Hello everybody, I will try to explain my sexual orientation dilemma as briefly as possible: I find girls cute and they catch my eye a lot when I am out and about, but what I used to think it was attraction seems to me now that has possibly always been interest in clothes and styles, and stuff. Through my teen years I saw myself straight although I was always afraid of being gay and felt guilty when pleasuring myself while having fantasies about men or after having wet dreams with men in them. Sometimes, in my dreams, there were women but they had penises. As a teenager I used to fantasize about a girl making love to me with a strap on toy... Then the fantasy evolved into being tricked by a girl to be made loved to by guy while she made me believe it was her with a toy doing it. Then the fantasy evolved into having a threesome with a girl and a guy. Then the fantasy eventually evolved into just being made love to by a guy without a girl being there. Has anyone else been gone through a similar train of fantasies? Also, as a teenager, I ever felt the urge to be intimate with any guy, I did not fall for any guy, at all. More recently when seeing a pretty girl with a nice outfit on, one that accentuates her femininity, I will go "Oh my Gosh, that is truly hot". The thing is though that I do not feel that urge to have have sex with her in the typical way a man wants to have sex with a woman. I might imagine getting down on my knees and give her oral sex, but defnitely not really wanting to put my penis in her vagina so to speak, sorry about the graphic language. While I am with my thoughts there, i.e. pleasuring her orally, I start thinking how much nicer a penis would be, and after that, oh well, it would be nice if the body was manly too. Also because a man would be active and do to me what a man does to a woman and that train of thoughts I find very arousing. I want to be made love to, I want to be the passive half of the equation. I want to feel my partner inside me, possess me, I want to "belong" to my partner. I have only been with two women in my whole life and with the first one was mostly her making love to me with a strap on toy or me pleasuring her with my mouth, although I have to admit I would position myself doggy style while doing it and often imagine I was pleasuring a man and his penis. The second relationship with a woman shows a different scenario, the woman not being into having an active role in love making: fantasies about being a woman is what got me the necessary "physical response" in order to have intercourse. Lately, things have evolved some more: when I see a woman that catches my eye, I really have a hard time imagining myself intimate with her... I am starting to find men more attractive, meaning the percentage of men I find attractive went from one in a thousand a few years ago to 1 to 5 in a hundred, maybe even more. Has anybody experienced anything similar? Am I gay? Are these the steps gay people go through? Or am I just straight and confused? Thanks in advance for any reply!
Just so I'm sure, you say you are genderqueer, I take it you were assigned male at birth? Anyway...I can absolutely relate to this slide in taste. Completely. We'll take the actual label out of it for the moment since it has the potential to make things confusing. Once upon a time I was (or at least I thought I was) totally, 100% into girls. I had one experience with a girl and I'll be honest while I enjoyed hand stuff, anything else felt weird. A while later, I stumbled upon a girl in an h-game I was playing who happened to have both male and female genitalia. It was the single hottest thing I had ever experienced to date, and I am certain it was the penis that did it for me. Shortly after that, I had an...accident...in the shower that led me to discover the joys of putting things in my butt! (see I can be graphic too, it's all fine). From then on my fantasies changed from girls, to girls with penises, I had a lot of thoughts about being penetrated, but I had a lot MORE thoughts about doing oral on them. In fact if I had to pick on thing that right now appeals to me more than anything it is the idea of performing oral sex on a guy or a girl with a penis, which by the sounds of things sounds fairly similar to you. Since then men have been added in to the equation. Now we can deal with labels. I wouldn't necessarily say they were steps ALL gay people go through...I mean some might do, but I'm thinking probably not all of them. However, obviously your gender label throws off any orientation label a bit!
Yes, I was born in a male body but my first memories are of me playing with my best friend, a girl, and engaging in stereotypically girly activities like brushing hair, playing dress up, painting nails and playing with make-up. My parents thought she was a bad influence on my and they stopped me from seeing her. I kept playing with make up and dressing in girls clothes all through my teen years, and I would present as female in public: people who did not know me were not aware that I, andrea, was actually a boy: they thought I was a girl. My first sexual thoughts, which arrived at age 14-15, were of me being a woman romantically involved with a guy. I felt very guilty and I tried to repress all these thoughts. Unfortunately they would come back in my nightly dreams where I was often a woman being made love to by a man. Once awake I would totally refuse the idea of being attracted to a man. I would even look at gay porn and say to myself: see? You do not like two men together having orgy like sex, i.e. you are not gay. I have to add that I grew up in an environement where gay people were seen as weak, perverted, and disgusting: somehing you make fun of, at best, beat up at worst. I did not want to be weak, I did not want to be a victim. I know now that it was baloney, i.e. one can be a gay man or a woman and still be strong and not let anybody victimize them, but back then I was yong an impressionable and I believed all that stuff. I was also the victim of a sexaul assault at age 13, an attempted sexual assault that is: I resisted, ran away, and saved myself from being forcedly sodomized by an older kid. That told me I was not gay or a woman, and I tried to live by that idea. Of course it was baloney: women and gay men can be strong too and resist attacks of perverted men!!! I wished I had known all this back then. More of my story later, but, yes, I too discovered early on how nice it is to be penetrated by all sorts of objects. Thanks for your reply, EliaOtaku, Andrea
