Hey there. Been browsing the forums here a bit and seems like a nice little community, and I really wanted to make a post in the interest of catharsis and maybe some advice. Or just internet hugs. Internet hugs are good too. So anyway... I'm early 20s at the moment, and I've been in a relationship with a guy for around 5 years. Around when I started dating him, I considered myself bisexual with a preference towards guys, but over the years that balance has swung more and more firmly towards girls, to the point where I'm not really into guy sex anymore. It goes further than sex, too; I feel like I have a kind of dissonance to thinking of myself in a het relationship, and I often feel envious when I see a lesbian couple. More and more I feel like I'm probably gay - though doesn't exactly feel comfortable either. For the last couple of years, it's been a more open relationship (and long-distance too, thanks to work), in that I've got permission to have sex with girls. That helped things for a while, but I still really don't like the idea of a settled down future in a het relationship. The obvious solution seems like to break up with my boyfriend and date girls, but the problem with that is that I love him, it's a really good relationship - incredibly good communication, a big lifeline to back home, and I would feel very scared and alone without him. It would also destroy him - as while we've discussed basically everything I've posted here, he would do almost anything to keep the relationship. So... Yeah. It's a difficult situation. I really wish I'd had more time to experiment with actually dating girls before getting into a big serious relationship, but it's hard to exactly plan these things. Now I feel like I'm stuck between staying in the relationship with my boyfriend and spending the rest of my life regretting and feeling weird about it, or breaking up with him and in doing so potentially destroying the best relationship of my life. I mean, it's still possible that I'm not actually gay, or that my sexuality isn't on the Kinsey Scale so much as the Kinsey Stupid Pendulum Thing, and part of me is holding out hope that it's the case. Has anyone here ever tried relationship breaks, or had any success with them? I feel incredibly cruel to basically keep him hanging around on my uncertainty and confusion, but I can't find any way to actually work this out. Is there any kind of therapy that might be useful, or is that likely a dead end? Thanks for listening. I don't expect anyone to solve my problems for me, but any encouragement or suggestions would be lovely, thankyou. -hugs-
It's so crazy how many posts I've been reading in different forums that I literally could have written myself. I can relate to a lot of what you said and I understand you 100%. Especially what you said about wishing you played the field more and being caught in between staying with him because it's comfortable and also wanting to leave because you don't want any regrets. It's a sticky spot to be in that's for sure. I was there 6 months ago. I dated this one guy long-distance for 4 years, broke it off at the end of June. It was difficult to leave, it was scary, hurt like fucking hell because I actually DID care about him and love him but.... I am glad now that I had the courage to leave. You are doing what I was doing though. You are thinking about what he wants, and not what you want. You are trying to make sure nobody gets hurt and you don't have that on your conscience. It does suck feeling guilty because you know your actions hurt him but... it will suck even more if you go your entire life with these questions eating away at you. It all comes down to your happiness in my opinion. What is going to make you truly happy and free? You can't think about what he wants, what your parents want, what anyone else but you wants. I know it sounds kind of heartless and selfish in a way but it's not. Maybe right now, for you, happiness= freedom to find the truth in yourself. I think you are on the right track though. Don't worry about it too much. One way or another, you will find your answers. I was in the same boat as you, and now I'm in a completely different place with this. Listen to your heart, that's the best advice I can give you, don't spend too much time in your head.... it gets awfully noisy/confusing up there, but your heart... your heart always knows the truth! You just have to be willing enough to listen, and when it comes to it... have courage enough to follow it *hugs* Good luck!
I think you need to tell him how you feel and end this relationship , I would think if your boyfriend truly love you as much as you love him he will set you free . No one wants to be in a relationship with someone that does not love them as much as they love them I've had this done to me not in the same way but an online relationship that i've had the girl never loved me but stated with me because she didn't want to hurt me I realized she was not in love with me from how much i saw her withdraw I could sense her unhappiness that she was not in it . I would rather a person tell me that they have fallen out of love or whatever than stay in a relationship with me and pretend they want to be with me when they want to be out of it . I would rather you be happy than live a lie and I would feel better if i found some one that could return my feels that have someone I cared about stay with me just because they are worried about hurting me . Yes I would probably be sad if that person left but I will grow strong and move on It's better to deal with a month of sadness than realized that some one stuck with you for years and did not feel the same way you felt about them . I would be glad if that person in my past was honest with me instead of pretending to love me just because they didn't want to hurt me .
I've been in your situation before when I was 19 throughout my mid 20s with an ex boyfriend of mine. I'd known him since I was 15; he was my first love, so I'm sure you can imagine how difficult it was to let him go. Prior to my relationship with him, I was with a woman (my first girlfriend), but things didn't work out with her. In the beginning of my relationship with him things were okay and he was fully aware that I considered myself bisexual at the time. However, I started to feel differently as time passed and I desperately wanted to be with a woman again, so we eventually went our separate ways. After breaking up with him, I started dating women and had much success, but I ran into a bit of trouble. I'm guessing that my expectations are probably too high and lately, I haven't been pursuing any women. Well, at least not since my ex girlfriend and broke up last November. Fast forward to now - my ex boyfriend and I started seeing each other again and well...things are okay, like they always have been. We actually have kids together and I love him, but I don't feel like I'm in love with him. There's something missing still and even after all this time. I thought that I had everything figured out, but I do not. If anything just be honest with your boyfriend because he deserves that more than anything. But most importantly, you have to be honest with yourself first. Can you imagine your life without him? I know that idea may seem scary now, but things will be okay. Whatever is meant to be will be, so breathe and really think about what you're giving up. One of my biggest worries was having regrets and that I do not need because life is so short. Your happiness is just as important as his (*hug*)
I've just been through pretty much the same thing. Was with my boyfriend for about two years, we had a good relationship, never had any fights, liked spending time together etc. But I felt like there was something missing and that I also would like to try dating girls and if I didn't I would feel like I missed out on something big in life. He thought our relationship was perfect (even though I have to admit that it wasn't at all perfect, but it was really good) and I felt shit about even thinking about breaking up with him. I came to the conclusion that it was for the best for both of us in the end, it's not good to be in a relationship if it doesn't feel completely right. You just have to figure out what's most important to you in life to make sure you can be happy. Break ups will always be total shit in the beginning but it will heal over time. There will always be someone out there for you even if you have to be lonely for a while first. Maybe you could still be friends though? I'm sill hanging out with my ex sometimes. I still care a lot about him and I'm glad that we could manage to stay friends, sadly it doesn't work out for everyone. I hope you can find support here and hopefully irl as well. And I really hope it will work out for you. I'm sending you lots of internet hugs because these situations sucks so bad!
I've been there, minus the sexual relationship back when i was in my late teens, early early 20s. Please don't leave him hanging on. It will onlly hurt more in the long run, the longer you draw it out, the more its going to hurt. Be honest with him, but firstly be honest with yourself. So you want to end up resentful of him. Blaming him for your life. Do you think he wants to be with someone who does not want to be with him?
Thanks a lot, everyone! Feels like everyone has a pretty general consensus and I suppose deep down I know you're all probably right. It's really helpful hearing from other people who have similar stories, though; it always feels like when you're in a relationship, everyone around you just expects you to settle down and have 2.4 kids, which is scary and impossible to think about when you aren't sure of your sexuality. I think I'll probably try to go along to a couple of meetings at LGBT support groups in my city, it seems like there's a fairly solid community here and I think that would really help too. Thanks again!
