I keep trying to tell myself that I like guys, even though I love girls and want to be with one. I'm so self-destructive, and I know that even if I'm a bit bi I like girls WAY more than guys. I'm just still not used to it and it's leaving me so confused and I just can't think properly. I was sure that the reason I felt funny round certain guys was because of my autoandrophilia/genderfluidity, and by trying to not think about it, my brain just plops out these possibilities that I know aren't me and don't make me happy. Watching the L Word has kinda desensitised me and I keep telling myself I won't enjoy sex with a woman. It's like denial going out of control. Recently I can really only not care when I'm drunk. I'm scared of all my obsessing with my sexual orientation and my gender, and I just want to know who I am. I've something of a defeatist, self-pitying attitude sometimes and it's reassuring because I'm used to it. I just don't know what to do. There are old parts of my personality I want back, times I can remember when I felt happy. I also need to stop thinking, "God, would the younger me have thought I'd be gay and cool with it?" I thought I was fine with my sexuality but I'm still awkward, especially in social situations (unless I go to a gay bar).
