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Very confused.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Conundrum, Jan 23, 2014.

  1. Conundrum

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    I am completely in love with another guy but I don't think I'm gay.

    I have always dated females but most of the girls I've been with have driven me crazy and I was rarely interested in sex. Though I do enjoy it, I am just so self conscious all I can think about is if I'm doing it right, is this the right speed, is my dick to small - literally everything but pleasure. I started fooling around with guys out of curiosity after years of gay porn, which I enjoy as equally as straight porn. I continued to date girls but after the last girl I met a guy and fell in love with him. I kissed him the first night I met him because he was so charming and adorable. We began dating very soon afterwards. We had sex frequently, though I never really enjoyed it, but eventually stopped completely. Bottoming does nothing for me but the idea of it does when I masturbate; topping is as awkward as having sex with a girl and throws me off because he's bigger than me (taller, a little heavier, generally bigger than me though not fat) and hairy and I guess that doesn't appeal to me... Semen tastes disgusting and precum too. Dicks just aren't my thing. I feel like I may have fetishized gay sex by watching gay porn. Either that or I'm not attracted to his body type. We broke up because after a while of not having sex, then not even jacking off together, to not kissing to not touching.

    However, excluding sex it was the most absolutely perfect relationship I've ever been in and I still love him. But I just am not sure if I'm gay. I don't get enjoyment out of gay sex or even kissing! I love being with him and him holding me and cuddling me and the very basic romantic stuff. I want him so bad, just not sexually. I've only felt like this about one girl and not as strongly. When I think about girls I don't feel that same romantic feeling I do with him. It's tearing me apart. I told him I'm not gay because I know sex is a very important part of the relationship but I still question it. I still love gay porn, find guys attractive and still love him. There could be many factors in all of this (I have low testosterone, depression, anxiety blah blah and was coming off an anti-depressant if had been taking for five years when we broke up. As I've continued to ween off nothing has changed. Anyone been in this situation?? Anyone have any advice? If I wasn't clear or you want more info or just have questions I will be happy to answer. I am typing this on my phone so I couldn't be as thorough as I wanted (which probably would have confused it more anyway). Thanks.
     
  2. paranoidkid

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    Probably bisexual leaning more towards girls in my opinion. Or a homoromantic Heterosexual. But if you ask me when you find the right girl you will finally fall in love. You don't seem to be in denial at all. I do also know people saying that friendship and love is very easy to get mixed up. So maybe you just have a super strong friendship or a "bromance" with this guy.
     
  3. Conundrum

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    Maybe. I've read about homoromantic heterosexual and that's the closest to anything I can find. I just love him so much and I try to make myself feel sexual towards him but I just don't. He's very attractive so it's nothing like that. He has pretty much abandoned me because I may genuinely be straight, even though I don't have any interests in anyone at the moment and don't think I will for a while just because he was so perfect to me.
     
  4. paranoidkid

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    Take your time no worries.
     
  5. Conundrum

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    Well what do you do in the situation of homoromantic heterosexual? Just avoid relationships? I can't please anyone including myself. I don't like being with women, I don't like having sex with men.