1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

bisexual but extremely afraid

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by livelifeloud, Jan 27, 2014.

  1. livelifeloud

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2014
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    evansville, in
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Warning: I'm long winded on a normal basis but especially when I'm confused and trying to figure it out..

    Ok.. I have been attracted to both men and women for as long as I can remember. A female friend and I used to play "boyfriend-girlfriend" when I was in elementary school. This consisted of us laying on top of one another and kind of grinding (we didn't know how to really grind). This may sound young but I began masturbating before I turned 4; my mom and I believe this was due to me being molested as a baby. Anyway.. I continued to feel sexually stimulated visually by females. I never really thought much of it or about it. I did think it was weird when I would watch a romantic scene in a movie that I was more drawn to the woman's body than the man's, but I figured I was just a weirdo. I always had boyfriends. I started getting in trouble for kissing boys when I was in first grade. I seriously have always had a boyfriend. As soon as I broke up with one, I had a new one. I lost my virginity to a boy when I was 13. When I was 14, I began dating my high school sweetheart. We were together for 6 years. Things became violent in the last year or so. Then I met my ex fiance, he n I were engaged after only dating for 3 months. A year later, two months before we were supposed to get married, I started freaking out. There were so many things I hadn't experienced I felt I must experience before I settle down with one person..one of those things being that I've never been with a woman. I'd been saying for years that I was bisexual (b/c I knew I was sexually attracted to both men and women), but I'd never actually acted on it. I'd had a best female friend for years while in school that I knew I had wanted more with, but we had our boyfriends. I'd even told people I'd messed around with her (I have since confessed this to her, she was very understanding but is, without a doubt, straight). After my fiance slept with one of our bridesmaids, I called off the wedding and moved out of state. I went a little crazy and slept with so many guys I would never want a relationship with..but still no women. Then I met my latest ex boyfriend and moved back home because that's where he was. He was absolutely awful and abusive but it took me 1.5 years to figure that out. We broke up last August. Immediately after we broke up, I went to a friend of my brother's wedding. It was a lesbian wedding, and I adored every moment of it. I should probably throw in here somewhere that my older brother is gay and has been married to a man but they got divorced b/c his ex was abusive and addicted to heroine. Anyway.. I was inspired by one of the brides in the wedding b/c she had previously been married to a man but couldn't live a lie any more. At this wedding, I met..let's call her Lucy..Lucy is an amazing woman. Anything and everything I could ever hope for in a partner, she's got it, but I'm scared out of my mind to make a commitment to a woman. Also..she lives 2400 miles away. I'm open to the idea of moving but not for a couple more years at least b/c I've gone back to school. I'm going to school in order to be able to open my own preschool/daycare out of my home. Do you know how many Midwestern parents would want to send their toddlers to a lesbian's home for school/care? Not a whole helluva lot, I can tell you that. So, if I decide to be with a woman, I MUST move to be successful in my career goals. Also, I have always been, and thought I would always be, a daddy's girl, but my dad does not accept gay. He is still in denial about my brother, and that's some serious denial, let me tell you. I attempted to tell my dad I'm bisexual, and he tried to talk me out of it basically. My step mom has suggested books written by people who "went through a phase where they thought they were gay but have since come to their senses." They mean well, I know, but God are they ignorant. My actual mom is really supportive and has suggested therapy, also b/c I've developed an eating disorder, which I've read can happen when ure confused about your sexuality. But anyway.. I talk to Lucy daily and we're in an "open thing" but since I started freaking out about how much of my life I'll have to change if I choose to be w her, she's become clingy and somewhat possessive. I tell her everything b/c I don't want to hurt her, and I don't think it would be fair to her to not tell her. A week from Thursday I'm traveling to go to a gay wedding with her, and I'm conflicted about it. I don't know if I can be brave enough to change so much of my life, but I still haven't been with a woman sexually so I'd like to experience that with her. At the same time, I don't want to hurt her. Even though she says she is on the same page as me and totally gets it, I'm really afraid to hurt her. I just don't know how I feel for sure about anything anymore. The unknown is so scary. I could really use some advice. Sorry sooooo long and way too detailed.
     
  2. Noelle

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2014
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yes, the unknown is extremely scary. I can only speak with what I would do if it were me in that situation. If I found someone who treated me right and we loved each other with all our hearts, I would change things in my life so I could be with her.

    It's sensible to be concerned about your career, and I also think that it's good that you are being open and honest with her about everything. That will serve you will in your relationship.

    Maybe just take things one day at a time and see how it goes. It sounds like you aren't in a position to move to where she is right now but possibly in the future.

    I am sorry to hear about how unsupportive your family is being. Is your brother is a good source of support for you? Lean on the people who do support you in all of this.

    Why/how would you hurt her? Just by not being ready for everything she is? Also, it sounds like she's not really on board with it being an open relationship.
     
  3. LovelyBunny

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2014
    Messages:
    182
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    The unknown is absolutely horrifying but lifes all about taking chances (leaps of faith). I know this sounds cliché 'Follow that heart' seriously if you feel like shes the one for you then I suggest you be with her and everything else will follow your career and goals. But like Noelle stated you don't seem to be in a good condition to just get up and go, I definitely think you should wait it out to see because it seems things are moving fast for you and I believe you definitely need sometime to yourself to stop smell the roses and sort things out. Just remember this is your life and time -Do what makes you happy-