Are "phases" a real thing?

Well... As for abstract question of whether or not phases exist... it depends on your definition of "phase." That (in)famous "just a phase" is a myth, but many bisexual people feel their levels of attraction to different genders change over time, it has many names like "ebb and flow," "fluid sexuality" and so on.

As to whether you personally would find men attractive ever again... Maybe. Maybe not. You're in a difficult situation right now with all the moral issues an affair entails, so you probably feel some pressure to ignore all that and go on as if it all never happened, but that's the one thing that won't work. Thinking of yourself as "a straight woman who had gone through a phase" simply suppresses whatever real feelings and attractions you have, and in all likelihood would lead to bigger problems later on.

I wish I could give more advice, but honestly, I just don't feel like I'm a right person to do that. I was lucky enough to be single during my coming-out process, and while that made my life much simpler, it also probably makes my ideas on what to do in your situation a bit... Naive. But you aren't alone, and there are people on this site with more experience than I have.

Good luck, and best wishes.

 

This is really up for debate, because while phases definitely ARE a thing, they tend to be a very quick, very intense period and cause far more problems than just pretending it WASN'T a phase.

What I mean by that is that let's say this instance of you liking this woman IS just a phase and you get over it next week for example. If you never like another woman again and go right back to being sexually attracted to men, then where does that leave you? With a random affair you can't really explain even to yourself, because you don't like women that way any more. Perhaps then you question why THAT woman, or if it even was anything to do with THAT woman and not just SOMEONE different or just the change that you liked...it gets complicated.

Probably a better way to be looking at this is to ask yourself what difference it makes to you! So if it turns out it isn't just a phase, what are you going to do about it? If it turns out it WAS a phase, are you going to sit their and beat yourself up about it or will you be able to accept that at the time it made you happy and try not to drive yourself mad trying to figure out where on earth the urge came from?

 

Phases are definitely really for some people in some cases. Think of it this way. Remember back in the second grade when you had a crush on so-and-so? If you saw the 2nd-grade so-and-so again do you still retain that attraction? Probably not.

All of life is full of phases. You can change food preferences, music preferences....walking preferences...change how long you sleep and at what time...change friends etc. And there's nothing wrong with phases. It doesn't make it "less" real if it is a phase or of it isn't. Just go with the flow. And keep in mind we are ALWAYS changing throughout our lives but also might keep SOME things the same at the same time.

 

I definitely agree here. The way you approach this situation really depends on what you intend to, or might possibly, do about it. Does it change your life in some significant way if you decide that this woman may have made you realize you are bisexual? Would it change your marriage, how you live your life, etc? Since you are married, would it be easier to just write it off as a "phase" and move past it? Sexual feelings are very fluid, so the fact that you don't have physical desire for your husband at this point doesn't mean much, and that part probably *is* just a phase, whether it's a mentality thing or hormonal thing or what. It really depends on how you want to approach this, though.

More generally, I don't believe in "phases", as such, and I hate the terminology because of how often it's used to try to "explain away the gay". Be I do believe in the sliding scale, in sexuality being a lot more fluid then most people would care to understand. I'd completely respect someone who says they are 100% gay, I wouldn't push that it might be a phase, or mention that experimenting in other areas might broaden their horizons (my mom did that). But I fully believe that labels are constricting; It's completely possible to *identify* as gay/lesbian, but have a random attraction for a same-sex individual at times.

 

I also believe that sexuality if fluid. And I also don't believe in "phases", as they are a way, in my opinion, to explain away the queer in us.

 

So I guess what I'm trying to figure out for myself is if this is just a "phase" that I'm going through (if phases actually exist), or has my sexual preference changed? Or have I always been bi/lesbian and just never realized it? Is there a possibility that I will ever find myself attracted to men again? Not that it really matters to me, but I was just wondering if anyone else out there had ever been in a similar situation

Not exactly similar, but I had an attraction to just one man after being sexually interested only in women. The difference between the two situations is I was out of my same sex relationship for 2 yrs, and I still had a general desire for women too, I just hadn't counted on falling for anybody, wasn't looking for anybody at the time. Have I been bisexual all this time and not realized it, or was it just a fling, a phase? Don't know.

You also said, "I have found that I am not attracted to men AT ALL anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still find men physically attractive, but I have absolutely no desire to be with a man intimately anymore....my husband included."

Maybe I didn't see it, but are you now attracted to females in general, since that woman is leaving? How do you feel about finding someone else at this point (female I mean)