. I'm sick of being uncertain, afraid and over-analyzing. Part of me wonders whether my single gender HS "made me" this way, part of me wonders whether this is all just the effect of looking at porn regularly and as such associating guys with pleasure. Part of me wonders about all these things, and it feels like I will have no peace until I can be absolutely certain. I'm 18 going on 19 and I want this new year to be a new chapter in my life, but as long as this issue remains I can't see how anything will happen. I don't have any idea what posting this will achieve, but it can't hurt to vent (again). :help: PS: I realize this post is somewhat rambling, sorry.
It's sounds like you are likely bi or gay, both of which is totally fine. If you find yourelf more likely to be attracted to guys that definately means something. The fact that you have been attracted to some women as well could just mean you are bisexual with a preferance towards men. To clarify the type of school you go to does not have an impact in determining your sexual orientation, many people who go to all boys schools are straight just like many people who go to mixed gender schools are gay. also there really isn't anything that can 'make you' gay or straight or anything in between. You just are who you are Have you been with either sex in a romantic or sexual way? It's not a required factor to determine your orientation as many people know they are X or Y without having those types of experiences at all but it can help you to get it all worked out in your mind. Don't rush yourself to figure it out, I know it's hard to be second guessing your own thoughts and feelings but in time you will know exactly what you like and can go from there.
Sorry for the late response, I don't really have much privacy here on campus. I've not been with either sex in any serious way, with IRL meetings and so on. Thanks for the response though. It just kind of sucks feeling so unsure, sometimes I feel certain I'm bi and sometimes I'm certain I'm not. It's really weird
It sounds like you are struggling with the label more than anything. I didn't really notice that you were struggling so much with what you like but with what you call yourself. Don't worry, it isn't uncommon. My advice is to try and stop worrying about it. It seems like so many forces are trying to pin titles to people. Like another poster said "you are who you are." And believe me, being honest with yourself is an amazing first step. And it sounds like you are well on your way. People find different avenues for exploring their preferences. I am sure if we started a thread you'd have hundreds of suggestions. But you might simply seek out the gay organizations at or near your school. It sounds like you are in college, so there is quite possibly a group on campus. I am not sure where you are located but there are websites that facilitate people meeting up for group activities. Non sexual things like hiking and bowling etc... Meeting people who have struggled and are struggling will help you establish a frame of reference to which you can work on figuring your own label out. As far as the sex goes, try not to be in a hurry. I remember as a teenager that waiting wasn't really easy to do. The time will come. Enjoy the stolen glances at your roomie. Get out and meet people. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to find someone who will get your motor running... (Or maybe just take it out for a quick test drive).
What you're saying makes sense, I guess I'll just have to stop being so shy and find a way to meet people outside of my existing friend group! It still makes me feel nervous though :icon_redf
