Hello! I am seeking some opinions in order to try to make sense of all the thoughts floating around in my head. I hope some of you might have some insights for me! I am a twenty-one-year-old girl who is suddenly questioning everything she thought she knew. It is terrifying and I do not like it. The short of it: I literally go from missing my ex and wanting to call him and beg him to give me another chance one second to thinking that I'm a closet lesbian who will never love a boy again in the next! The long winding novel of explanation of my every feeling: Two months ago, my boyfriend broke up with my out of the blue and it broke my heart completely. I loved him more than the world. I pathetically still cry about it because I miss him and thought he was the one. Up until about a month ago, I was still completely certain of my sexuality. I had fantasized about spending my life with this guy and always knew a man was who I wanted to spend forever with. I'd never fantasized about girls. My crushes were always on boys. But now, for whatever reason, I'm freaking out. At some point, the thought of "He doesn't want to be with you because you're gay" popped into my head or something along the lines of "You could never make him happy because you're secretly gay". I thought this was odd because I've always been pretty boy crazy. Like, to the point of being accused of being too much of a flirt. Now, my best friend of twenty years is a lesbian and she's described her sex life to me before and I had always known pretty clearly I was not into that. We still talked about everything in that regard but she had her tastes and I had mine. It didn't make me think twice. I even asked her some pretty personal questions in order to understand my boyfriend's tastes. Like, why do people think boobs are so great? They're just squishy blobs on a chest. But I always knew, I didn't really want to touch other people's boobs. Like, what is the point? I know how it feels when a guy touches them and that was great but I never understood his motivation, really. At first when she came out to me, I wondered, how did I know I was straight? At that point, I'd kissed one boy at 15 and didn't like it. He put his tongue in my mouth and I was pretty sure people should not do that. It was slimy and weird. So I wondered if something was wrong with me that I didn't want to kiss him but my mom reassured me she didn't like her first kiss either. So when my friend said, "I'm wondering if I might be gay" my reaction was I've wondered that too, mostly based off the fact I hadn't liked kissing a boy yet. Then she started describing the girl she had a crush on and how she'd never felt that way about anyone, boy or girl. And I knew that was not what I was feeling, since at the time I was head over heels for a boy who was heartlessly stringing me along. I didn't kiss another boy until I was nineteen (my recent ex). But with him, there were fireworks! I wanted him touching me all the time. By the time we were together five months, we both were certain we'd found "the one". But weirdly, when we were doing long distance and he sent me a letter expressing his intense love for me and I was going through a rough time at work, some little voice in my head said, "You can't love him back like this because you're gay." At the time, I just looked at the thought and said, where in the world did that come from? I've never been attracted to girls ever. So I let it go with no further thought because I loved this boy with every fiber of my being. But when things started falling apart this fall and I thought he didn't love me anymore, the thought popped into my head again. It just said, "girls", not specific girls, not one girl I had secret feelings for, just my head trying to tell me I liked girls. Again, the thought went away because I didn't give it much attention because I was thinking about what to do about my relationship problems. Of course, we eventually broke up. During the summer and the fall, I was struggling with depression and anxiety but wasn't diagnosed or seeing a therapist. This was too much for my ex and he left me once I started putting the pieces of my self-esteem back together. It broke me completely. But about a month after our breakup, I started obsessing over sex. I could no longer fantasize about my ex because he'd hurt me so badly. I panicked and obsessed over the fact that maybe he would be the only guy I would ever feel attraction to. Then this panic turned into panic that I must truly be gay! Still, at this point, I'd never been attracted to a woman. I'd been drunkenly kissed by a girl friend at a party but it didn't do anything for me. And we did it for the attention we got from men. I was always obsessed with attention from men. It got kind of obsessive. I would check which gender I was more attracted to on the street. I still didn't feel any attraction to girls but I freaked out when I noticed their boobs or butts. Still, though, when I sit in class, I subconsciously evaluate the guys who walk in on their dating potential. I am questioning everything! It's like my mind is telling me I have to be gay even though I've always been the girliest of girly girls who is the biggest flirt on the planet. I lived for attention from men. But now, I can't even tell men from women and watch tv and can't read relationships at all. Mother/child/friend/lover all looks like the same intimacy to me. My head is all a jumble of confusion! But then this morning, a good friend of mine came over and we started talking about my breakup and her recent engagement and all of a sudden the thought popped in my mind that I wanted to kiss her. Which is odd because I literally sewed ribbons to her bra while she was wearing it last Halloween and didn't feel a single ounce of attraction. I live with three girls and have seen all of them naked and never thought twice about it. But now, when I see a girl in a tv show, I look at her figure and wonder if I would like to kiss her. That's new. I literally go from missing my ex and wanting to call him and beg him to give me another chance one second to thinking that I'm a closet lesbian who will never love a boy again in the next! So what is going on with me? Does anybody have any thoughts?
You might just be in a soul-searching phase because of everything that happened with your ex. Take some time for you to figure what you need and want out of your next relationship. You might be gay or you might be bi. There are so many possibilities that you just need to look within and get the answers. This site is very helpful. I am learning terms I have never heard of before. I wish I had some better advice for you in your particular situation. Other posters will have more insight I'm sure.
Thank you for your response! I am planning on taking time before getting into another relationship. I got really really hurt and can't imagine being in another relationship any time soon. There are so many possibilities and it's all very confusing because there are so many! And even though those thoughts popped into my head every once and a while, I was still positive I was straight. Like didn't even think about it 99.9% of the time. I miss the girl who was so sure of herself! It was so obvious to me before that all I wanted was a guy. But maybe that's because that's what society tells me I need to want? I don't know. It's all confusing!
There are a few threads on here that I've posted in recently about how some of us felt we were straight before we realized we were gay. It is more common than you would think. I didn't realize I was gay until I fell completely head over heels in love with another woman. It was my feelings for her that caused me to come out to my family and my friends. I always thought girls were attractive and had a crush on a woman in college but never saw myself with anyone but a man. I think we can hide our sexuality even from ourselves. Although, I do not know what yours is, just speaking generally. You definitely have a journey to go through, but you have come to the right place!
It's scary and it's uncomfortable, but only time will tell. Some of us can figure out what we are faster than others, but we're all different. You'll figure it out, we all do.
So even though I was sexually attracted to my ex, I might be gay? That is what is confusing me! I was so attracted to him, like the kind where he would kiss me once and have me ready to jump into bed with him. I ballroom dance and frequently have led different girls in the different dances and never once felt attraction to a girl I danced with. Whereas, when I danced with my ex or a couple other guys, there was that fizz of tension and energy. So you knew when you fell in love with a woman? Did you have crushes before that? Had you ever fallen in love with a guy?
Anything is possible with sexuality. You could be lesbian, bisexual, straight or there are other terms which I have heard on here. I am still learning all of them. I never had crushes on women growing up. I thought they were pretty, but that's as far as it went. I acted and felt completely straight. I was in love with a few guys and enjoyed having sex with them, but there was always something missing from the relationships that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Then, in college, I had a crush on a male and a female, and when I first came out years after that, I came out as bi. I lean more towards lesbian, though. When I fell in love with her, everything made more sense to me, and I found my true self.
So I am confused again. How do you figure it out? I've never had feelings for a woman friend before and never even had the desire to touch a woman in any way other than friendship before the sudden thought about my friend yesterday. I thought about this a lot before going to sleep last night and tried to imagine being with a woman sexually or a man sexually. When I thought about being with a woman (think Victoria's Secret model), I got a weird pit in my stomach and couldn't get anywhere. When I thought about being with a man (think Jensen Ackles), the fantasy took on a life on its own and was wonderful. When I thought about a stereotypical lesbian (short haired female, dresses more masculine - I know stereotypes are not everyone, I promise!), there wasn't a pit in my stomach but it didn't do anything for me. I was trying to be completely open minded about these fantasies. In the past, I have never fantasized about women so it was new to me. When I thought about women like that, it felt like I was acting in a movie. Like going through the steps that I think you would take with a woman. Then again, I suppose I can't be sure having never tried in real life. But when I was imagining a guy, it just happened. Then again, I know exactly what happens if I was with a guy. I guess I just don't understand how you know what your sexuality is and also, how up until recently, my mind was only on men. Like obsessed with men. I'm so confused! I just want to know where my heart truly lies, you know?
I honestly don't think you are lesbian. I think you have HOCD. You've said you aren't attracted to women and you were really attracted to your boyfriend. Sometimes HOCD has a way of tricking us into believing that we are homosexual when we aren't. You said you didn't even think of the possibility until after your boyfriend broke up with you and sometimes all it takes is a trigger to have that thought pop into your head. I'm not saying that everyone that questions their sexuality has HOCD, but I think in your case it is. Only you would really know. However, I don't think their are many lesbians that are ready to jump in to bed with a man if they weren't attracted to them.
Thanks Jenny! I just started treatment for anxiety issues last week after suffering from panic attacks my entire life. However, I've never been diagnosed with OCD. Never been tested but I've never had the stereotypical compulsions like obsessive handwashing or cleanliness. Closest I've ever gotten is compulsive worrying. I've also heard that HOCD doesn't exist from various places online, including this forum. Which leads to more confusion. It is sometimes mentioned in the same breath as the kinds of "therapies" that aim to change a person's sexuality. Which is so so so wrong and makes me sick to think about. My best friend who is a lesbian, we've always pretended we were sisters, told me she doesn't think I am a lesbian either because of how I acted with and talked about my ex-boyfriend. She knows me extremely well and has for twenty years. She said there is always the possibility I could be bisexual and that there is no way to know for sure, which freaked me out. It would be a lot easier if there was just a cut and dry answer for this. And I did think of the possibility while we were together but only when things were going poorly between us. Like, I frequently obsessed over the idea that he would leave me (I have severe abandonment issues) and then would jump to the idea that he would leave me because I was gay. But I am pretty sure the reason I am having these kind of thoughts has to be because, on some level, I am gay, right? And I would like to make sure that it is clear I do not believe being gay is wrong. I have many gay friends and support them in all their pursuits. I've always been fully of the love is love mindset. I've been telling myself for weeks that it would be fine to be gay, if that's where my heart is. My family would be supportive, my friends would probably not even care and I could still live the life I always wanted to: career, family, love, ect. I just am not sure if it is me, if that makes any sense? So how do you make sense of it all? What steps can I take from here to figure out what is my true sexuality?
Maybe you're pushing yourself too hard to figure this all out so quickly. For me, it wasn't so much about sex as it was a connection I had never felt before. That's how I knew. I don't think you can really know by sexual fantasies. It's a strong feeling. It's about who you will fall in love with, who you relate to emotionally and who you ultimately want to spend your life with. For me, it was about falling in love with a person, not a gender. But then after that happened, it made me realize the truth. If I were you, I would try not to think about it as much and just go about your normal routine and see what attractions/thoughts come up naturally either toward men or women in person or on TV, etc. I'm sure you will figure everything out over time. Maybe someone else will have advice on steps that can be taken because I honestly don't know.
Well, I think that HOCD may not exist, but people with anxiety issues can be prone to obsessive thoughts. I struggle with anxiety myself and sometimes have issues with obsessive thoughts popping into my head claiming that I am attracted to people that I know I really am not. So it could be something like that. I definitely think that you should talk to your therapist about it. I also know from experience that when you've only really been with one person the feelings after that breakup can be intense and highly confusing. That's the way it was for me a few years ago. You're still really young, you need to be patient and understanding with yourself, it will take a while to figure out. You might be attracted to women on some level, but perhaps not the stereotypical images that come to your head when you're masturbating. I know that I am attracted to women, but it is almost impossible for me to get off thinking about them because I've only had sexual experiences with men. Maybe when you feel ready you should try going on dates with both men and women and seeing how you feel about the experience.
HOCD most certainly does NOT exist. It is a monicker used within OCD communities to describe the nature of the obsession. It's ALWAYS just OCD though, the letter people put in front of it sometimes is just a description of the obsession, which has very little to do with having OCD. To me it really really seems like it is quite likely that you have OCD. I have OCD myself and what you said really resonated with me in a lot of ways. It is a common misconception that OCD involves a lot of handwashing or checking locked doors or something. These are physical compulsions, and are far more obvious than mental ones. It seems to me like you are suffering from mental compulsions (what I deal with, so I am quite familiar with them). Worrying that you could be gay and then checking random people to try and confirm or deny this worry is CLASSIC OCD behavior. After you do this, do you find any relief? If you do, is it very short lived? OCD works in a cycle, you have the obsession that causes the worry, which causes you to "check" or perform a compulsive action (this can include mental actions), this gives you temporary relief, but soon enough your anxiety peeks again, causing you to repeat the checking behavior. You said, "But I am pretty sure the reason I am having these kind of thoughts has to be because, on some level, I am gay, right?". The answer to this is ABSOLUTELY NOT. People with OCD can suffer from all kinds of horrible thoughts. Believe me, I've had thoughts that made me think I was a horrible, horrible, monster of a person that scared the living shit out of me until I came across a site explaining OCD. I actually cried I was so relieved. Just because you are having these thoughts does NOT mean that you like them. There are even gay people who have OCD that makes them think that they are straight and it freaks them out just as much as you. I really am pretty confident that what you are describing is not an inclination towards liking females, but rather, obsessive thoughts followed by mental compulsions, the classic OCD cycle. I am not sure the policy on links but I feel it's an important link to give you. I will take it down though if it is against policy. OCD-UK Forums, that site has saved my life in the past. I would strongly encourage you to go there, and tell them what you have told us and see what they have to say.
Thank you all so much for your replies! I appreciate it so much. I feel so lost right now and hearing from people who have, for one reason or another, gone through some massive soul searching times helps me immensely. Noelle, yes, I think you are right that I should focus more on the idea of falling in love with a person, rather than a gender. That is a very hard thing for me to accept because I am a little bit of a control freak and get major anxiety when it comes to unknowns. But, obviously, I want to fall in love and find the person I am meant to be with so the only way to do that is to somehow let go of the control. The gender of the person would not matter if I truly loved them. Cascadia, I'm so glad to hear from someone who also struggles with anxiety! Until I realized how much it affected various parts of my life, I just assumed everyone dealt with things the way I did. It was never talked about as much as depression as far as mental struggles go when I was growing up so I was unaware that anything was wrong. Maybe I will take your advice of trying to date different genders! First, I feel I should take some time to be single as obviously my ex did some serious damage. I don't want to rebound onto anybody too quickly because like you said, the feelings are so intense because this is my first real heartbreak. Tayb24, the cycle you were describing is EXACTLY what I have been doing. I did some research on OCD and some of it sounds so much like what I have been doing for so long, without even knowing it. It's kind of scary to think about having OCD since there is such a strong stigma attached to it. It is always portrayed in the media as handwashing or germophobic but I never knew about mental compulsions. Honestly, this is like a lightbulb going off in my life! I always thought everyone had persistent thoughts that wouldn't go away and just cycled around their heads. And the scary thoughts that have popped into my head ever since I can remember make more sense too! Before this, I always just pushed them deep deep down and tried to ignore them because they were too scary to even acknowledge. And it also makes sense why I can't seem to stop thinking about this no matter what I do! I try to tell myself I will just love who I will love and that should be the end of it but I just can't stop obsessing and trying to find the answer! I will take a look at the forum you shared with me and see what their opinions are. Thank you so much for your insights! For the first time in a long time, the pressure in my chest seems to be a little less intense. Now I know what to talk to my therapist about in our second session!
