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here again..

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by anon12, Jan 18, 2014.

  1. anon12

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    growing up, i always felt straight. i was (and still am) sexually attracted to women. enjoyed fantasizing about girls sexually in my school, watched ALOT of porn which was always straight or lesbian porn..when girls would send guys naked pictures, i always got them sent to me, loved actresses like Hilary duff and the mowry twins growing up, searched for celebrity actresses naked..i guess you could say i was a real pervert..

    i was however, not great with the ladies in person. i was so incredibly shy. i remember being in 7th grade and had my first girl friend and being so nervous and shy about putting my arm around the girl friend at the movie theater. i was and still am afraid to make the first move. i sort of need the women, not to necessarily to make the first move, but sort of give me a green light to make a move to a point where i know i wont be rejected. i remember being 18 a few years ago and a senior in high school. this girl liked me. i liked her. we spoke about hooking up and i was excited to actually kiss a girl and stop masterbating (sorry) anyways, our first kiss was great. i felt something for her. and from then on, i loved kissing her. i was awkward about doing it, but none the less, i enjoyed it. we went to a movie and i put my arm around her, and it was great. she however was cheating on someone for me, so it had a hangup to it. long story short, it ended.

    i believe i have been in love with at least 2 women in my life time. and when i say in love, i mean in love. one girl in the 8th grade which carried over into high school and then really peaking my senior year, and another girl my sophomore year of college who i think i am still somewhat in "love" with. in between, theres been numerous crushes on girls but these 2 girls in particular, i got close to and ended up really falling for them.

    so with that said, i did not however become sexually active until 19 years old. i got my first BJ then from a girl who was just sort of there at the time. she was good enough at the time. and i was good enough for her. nothing special between us. i then developed a crazy amount of acne and become a recluse in college. i hated going out to parties with so many zits on my face and redness. it was a nightmare. it wasn't until last year until i finally got rid of it completely. i started talking to my friends about becoming really desperate to loosing my virginity. i was just tired of being the one in the group who was a virgin. we never talked about it, but it was just sorta known that i really hadn't hooked up with girls. NOT because i didn't want to but because i had been rejected by many girls throughout high school. i was friend zoned nearly all the time. my friends sort of changed my "game" per say from my natural "Corey Matthews" nice, sweet guy to a guy "Player." They told me how to get girls, the way they do. How they talk to girls, what to say..the whole 9. so i started taking their advice and it worked. i finally lost my virginity. it was nice. but to a girl whom i really didn't know, care to much for or have a ton of feelings for. she was cool but not all that attractive. but i felt good. hooked up with a few more and to be honest, they felt great but something was missing. i was thinking of other girls while hooking up with these girls. they werent who i "wanted."

    fastward - i was with a girl and we were smoking weed. i was nervous. it was just me and her in my basement and i wanted to hook up and I *think* she did to. we finished and i started kissing her. it was a little awkward and i was torched so i become very sensory. i was aware of just about everything i was doing. my heavy breathing, my gut, my loud and dark damp basement, the lights, my eyes being opened and my kissing. things just seemed off, so she left.. and i sort of sat there .. embarrassed because that had never happened before. i started thinking why? first thing that came to mind was the weed. its always had this sort of effect of me BUT then i had a thought.."what if your gay?"

    it didn't seem possible and i didnt really give it much thought. but a few weeks later after another girl sort of screwed me over, i became depressed and it popped into my head again. this time i gave it some serious thought. could it be true? could i be gay. I thought and "fantasized" about sex with a guy and I will be honest, it did not turn me on. it made me uncomfortable..

    well this has haunted me now for a while. off and on for the past couple months. my mind tells me I'm gay, bi sexual, straight, or demisexual. i have posted here before and ive had advisors and the like tell me im straight or very leaning straight and that it was likely an obsessional OCD complex thing. which would make sense, however it does not make the uncertainty go away.

    you could say the last few months have been hell for me. ive tried to analyze my past for hints that maybe i was into guys but didn't know it. and there doesnt seem to be anything definite. i compared myself to other guys but never had a sexual thought about them. i knew a good looking guy from a bad one but it never seemed to make me think otherwise? in grade school, my friends and i would joke about doing gay things with each other. for example, a friend of mine would walk behind me and whisper "kiss me" into my ear. reading it might sound weird, but it was just something you knew wasn't serious at the time. stuff like that which i don't think is anything out of the ordinary.

    ive been here for quite sometime. some days, like i said, i am confident in my straightness other days, not so much. ive taken advice from people and truly entertained ideas that i might be gay. i think i have been open with myself. but when it comes down to it, sex with a man, in fantasy and even in porn, doesn't seem like something i want to do. i cant get aroused by thoughts of men and in porn, i cant really become aroused. could i manually get myself going and eventually finish? yeah, but its not something that is immediately arousing to me, like women are. i have "tested" so to speak and found that even if i do get a slight arousal to a male fantasy, a women fantasy is always more powerful and stronger.

    emotionally, i know i am not interested in a relationship with a man. thats never really been an issue and i don't seem to obsess over that. i have always wanted and really see myself with a wife in the future. i equate it to the the Corey and Topanga concept. (for anyone who remembers that show) i believe i found my "topanga" (sorry that was cheesy) in these 2 girls i met in middle school and high school. i saw forever in these girls.

    so yeah..here i am, months later and i have read so many different perspectives and ideas that my head is about to explode. fundamentally, i believe i am straight and only into girls. i see guys on the street or on tv and even if i have a thought like "hes good looking," i still cant see sex being enjoyable. it helps when i hear my straight friends say something like, "yeah hes a looker. hes a good looking dude." so i don't feel like all of my thoughts are 100% gay. and EC is great sometimes..ill read posts that i really identify with and thinking, yeah this is me and it just seems to click that i am straight. other times, i read a post that spikes me, per say, and i start freaking out that i am in denial of being gay.

    im just here to vent and maybe see if anyone can relate to my story and give me advice..maybe even reassurance or even just a new perspective. maybe point out something i am missing, if anything. this might sound familiar to some of you (Chip, Greatwhale, Luthan, Flip) but none the less, im still here...
     
  2. Lawrence

    Full Member

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    Okay, so you fancy women, you fantasise about women, you dated women, and you don't feel the same way about men. Sounds straight to me! Recognising a guy is good looking doesn't equate to being gay. Eh, I remember reading something on the internet about 'aesthetic attraction'. Yeah I would agree with the possible OCD thing. You're worrying too much but of course that sucks. You gotta find a way to cope with the uncertainty or silence it. I've got mild OCD and I tell you people don't understand. If you allow it to take over it becomes stronger. It's like trying not to think of The Game. Best coping method I have is to keep busy. My mind has no room to think when I'm seriously concentrating on a video game.
     
  3. confused1234

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    You sound pretty straight to me. Don't really have any advice.