Hi! Ok this is my first post here so please be nice! I am 25 year old male who I guess has wondered from time to time whether I could have feeling towards the same sex. I think I have been in denial about it for a while but I have never really had the urge or desire to explore the possibility. For three years (aged 19 to 23) I was in a long term serious relationship with a woman, who I was very much in love with. Things were starting to get a bit serious we lived with each other for about a year and were like any normal straight couple, we had a regular sex life which I really enjoyed. I then decided that I wanted to go to university to better our lives in the long run, but unfortunately we weren't strong enough to last this out and we broke up. I've had the odd fling here and there since with women but I've had a really dry spell for the last 12 - 18 months. I found myself visiting gay cam chat rooms online, I guess out of loneliness and a desire for sexual stimulation. I had sometimes previously watched a bit of gay porn, I have never enjoyed watching guys having anal sex and I personally find it somewhat repulsive (I am completely open to people doing what they feel makes them happy but this really doesn't turn me on, if anything it is a big turn off for me...) But I do enjoy watching gay solo porn if there is an attractive guy. Anyway, back to my point. So I was on one of these gay chat rooms and I started just chatting to this guy, and guess what, it turns out he is from my home town. (convenient I know but his story really does check out). Anyway, this guy is pretty interesting, funny, attractive and generally down to earth. We've been chatting only for a couple of weeks but we speak daily and I get excited when I see a text message from him on my phone. I guess I have started to fall for him! Having been in denial about this possibility for so long I am not trying to come to terms with it. I don't feel comfortable labelling myself as bisexual, I don't want to. I also have absolutely no desire to have penetrative sex with him. Is this feeling I am experiencing just lust? or is it more? Can a straight guy get turned on by watching another guy enjoy himself, can a straight guy feel lustful towards another guy? I am not sure if I am truly bisexual and I am not sure if I want to be. Deep down I want to have a relationship with a woman and a family (children). This doesn't really fit in to that plan. I am all for people being who they want to be and I am a believer that people fall in love with people for reasons other than just their gender. I am completely open to gays, lesbians, transgenders. I have no issues with anyone at all. My house mate is openly gay and I am cool with it. But why is it that deep down I don't feel it is for me? Am I just in denial? I do still have attractions for girls, I turn my head when a nice girl walks past but I do also check out fit young men if they walk past. I am 25, I thought I was supposed to be enlightened by this age, I thought I was supposed to know the answers! I am meeting up with this guy on the weekend, we are going to go to the pub for some beers and for a chat. Nothing serious but I guess I need to make a decision as to whether I act on these feelings I have or not, I don't want to mess him around as he seems like an absolutely amazing guy. Opinions and thoughts please! Where do I go from here.
It's possible you're bi. It's possible you're gay. But I say give this guy a chance and see where things go, and figure out the labels later. I can sympathize a lot with what you're going through. I'm 26 and came out as bi a few months ago and gay a few hours ago believe it or not. It sucks feeling like you've taken so long to figure yourself out, believe me, but just go with what feels right. Feel free to post on my wall if you want to talk more.
Sexuality is a spectrum and we are all somewhere along that spectrum. You don't have to label yourself if you don't want to. Enjoy it, enjoy life.
Hi Guy88. I wouldn't jump to conclusions too quickly, as this will only be a source of distress. True, you might be bisexual, but you could also be going through a phase. If you are feeling lonely, mixed with some evident curiosity you have towards the male form, and the excitement of meeting new people, it is easy to understand why you are feeling confused. Watching in the internet a good looking guy playing with himself does not seem like absolute evidence of anything other than curiosity. If you are going to further pursue the idea of meeting with this guy in person, I would probably pay more attention to the emotional side of these interactions. In my mind, at least, I think that the feelings and emotions you feel towards the other individual are more of an indicator for your sexuality, beyond what the physical attraction may tell you. I hope this makes some sense.
Just to touch on some of the issues that seems to be causing you some stress. There are plenty of gay guys (and presumably bi guys) who are not into anal. Some guys love anal, some guys don't care for it at all, and a lot of guys fall somewhere on a spectrum between those two points. Plenty of gay guys (and bi guys and probably even some straight guys) enjoy watching another guy masturbate solo or a group of guys pleasure themselves in a group. I'm sure you've heard of circle jerks, jack off clubs can be found in many major cities, and there are various websites devoted to the joys of male masturbation as an activity and skill in its own right. The point of all this? Watch what you want and don't worry about it. If it comes to an opportunity (and you have the desire) to be intimate with another guy, then simply being up front and matter-of-fact about not being into anal is the best approach. Most guys probably aren't going to be that worried about it (plenty of other possible things to do). They may also not be into it either, for that matter. As far as meeting this guy - I would suggest that you go with your feelings as the situation develops while being honest with him and making sure you communicate. If things (eventually) reach the point where it feels right to get physical, then go for it. But don't be afraid to have boundaries and make it clear what they are without being dramatic about it. And if he's as cool as you say, he'll also be more than willing to take things at a pace you are comfortable with and within the boundaries you set. Go with the flow and have fun Todd
I've been completely 100% open and honest with this guy I plan on meeting, he know's I consider myself bicurious at the minute and he knows that this may not lead on to anything. I really appreciate how accepting of this he is. I guess when we talk on Skype I get these almost butterfly like feelings occasionally, feelings that I have only really ever experienced a few times before. Now I know it is early days as I've only really spoken to him for a couple of weeks, so I am very open to the idea that this could be just a phase. I am lonely and under a lot of stress at the minute, financial stress from the burden of university, stress with my final year dissertation due in 7 weeks time, the fact that in 7 weeks time I will be officially "unemployed and out of education", I have job applications left right and centre, interviews coming up, my mind is one huge mess and then this added on top of that its just all a bit too much. So I think taking it one day at a time is the only way I can. But it is very helpful hearing your opinions and views on the matter! really a massive thanks!
Don't worry that you're not "enlightened." Everybody comes to their identity at different points and honestly (as many before me have said), I don't think it's necessarily an end-all-be-all type scenario. Look, I know a few guys who were players and came out, and I know guys who are using girls as cover-ups. Have they had sex? Sure. Are they gay? No question. Why/how did they do it--pressure, curiosity, general horniness/sexual suppression...idk, not my business. On the other hand, I know guys who say they are gay and clearly have some fascination with girls… Bottom line: you define it, and there's so much pressure to find a label that people end up boxing themselves in. It's your life, so live it.
I think it's totally normal to be feeling this at 25! I'm 21 and just now realizing my sexual identity so I think it's not weird at all to be discovering this about yourself at a later age. Like a lot of the other posters said, don't feel pressured to label yourself if you don't want to! It's not a requirement and if it makes you feel better to just like who you like without labels, more power to ya! And definitely take the opportunity to meet up with this guy, you never know how you'll feel if you don't and it could give you some insight into your attractions.
Thanks everyone for your posts and support. It is just good to talk openly about this sort of thing. A few days ago I had I told one close friend about my confusion and feelings and that was fantastic to be able to talk to them. It's really difficult when you bottle it up and it makes you feel like you are alone. Everyone on here seems very friendly and approachable so thanks for that! I am definitely going to meet up with this guy, it involves travelling to my home town which means staying with my parents. I feel like I am betraying them in a way by not telling them, but do I have to tell them I am feeling this way? The trouble is my parents can always guess when I am interested in someone or seeing someone I always get the suspicious questions, "where are you going? who are you seeing? is it a girl?" etc. etc. So I will have to lie to them about who I am seeing, I find that hard.
Last night a female friend of mine came round and we had a little too much wine and things started to get intense, emotions were expressed and I knew she was up for sex. She was coming on to me and lets just say I was getting excited... I definitely still want to have sex with women, I really enjoy it and I have no desire to have physical full on sex with a guy but I want to mess around with another guy in other ways to experiment. I guess last night just really confused me even more! I resisted the temptation last night which was really difficult. She was rubbing my neck, running her fingers through my hair and we were physically close, this lead to me being highly aroused and she definitely knew it. There is definitely some chemistry between us, but as we are good friends I didn't want to jeopardize that. I am so confused about my sexual orientation. If there is underlying chemistry between me and this girl then why can't I just be happy with that?
If you're bi, or just bi curious (wondering if being intimate with a guy would feel different or better with a guy, getting aroused by the thought) then it is perfectly normal to still be capable of being aroused by the thought or act of doing stuff with a woman. Even many gay guys may have sex with women, either because they don't know anything else and just do the 'normal' thing (as society dictates 'normal') or because they are in denial or whatever. I wouldn't worry about it and just move forward with exploring your feelings about guys at a pace that is comfortable for you. You may eventually hit the point of doing stuff with a guy (whatever stuff you are comfortable doing) at which time you may decide that sex (defined for this case as any activity where orgasm is a goal or definite possibility) with women simply can't compare with sex with a guy, that sex with a guy doesn't really do it for you, or that both kinds of sex have things you like about them and that you want to make intimacy with both men and women a part of your life moving forward. Or some other variation. Basically, don't stress out and just go with the flow of what feels right and good for you. Hope this helps, Todd
