I started questioning my sexuality about three months ago, after finding myself crushing hard on another girl in my school who I had little to no connection with beforehand. However, it was just now that I made another connection that spans the chasm that has become my life. I developed OCD about two years ago, in sixth grade. My most notable symptom was the need to be clean (though, oddly enough, this compulsion was ONLY for my hands; the rest of my body could become as 'dirty' as it had to, and the OCD would never trigger. However, I developed a keen sense of who/what was 'dirty' (germs never really came into it for me... It was dirtiness. Not physical dirtiness, but impurity) and what was clean, and I was completely driven by my disorder. I have never had any of the other symptoms to a notable degree, but I have reason to believe that my OCD is linked to my paralyzing (read: kicking and screaming) fear of hypodermic needles; just thinking about them legitimately reduces me to tears 50% of the time. I have a bisexual friend, and October of last year, we were talking. The rest of my friends didn't know she was bisexual, but for some reason, I believed deeply that they knew and that they thought she and I were a lesbian couple because we talked and finished each others' sentences and all that. At this time, I completely believed myself to be straight, and while I was perfectly fine with having a bisexual friend, I was not okay with others thinking I was anything but straight. A similar thing occurred with my mother, who had mentioned to me in early March of that year that she wondered if I had a crush on a certain friend. I did not, and I confirmed to her that I was straight - after all, I was sure I was. Now, I have learned that I'm not straight (though I don't know what I am instead - I feel distinctly uncomfortable adhering to any of the labels put forth by the community) and my fears of people thinking I'm not straight remain - understandably now, as I have no desire to be outed. I feel as if everyone thinks I'm gay and I try to cover it up as best I can, but I also feel like I'm just making it more and more obvious. No one's asked me, but I think that's more out of respect than anything else. Now, I'm wondering if a) before when i was afraid of being perceived as gay, i had any inkling or subconscious impulse that told me i wasn't straight, and b) if my previous obsession and its link to my current fear are at all linked to my OCD. I just don't know what to think any longer. Thank you.
I don't think it was possible for your mind to subconsciously tell you that "you are worried about bring called anything but straight because your gay". Almost every straight person has that worry, if someone was joking with a friend and kept calling them gay or say I g they are gay or bi don't u think they would also be mad there friends were saying something about them that is not true? And it'd possible your ocd can be linked to this. Are you talking to a therapist to help you?
I was in contact with a therapist throughout the summer for my OCD, but I didn't really tell her much of anything about myself. When the school year started my OCD improved at an insane rate, and so I stopped seeing her for my OCD around December. However, my sister and I began to have joint sessions recently because our relationship is.. Unhealthy, to say the least (well, it was unhealthy.. Now it's mostly just nonexistent). She has no idea about my sexuality, my social life, my relationship with my parents, or.. Other things I tend to keep to myself about.
