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How do i tell her?Married with baby have always been attracted to both men & women.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Greatdude, Jan 26, 2014.

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  1. Greatdude

    Greatdude
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    I love my wife so much and we have a little beautiful adorable baby boy. I am attracted to her like I have always been in the past with her and other women. We still have great sex and i am happy with everything

    However, I have always been attracted to guys too. Certain type. Mostly bisexual or straight guys. I am a real bisexual guy. I am fully attracted to both males and females. I have tried stuff with guys and enjoyed it a lot although i have always found sex is better with women because i know what i am doing. And have more experience.

    It's always been very important to me to have a family for me and not because of family or community pressures. We are a very happy family. I don't often feel like meeting or doing stuff with other guys but its part of my life. I see guys I am attracted to them. I am committed to my relationship.

    How do I tell my wife without making her think I am gay or that I am going to leave her for a dude? I just want to get it out of my chest and feel she should know. I am still attracted to other women too but as I am committed to her I don't cheat. But I feel she knows and therefore I feel I am not hiding anything. However with guys because she doesn't know I feel like I am living a lie and like I have done something wrong even though I have never done stuff with guys while with her. But even looking at guys in town I feel bad.

    What do you guys think I should do? I would still like to do stuff with guys but only if it will involve my wife.
     
    #1 Greatdude, Jan 26, 2014
  2. paranoidkid

    paranoidkid
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    Re: How do i tell her?Married with baby have always been attracted to both men & wome

    Well personally, I don't see a issue with not telling her. But that's just me. You seem concerned by it. I know how bad you must want to tell her because your "hiding something" but the truth is that your really not. Sexual identities are so personal to us that only we can understand ourselves.

    Think of it this way, how do you know that she's not attracted to other women as well and just isn't yelling you?

    In my opinion you are not doing anything wrong. Sexuality is an extremely personal matter. And whether you tell her or not it should not matter. Your committed to one thing, and one thing only. Your family and your wife.

    I Don't want to say this but it is a possibility. But what if she decides to leave you because no matter what you tell her she will think you will leave her for a guy or that you are gay. But be prepared.

    Just be prepared for anything when you tell her. Personally I would not tell my wife If i was bisexual because she would not understand it like I do. But that's just me. You are a different person.
     
    #2 paranoidkid, Jan 26, 2014
  3. StillAround

    StillAround
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    Re: How do i tell her?Married with baby have always been attracted to both men & wome

    OK, so play a little mind game. Suppose you're watching TV together and you see a woman you think is really attractive. Do you tell your wife you think this other woman is attractive, or do you not say anything for fear of offending her? Got your answer? Good, now imagine it's a hot guy. If you wouldn't say anything about the woman, you wouldn't say anything about the guy. No harm, no foul, no problem. If you would mention the woman, maybe because the two of you are really open with each other, and this part of how you play together, then you probably want to share about the guy, too, because, after all, this part of who you are.

    So two answers, two solutions, one risk.

    Beyond that, I got no advice...
     
    #3 StillAround, Jan 26, 2014
  4. Greatdude

    Greatdude
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    Re: How do i tell her?Married with baby have always been attracted to both men & wome

    Thank you guys for your well thought advice! Thank you.

    The reason I want to tell her is because its part of my life and I don't tell her I feel like I am lying or hiding something wrong. I don't want to do that. It makes me feel bad of ever I have an attraction to a guy. Where as if I have an attraction to a girl I also feel bad but in different way. And I want it to be the same thing because I don't think it's a wrong thing to feel this way.
     
    #4 Greatdude, Jan 27, 2014
  5. paranoidkid

    paranoidkid
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    Re: How do i tell her?Married with baby have always been attracted to both men & wome

    If i was you since this is kind of a problem to you and causing you discomfort I would go see a therapist to express what I feel. This way you are telling someone and it does not feel like a huge secret. Again if i was you I would not tell my wife but that's just me. I see no harm in not saying anything.

    YOUR NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG. okay nothing. Zero. Zip.nada. Do not worry. I think u should talk to a counselor about how you feel. And an understanding smart one who knows what they are doing. Not someone who's gunna be like all sketchy and stuff about the situation. Just one who can listen and reflect with.
     
    #5 paranoidkid, Jan 27, 2014
  6. Chip

    Chip
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    Re: How do i tell her?Married with baby have always been attracted to both men & wome

    The real question here is whether you can be truly happy being just with your wife, or whether your feelings toward men are growing stronger over time. There are plenty of bisexual people who remain happily married, but there are also plenty of men who are gay, get married (believing they are bisexual) and eventually figure out they really aren't attracted to women... and then they're in a mess. It's not uncommon for men to be in denial about their same-sex attraction, or to minimize it and convince themselves that they're bisexual when they really aren't. so what's important here is that you make sure this isn't something that's surfacing and growing stronger, but something that's always been where it is, and isn't likely to change over time.

    Everything you've said indicates that you do truly love your wife and are happy with everything as-is. If that's honestly the case, then there's no problem and nothing to worry about.

    So I would suggest that the important thing here is to really, seriously, deep down think it through and see if you can determine for sure that this is what you want now, and will want in the future, and that your decision (and feelings) aren't dictated, as you said, by desires to fit in or have approval of those around you.

    If you're confident of that, then I would talk to your wife and tell her. It may not be easy for her to hear, but it's probably necessary... and if you think about it, it's no different than her knowing you're 100% straight and occasionally find other girls attractive, but love her and are committed to her.

    It may upset her a bit, but I believe that in the end, authenticity in the relationship is absolutely crucial, and I think once she understands that you're 100% committed to her that she will be OK with it.

    If there's any doubt in your mind after you've really, honestly thought about it... then I would suggest waiting to talk to her and consider going to therapy and talking through your feelings and helping to make a determination about what you're really feeling.
     
    #6 Chip, Jan 27, 2014
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