I'm not sure what is going on with me. I'm going to sound like a jerk, but all of what I'm mentioning is going on in my head, not out of my mouth. In person I am very sociable, and easy to get along with. But inside I find myself a mountain of mess. Essentially I find myself right now with an older guy who I think the world of, (I'm a gay male by the way), my partner is 2 times my age. I love him...but I am not satisfied by his age or physical appearance, and find myself fantasizing about a younger guy preferably masculine acting. I also find it AMAZING HOW some fat older guys like the one I'm with get the cutest, sweetest, hottest guys on the planet, oh...did I mention that they are the cute guys FIRST time with a man, and they identify as straight, I need help in understanding how someone like me who is relatively attractive, certainly not 300 pounds, can muster up enough confidence and courage to manifest my dream guy ("get out of my dreams, and into my car") Last huge issue is I am insanely drawn to straight guys. My partner even though he is a spiritual person and is quite amazing, is very nelly acting, and it actually drives me nuts, as that is basically why I am not all that attracted to openly gay men because they remind me of what I hate in women if that makes any sense (delicateness, inductiveness, self esteem issues, masks, over emotionality, and confusion.) I'd like to know who can help me with why I'm non stop drawn to guys who are beautiful, straight, and NOT AVAILABLE. And why I just can't be happy with my fat middle aged amazing lover. Why am I plagued by lustful feelings for the unbelievable beauty around me, that which I used to be able to taste, smell, and touch in my younger years, but is next to impossible going forward. Also what in the fuck is it with 10 out of 10 hotness guys being unbelievably boring, disinterested in sex that's the new one...WHAT...I want to be 10 out of 10 beautiful....but I'm asexual. (BOOOOOM) as well as generally disenlightened, in comparison to their older and less physically attractive counterparts, almost offering a spiritual enlightenment and otherwise providing for a perfect life. EXCEPT...the sex sucks, and it resorts to porno fantasizing. I am so sick, i'm going to cut my balls off right now. (kidding). PLEASE HELP! :bang:
Hi, and welcome to EC. So I hear a bunch of things that seem to be somewhat in conflict for you. First you say you love and think the world of this person, but you aren't satisfied with his appearance or age, or the fact that he's not very straight acting. So the important question is, are you happy where you are? The other piece I have to bring in here is the age difference. Assuming 1982 is your birth year, it means you're about 31 and he's over 60. Adding the dissatisfaction you've already expressed to the age gap, it seems fairly likely that this relationship isn't the healthiest, and it sounds like you like some aspects of the relationship and him, but aren't really happy. I also have to say that it's sounding like there's some conflict about what's important to you, which might be contributing to the problem, and worthy of some real thought. Physical appearance is important, but so are connection, personality, common interests, compatibility, and many other factors... and the ones I hear you talking most about seem to be straight-acting and appearance, yet you also talk about "loving" someone who has neither of those attributes. Perhaps some self-reflection might be in order here. It's possible you are going after straight guys because unconsciously you *know* they're unavailable, and you're in the relationship with someone twice your age and unattractive because, deep down (unconsciously), you feel like you don't deserve any better. Those are the most common factors (particularly when combined with the strong focus on physical appearance) that play into those sorts of behaviors. If that's the case, then exploring yourself and your feelings would be a wise move. It's something you've already started the process of in making this post, and you can continue to do so here, but you'd also benefit from therapy to help understand and clarify the underlying feelings.
