In love with my best friend. Does he like me back?

First, i want to talk a little about your friend. Now a thing like this never happened to me, but like a good OCD guy i have read so much scientific publications about this subject and talked so much of it with therapists i could write a book about it.. Since i’m Italian, i could make grammar mistakes or translate badly some of the terms, not using the right correspondent term in English , and this is a good possibility since some of these terms are used in psychology books.

So, he has told you he'd rather be with you than his girlfriend, but he couldn't. Well let examine the meaning of this words. Do they mean that he actually can’t do it, like that he has a chip in his mind that will take control of his body if he tries to leave you and prevent him from doing it? No, this is not the case. What he really meant was “I’d rather be with you than my girlfriend, but I will not”.

So assuming the first part is true, why will he not? Because he is scared of course. But why is he scared?

You know, fear doesn’t exist outside of people mind. It is a result of thoughts in our mind, even if we are not aware of these thoughts. If a gay guy that is out of the closet and proud about it comes and kisses you and has sex with you, he will not fear it, he will like it. So what is the difference in the mind and in the thoughts of your friend and the proud gay guy? The proud gay guy is thinking “I’m kissing and having sex with this guy and I like it, which means I’m gay, and it’s great!! Let’s have more sex !!”. But what is your friend thinking instead?

You know, when you go at the bottom , there are 2 ideas that terrify people in the closet, and in general people that are afraid of being gay : 1) i must not be gay because if i am gay it means I am worth nothing ; 2) i must not be gay because if am gay my future will be terrible and I cannot bear it. This 2 ideas are called anxiety of value and anxiety of discomfort (I used google translator here, you may want to search for the right terms in psychology books).

Anxiety of value= This idea can assume many forms and use many words, like “gay people are not good, gay people are sinners, gay people are shit, gay people are deviant, gay people are wrong etc.etc. but the basic concept it is always the same with different words= gay people are worthless.

anxiety of discomfort= This idea too assumes many forms but it is more related to the future and to the people around you , meaning “my parents will abandon me, my friends will outcast me, my girlfriend will hate me and hurt me”, and for religious folks also “god will take me and put me in a fire that will never end” = my future will be terrible and I cannot bear it..

So what your friend was thinking was “I’m kissing and having sex with this guy and I like it, which means I’m gay. I must not be gay because being gay means I am worth nothing, and my future will be terrible and I cannot bear it. ” So, with these ideas in mind, he acted as he did.

And now we know what your friend is thinking. But let’s examine the centre of his thoughts again:

“I must not be gay because being gay means I am worth nothing, and my future will be terrible and I cannot bear it.”

Is this true? If this is true what proves your friends has it is true?

It is useful for him to think that way? If it is, how it is useful?

How does he make him feel to think in this way?

Also, please examine this idea:

“I must not have an y chromosome*, because to have an y chromosome it means I am worth nothing, and my life will be terrible and I cannot bear it.”

How it is different from the other one?

Well, if you read all this, and answer the questions, you had your first contact with cognitive psychology. I told you all of this to make you understand what is happening to your friends, because to understand it will make it easier to accept it.

We can discuss your answers to the questions and what you feel about the answers, and if you want can tell me what you fear and are unhappy about, and I may try to tell you what are YOUR inner ideas.

But if you are really depressed, go to see a therapist, it will help you a lot.

 

This is heartbreaking. You love him, and he clearly loves you but is struggling to accept that he is gay or bisexual.

First of all, I think you two should have a SOBER conversation. Avoid bringing up his sexuality. Rather, talk about your unique relationship. That will probably be easier for him to discuss than actually being gay.

Beyond that, I'm not sure what to say. If I were in your position, I think I would want to wait for him. I would try to be as supportive as possible. But I can't even imagine what you are feeling right now, so that is pretty easy for me to say.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I truly hope you guys will end up together in the end.

---------- Post added 16th Jan 2014 at 08:55 PM ----------

I realized that I didn't answer the actual question in your title.

Yes, it is blatantly obvious that he likes you. Hell, he even said he loved you. Whether or not he will ever accept himself is an entirely different question, and that is why you have a problem. Hang in there bud.

 

I'm so furious about this "I love you but I can't be with you". My supposed 'girlfriend' has and is doing the same thing. It hurts. I understand. All I can say idls good luck. And my situation is currently not working out and I don't know if your will. But hope it does. Stay strong!