Ok so I'm an 18 year old guy and I think I've always been into guys but thought of myself as straight, but it's always been a really back burner thing until about a month ago. I actually was reading Will Grayson Will Grayson by John Green and there's this part where a guy is really in love with another guy and that's when it really hit me. I'm into guys, I think... I don't really know as of now. So here's my life story in short: ok, when I was a little kid, about five or six I really remember wishing to have this really close guy friend. I mean I had guy friends and all but I hoped for this one friend that would be really close to me. And then in elementary school I actually had crushes on girls but I was just a kid then. The summer before middle school I discovered porn through some searches because of curiosity of wanting to see other guy parts. And I really liked it but it just seemed like curiosity at the time. Come middle school I was kinda turned on by guys and would stare at their crotches and stuff and had weird fantasies but I thought that that was wrong. The weird part is I still liked girls once in a while but the crushes didn't seem strong enough to act upon to start a relationship. I could however imagine myself in a relationship with a girl and actually wished for it, you know all that kissing in the rain stuff. So there was this one guy I hung out with the summer of seventh grade and all off a sudden I got really turned on by him and fantasized about us doing things. But the thing is it was only sexual as I couldn't picture us dating or anything like that but only as really close friends. Then in eighth grade I completely actually fell in love with this girl. It was love at first sight and all but I didn't know how to act on it. Then in high school I didn't like any girls but repressed the fantasies with guys. And in the last few years I've had crushes on girls but nothing that lasts for more than a few days. And the idea of having sex with a girl is actually pretty hard to picture as it doesn't turn me on. I've always only used gay porn and that really turns me on and recently I've tried it with straight porn but I can't even get hard and the girl parts kinda repulse me, no offense. So back to the realization a month ago. I thought about the idea of being in a relationship with a guy and it sounds really appealing and I can actually picture myself in a relationship with a guy and having sex with one, not like with girls. So right now as you can probably see I'm really confused with my sexuality. I've never been in a relationship with a girl and could probably be in one but haven't fell in love strongly enough to be in one but I have fallen in love with guys unconsciously recently and am way more attracted to guys. I'm probably gay but the one thing that makes me doubt that is that I've never know what it's like to be with a girl. I don't know if it's denial of being gay or if I'm just really confused but I would really appreciate any guidance.
Hey there bud, welcome to EC! From the way you've described things, it's clear that you are indeed not heterosexual~ Now, you said that you fell hard for one girl in 8th grade but never ended up acting on it, and then you went on to say that now your crushes on girls only last a few days at most. Furthermore, you also stated that you have a hard time being aroused by female parts and sex with females in general. On the opposite hand, you said that you fantasized about a friend during 7th grade but could only see a sexual relationship and nothing romantic. Also, you said that you could easily see yourself dating a guy and going the "whole 9 yards" with him. I'm not usually one to say that the type of porn you watch suggests your sexuality, but from everything you've said I have a strong feeling that you are definitely leaning towards the "gay" side of the sexuality spectrum. And there's nothing wrong with that~! From the sound of it, you seem like it wouldn't faze you if you were gay. Being able to accept yourself is a VERY important step on this lovely journey of figuring out your sexuality. ^^
"I'm probably gay but the one thing that makes me doubt that is that I've never know what it's like to be with a girl." If I were to go and find you a really cute girl who was willing to have sex with you right here and now, would you go for it? Think about actually having sex with this person, how does it make you feel? Now imagine I did the same but found you a really hot guy! Don't be in a hurry to label yourself one way or the other, because ultimately what matters is your ability to find someone you like of whatever gender and be able to think "I like that person and I would like to date them" without worrying about what gender they happen to be. EDIT: I should point out, that I'm not saying your ultimate goal is to make yourself pan-sexual, that would be really stupid of me. I'm just saying while you are still questioning you are better off keeping an open mind to all possibilities and letting yourself becoming more certain over time!
Thanks for the replies! In response to waffles post, yea it really wouldn't bother me that I was gay. I mean it wouldn't gross me out or anything and I could accept myself completely in the future. I think for now I should just wait to fall in love and see what happens, be it with a guy or girl. In response to elliaotaku, I don't think I like the idea of just using some girl for that. Maybe I can love her but not respond sexuality but I guess I'll have to wait until I find the right person to see what feels right and natural to me.
To be honest it's not even so much waiting for the 'right' person, because realistically, how are you going to know if they are right if you don't at least approach them first! It's more just seeing in future who catches your eye, who appears in your fantasies and you feel you can see yourself having something with. (Please note when I say WHO I mean just, any person of any gender, not somebody specific necessarily).
