Hey! I am here basically because I am hugely confused about my sexuality and have been for sometime. I really don't have another outlet for my confusion and have no one I can talk to about this sort of thing so hopefully you guys can help! Its quite a long and complicated explanation but hopefully you can give me some answers/advice/clarity. Basically I'm a 22 year old guy. I've been having doubts and confusion about my sexuality probably since I was around 14/15. When I was younger I did think of homosexuality etc very negatively. Being raised in a very conservative environment etc I think is why but I changed my views as I got older. Also I should note thati still very much like girls I havnt really questioned that at all until now. My attraction to females in every sense is there 100% I think. Anyway I think the first occurrence of something homosexual occurred when I was around 14/15. It was a guy (gay guy) on tv I thought was attractive. This was extremely weird for me because I had never thought like that and had always been in negative environments regarding gay people. For me the thought of gay sex or just homosexuality was to be repulsed. As time has went on however this has become gradually a little stronger and like I said I developed more open minded views about these things! In terms of physical/sexual attraction I have went from thinking this was repulsive to starting to think it was ok to actually enjoying looking at males and being aroused. I started to think about men and gay sex more and more and like it. I started to watch gay porn and fantasize about men and masturbate to these thoughts and enjoy it. I did and still do however feel guilty about it afterwards. In terms of romantic attraction to men. By that I mean think of them as 'boyfriends' or relationships etc I was initially as anti-that as everything else. Later however I started to feel it was ok and whilst I don't think of myself doing that I maybe consider myself that if I ever did have feelings for a guy or wanting that that I could, maybe, be an option. To give my state at the present. Like I said I am sure my feelings for girls are just that of a straight male. With guys. I do see guys online/on TV for example that I think are attractive and arousing. In real life however this isn't as frequent. Quite often when I see a guy I tend to think of him as good-looking rather that hot but this sometimes happens. In person I tend to be attracted to a larger number of girls than guys. In terms of masturbation/fantasies/porn I am regularly having gay thoughts etc. and liking it although the guilt thing is still there. I am regularly playing out scenarios in my head where I end up getting with a gay guy. I cant deny that I do find guys attractive and arousing and that these feelings have been becoming more acceptable, more frequent, more enjoyable and stronger since they began. I think maybe some of my confusion is a result of the anti-homosexual environment I live in and that my be making me repress things. Personally I am open-minded about these things. If I am gay, bisexual or whatever I just want this all to be made clear to me so that I can come to terms with it as part of my life and hopefully move on, even enjoy it...... I think that is the most important details although if there is something else I haven't considered please ask. Basically with all this in my head I am so confused about my sexuality. I don't know what it all means or what I am. I have many questions: Does this mean I am bisexual? Why am I so confused about all this? How can I go about accepting this if I am? (I don't care if I am I just want to know so that I can accept it and be myself) Am I becoming gay? Am I in denial? How can I be sure? Thanks, look forward to your reply and hope you can help me.... please do reply and be as honest as you can! Vinnie
Hey Vinnie! Welcome to EC. Before I get to your questions, I'd like to share a few things about my realization. I came from a very conservative background and had similar reactions to homosexuality early on. My realization that I found guys attractive was very similar to yours minus the attraction to girls. I felt so ashamed after watching gay porn, but I knew I liked it. I eventually accepted my attraction to guys. I didn't realize that I was fully gay at this point, I just knew I liked guys. So I came on here. I eventually did come up with a label, but I think one thing that helped with this was not searching for a label if that makes sense. I just focused on my feelings and what I liked instead of trying to fit myself into a box. On to your questions: 1. I do think that it sounds like you have an attraction to guys as well as girls, but I'm not going to try to label you. 2. You're confused because it's confusing, especially coming from a background like yours where you're taught that it's wrong since you were little. It's also difficult if you don't have people you can talk about it with. 3. The short answer: time. Just know there's nothing wrong with either way, and try to focus on your attraction, not the label. 4. No. You said it yourself: you're attracted to girls. You may just be realizing your suppressed same-sex attractions. 5. I don't think you're in denial. I think you've realized your attraction. I think you're just too focused on labeling yourself. Hope this helps!
