Hi, I'm a 20 year old male. I think I might be gay but for a long time I've had serious doubts if thats what I "should be". Starting around middle school (thirteen) I begin sexually experimenting with both genders. I liked both equally for the most part. Fast forward to my sophomore year of high school, I've been in serious relationships with several women and even a man. Around this time I began dating a girl, let's call her Sally. We saw each other a lot and often slept together. School age drama saw us seperate but we spent time with each other regularly as friends. We both begin seeing other people now. Sometime around my junior year I lost the ability to become sexually aroused by women. I accepted this as homosexuality and for the most part had a great remainder of school after I stopped trying to sleep with women. Sally and I spend a lot of time together now, we have a very "bro like" relationship. We see each other nude, out of the shower or changing a lot. I often have strange deep feelings when I see her this way. Not always sexual, seeing her happy makes me feel good and I genuinely enjoy her company. I never become aroused but more and more I find myself thinking of her. I wish I didn't think so much. Now leaving school, I stop seeing my friends as much. When I do I don't have much to say anymore. I often think of those feelings from before. I stop seeing men now, the romantic attraction is gone. Sally's still here, she stopped dating long ago. I can see she is upset, maybe with herself because we cannot be together "that way" any more. We attempt intercourse several times but it never happens. We used to talk about starting a family, now neither of us have a reply when the other brings it up. She's still my best friend. Fast forward to the present, not much has changed. I don't see my other friends anymore. Time seems to go faster now. I am very sad now. Work and socializing just feels like waiting now. For what, I do not know. Sally is always here to console me when my thoughts and feelings get the better of me. I often see the same look in her eyes as I do in my own. She has needs I am not sure I can ever fill again, I've talked to her about this and she says its OK, we'll make it work. It sure doesn't seem ok. I care about Sally a great deal. I love her and want to have a life together but at the same time have come to the realization I'll probably never be able to change my physical sexuality. I've told her I am OK with her seeing others but she will hear nothing of it. I've tried dating again, though I've never saw the same man twice, it never feels "right" besides when we're sleeping together. She's obviously missing something now, as am I, and I'm afraid the only way either of us will find it is if we go our seperate ways. Neither of us seem content being "just friends". In the end I hold on to the hope something can change the way I feel but I don't feel any closer than the day I began trying Please if you have any advice or have went through something similar let me know :icon_sad:
Is it possible the erection issue and the sexuality issue are physically separate... Although maybe anxiety about being gay makes you lose the erection. Hypothetically this is not the same as BEING gay.
I don't think its anxiety about being gay so much as not being what I want to be, if that makes sense. I've tried everything short of medication to illicit a response "down there". I'm not opposed to it, I just can't imagine being wrote a note for sildenafil because I'm sexually confused. Maybe my physical attraction for women will come back. Hopefully it won't be too late if I ever see that day
Hi, and welcome. When one is trying to figure out where one "fits" on the sexual orientation spectrum, there's a lot of confusion, and a lot going on between the conscious and the unconscious. For nearly all of us, the idea of being gay isn't neutral; there's almost always a negative connotation with it because of all of the messages we get from media, organized religion, and much of society, not to mention our parents and friends, if they are perceived as conservative and unaccepting. So when you're addressing this confusion, I would suggest that perhaps you have to think not only about what you're feeling, but about the potential for underlying "agendas" (i.e,. unconscious telling you that being gay would be bad) that can interfere. Another piece is this: If you're feeling depressed, which is a pretty common experience as you're processing issues associated with your sexual orientation, then the depression can affect your sexual arousal, regardless of whether you're with a same-sex or opposite-sex partner. As for Sally... she sounds like an amazing friend, and a connection/friendship you should cherish and continue to nurture. Whether or not you and she are or become life partners, it's clear that this relationship is something that holds a deep connection and value for both of you, and there's really no need I can see, at least at this point, to worry about whether it is or is not sexual... you can simply experience it for what it is. As far as sexual orientation, if i'm hearing you correctly,you indicate that when you have dates with men they never feel "right", except when you're actually havng sex. If that's the case, I find that pretty telling and profound, because it sounds like your actual sexual arousal is strong and active when you're with men, but near-nonexistent when you're with women (or at least, with Sally.) That could indicate to me that your sexual orientation is probably toward men and not women, and that some part of you is likely uncomfortable with the idea that you're gay... perhaps because of the fear of losing this wonderful friendship/connection with Sally. But that doesn't have to be the case; there are many gay men who have amazing, very close friendships with one or more women, but their life partner is, of course, a man. And those relationships can work really well. Someone may come along and suggest you're some variation of asexual/heteroromantic-homosexual/something else. I seriously doubt it, and I'd respectfully suggest that considering those sorts of things aren't likely to be helpful to you, as you've already spent a bunch of time looking at different aspects of yourself and trying out different sorts of relationships. I do think that finding a therapist who is fluent in, and experienced with, sexual orientation/LGBT issues could be really helpful to you. In the meantime, talking more about what's going on for you here may also be a big help in giving you some things to think about and clarify.
