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In love with a friend? I had to get it out.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by apoptosis, Jan 23, 2014.

  1. apoptosis

    Regular Member

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    Hi! I know that my problem is not that serious, but I've kept it to myself for so long that I just have to get it out. Sorry for my long rambling :wink:
    I'm 17 and I live in Warsaw. I go to one of the best high schools in Poland (some might say: "elite") to the class with extended programme of biology, chemistry and physics, as I want to study medicine someday (in Poland high school begins when you're 16 and ends when you're 19).
    I think I'm a lesbian. That's not really a big issue for me personally, as I've known it for a long time now; it's been 7 years since I first had the idea. So I've grown to accept it with time; it wasn't that hard for me anyway, because the environment I grew up in, including my parents, was never really that conservative. However, people here in Poland often dislike or even openly hate gay people. But it's the opinion of my family and closest friends that matters the most to me and I hope they'll turn out to be accepting when I eventually tell them. But I can't be entirely sure if I really am a lesbian. Sure, I only fall in love and feel attraction towards girls. But how do I know when I never really hooked up with any? To make things worse, I don't have any experience with boys either. Never did I even kiss anybody. How can I make sure I am gay?
    That's why I still struggle with my orientation, I don't want to come out too soon and I don't want to tell my parents until I have a serious girlfriend that I love and she loves me back.
    Until now, school was always on the first place for me. So whenever I fell in love with some girl, I always waited as long as it took for the feeling to go away. I tried so hard to ignore it; it hurt, but eventually it was always fine at some point.
    But I'm just tired of it all. I feel more mature now, I have no problems with school. That's why I think that maybe it's time to give someone a chance? Maybe I don't have to wait any longer?
    There's this girl in my school in the other class of my year that certainly has my attention. The thing is, I know this girl quite well. She lives on the same street as me, but we never really hung around each other. We used to go to the same primary school, then the same middle school, and now we somehow ended up in the same high school. We were never best friends; we sometimes walked to school together or talked during the brakes, but we've never even visited each other. I think it's funny how she was always so close to me but I never payed any attention to her, and now I wish I could have her even closer.
    We go to school by train together, so I see her almost every day. We got to know each other better and I realized that I miss her every time I don't see her in the morning; I think about her when I'm with my friends, in class or when I fall asleep; I almost pray for the weekend to end so I can see her again. I have so much fun around her. I enjoy talking with her more than with anyone else. I learned that we have some things in common and share a few interests, but at the same time we are so different. We have similar temperament - both friendly, smiling almost all the time, but when in her company - I noticed that I just can't seem to ever stop laughing, even over the usual, stupid things. She just makes me so happy.
    I guess I could just say she's my friend and that's all; if it wasn't for this strange feeling I get whenever I look at her. It's warm and comfort and I really love it and hate it at the same time. I want to hug her, hold her hand, touch her skin. I wanna feel her. I want to take her out and kiss her goodbye when we part at the end of the day. I want to give her flowers. I want to show her all the poems I've written about her. I want to be hers and I want her to be mine. Just the other day I realized: I fell in love once again.
    She's an amazing person. Yes, she has a nice face and long, amazing hair; she is pretty - but many girls are. She's very fit and her body looks amazing, because she's a runner and a handball player (just like me), but it's nothing I haven't seen before. She's clever and has read more books than I could fit in my house, but again - most of the girls from my school are like that. What makes her so special to me is that she is a perfect blend of all those things and at the same time still manages to be so easygoing and cool to be with, very accessible. And she is just a GOOD person. She does so much for charity, works with disabled people, volunteers in a hospice... She simply has a big, warm heart that she gives to other people and this thing I admire about her the most. I am so lucky to have her in my life despite everything else, as a friend.
    But could she be more than a friend to me?
    I don't know if she is gay or even bi. I do know that she doesn't have a boyfriend though and through all these years I've never seen her with anyone, but I wasn't interested so maybe I just haven't noticed. I know for sure that she doesn't hate gay people and thinks they are completely normal, because we had this very short conversation about it (she was shocked that a religion teacher told them that homosexuality was an incurable illness). She came to see a school debate about homosexuality that I was taking part in, but she did not voice her opinion then.
    I'd like to spend more time with her. We both have a lot on our minds, but there were a few times when she suggested we go get ice cream or coffee together, or go for a walk in the city center before heading back home after school. We always laugh and have fun making silly jokes. Sometimes if we have our own seats on the train, we make ourselves comfortable, I close my eyes and she silently reads to me whatever book she has with her and I simply love these moments. Other times when we talk about our future and we joke about it, she says that when she'll finally be rich, she'll buy me a huge house and a sports car, but I'll have to keep her company. She doesn't even realize how much I'd love to...
    Yesterday we met at the school cafeteria, she bought a pancake which I didn't like and tried to make me eat it. I asked her what if I made her do something she didn't like? I know she hates chemistry (sort of our inside joke, she hates it more than anything), so I asked her what if I invited her over to learn chemistry together and then I took her to some chemistry lecture at the university; how would that make her feel? And she replied that, fine, if it was with me, she'd go and enjoy herself. I thought it was so sweet...
    I'd like to ask her out sometime. I know she likes ice-skating, movies and theatre, so I could use some of these ideas. The problem is, I'm a very shy person (though I try not to show it) and have no experience with girls; not even boys. So how do I do it and is it even worth it? Do I have any chances? How do I overcome my shyness? And if she refuses, how do I deal with rejection? What if she isn't gay and starts to suspect something? What if she doesn't want to be my friend anymore? How can I know if she's interested in me without asking directly?
    So many questions and no answers. When it comes to love and attraction, I feel like such a dork. I just don't know what to do and she's always stuck in my head. Thank you so much for reading my long rambling. I ask for any advice or opinion. I've been keeping this to myself for too long, I had to get it out. Thanks!
     
  2. Mysz

    Full Member

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    When I read the section about the lecture, I thought that perhaps your friend had quite a few opinions but was afraid to voice them. Girls are very subtle about their hints, and it sounds like in your environment a closeted girl would have to be even subtler. I'd suggest take her out on a few dates without calling them dates. If you go ice skating, pretend to be famous ice skaters and try out a few duo moves. Be casual and lighthearted about it, but judge her tone of voice and her body language when you two are close. You can try a comment like "When we grow up, we should run a business together and be super-successful". Or, if you're going down the medicine route, "If you go to my clinic, I'll give you a discount."

    P.S. Medical school in Poland is supposed to be good, I hope to live there and study in the medical university of Bialystok next year. Good luck =)
     
  3. apoptosis

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    That you, I didn't think anybody was gonna read my message - it turned out to be longer than I'd intended... :wink: I guess you're right. I should take her out while putting no pressure on the meeting and see how it goes. I just hope I'll be able to gather enough courage to actually ask her out. I feel comfortable around her, but at the same time when I have important things to tell her - she just makes me weak at the knees.
    Oh, and good luck with the university! That's what I heard - Med Schools in Poland are good, though often hard - but they're supposed to be like that. I haven't chosen the city yet, but I consider Warsaw, since that's where I live :slight_smile: I wish you good luck!