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Whats my sexual orientation!?!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by aquablue, Jan 29, 2014.

  1. aquablue

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    I know this is ridiculously long, a little graphic, and probably really choppy and hard to follow, but I just need to get this off my chest to people who might understand and could shed some light, So here it goes:
    Let’s start by saying that I’m 22 and a virgin. Ever since I was young I was 100% certain I was straight. I had crushes on boys and have always wanted a boyfriend. When I was around boys no matter what they looked like, I was always nervous and had butterfly’s in my stomach. When I got older, I got crushes a lot less often, but the nervousness only increased. Within the last few years, I've only had crushes on a few guys, and within the last year or two; I haven’t had a crush on any boys. I still always get nervous around boys though. When I’m around guys I’m so nervous it’s hard to breath. It doesn’t matter who he is or what he looks like! When I get all nervous and I stop and take a look at the person I nervous about, or imagine myself dating them, I don't want it. But even when I come to this conclusion, the butterflies won’t go away. Growing up I always daydreamed about dating guys or marrying men (though those day dreams always end in the guy cheating on me, hurting me, or something that leaves us screaming at each other…. I should probably look into that lol). In these daydreams 9 times out of 10 the guy is just a faceless figure with ideal personality traits.
    So far I sound completely straight, but then towards the end of high school things (slowly) started to change. I would wake up early for school, before everyone else was up, and watch the girls gone wild infomercials. I told myself I was just rebelling against my strict upbringing (I know what you’re thinking, can this girl be any more of a hard core bad ass lol), but I specifically remembered thinking about one of the girls as my girlfriend. It was only for a split second and it was something like “If she was my girlfriend I would…” But I freaked out, couldn't finish that thought, and refused to think about it again. Whenever a hot sexually suggestive girl was on tv or a movie, I always got so embarrassed and was terrified that someone would notice me looking at her. But when I watched those shows, I always identified with the straight couples. When a boy that has pinning over a beautiful girl the whole show finally kisses her or does more, I get those butterflies. But when girl characters dump their boyfriends for a girl, I almost always wait for her to get back with him. I even really identify with gay (male) couples, but almost never lesbian characters. When I started watching porn, I would not let myself watch anything that wasn't considered hetero and vanilla. I was terrified that I would like something I saw, and then when I accidently watched a video with a misleading title, I realized my fear was justified. Once I saw two girls together, I couldn't get that idea out of my head (even though I know that lesbian porn is made for straight men, the idea of it is still appealing to me). Since then I would say 95% of my sexual fantasies are with a girl.
    I still found guys hot, and I loved a shirtless guy with ripped abs and biceps showing, but the idea of them taking their pants off is terrifying. I think penises are gross, and in the rare instance that I do daydream about a guy they either have all of their clothes on, or it’s in the dark and under the covers. Also, whenever someone talked about “going for hours” with a guy, I was terrified. The first thing I thought of was not being able to hold my concentration that long, and the whole thing sounded horrible. And, whenever I found straight porn that I liked the guys always remained clothed.
    Around the same time I had my first two (and only) kissing experiences. The first was while I was drunk so the details are fuzzy. It was one of the crushes that I mentioned before. He was really nice to me and I really liked him. And when I say I really liked him I mean I REALLY liked him. He was so nice and cool and I couldn't get him out of my head. Then when we finally kissed I don’t remember feeling any butterflies or anything at all for that matter. I was just moving my lips. Afterwards, whenever I thought about it, I got butterflies and was very turned on, but nothing else ever happened. The next kissing experience I had was horrible. I didn't really like the guy but he really wanted to kiss me and I was insecure about my limited experience and thought that it would be a good chance for practice. He was a nice enough guy, and we use to be friends when I lived by him so I thought “what the heck.” When we kissed, it was horrible. I couldn't wait till it was over, and afterword whenever I thought about it I felt like I was going to puke. I was on vacation at the time, and when I got back to my room I sat in the corner and cried because I was sure I was gay (not sure why I thought that was such a bad thing…).
    After this I never thought of it again, until I went to college. Almost every time I had a sexual fantasy it was with a woman. I would ignore this for the most part because I daydreamed about dating a guy and I was always nervous around boys not girls. But then every once in a while I would feel like I was gay. I would see girls differently and I daydream about dating them, but then it would go away. When I did daydream about girls it was hard, because all my previous daydreams followed gender roles in some way, but with girls there are no gender roles. By the time I was in college I was ok with the idea of being gay, so it was a lot easier to mentally explore these urges, as opposed to pushing them deep down, but I never was able to come to any type of conclusion. I also went on a date with a girl, and we had so much in common. There was never a pause in the conversation and I remember wanting the date to last longer, but I also never got those butterflies.The more I thought about the possibility of my being somewhere on the queer spectrum the harder it was for me to conclude anything. After a while I couldn't conclude anything, and I now live with a constant war in my head.
    So here is where I am now: I still get extremely nervous around boys. I feel like I just really want them to want me, but when I explore my nervousness further, I don’t want to be with them. It has been about ½ a year since the last time I daydreamed about dating a boy and it feels weird. I sort of feel like I’m forcing myself not to think about it, but when I try to make myself daydream about a boy I don’t feel anything. I use to also really identify with straight couples on TV/ movies and I don’t do that anymore. I see the appeal, and I like when my favorite characters find someone, but the butterflies I use to get never come. The straight label doesn't fit well with me, but the lesbian or bisexual doesn't always fit either. Sometimes lesbian does. I can call myself a lesbian out loud and if feels like someone finally put in the missing puzzle piece and I feel relieved. And then some days I feel like I’m making myself gay and it’s all in my head.
    This might sound strange, but I sort of hope I turn out gay. The whole idea of it fits well with me. I've always felt like I never quite fit in and I always craved some since of community. I feel like being a part of the LGBTQ community fits right with me. But because of this, I feel like any feelings I have for a girl aren't genuine. For some reason they always feel forced. I can’t tell if I noticed a pretty girl naturally and then later thought I was forcing myself to think that or if I forced myself to look at girls because I want to be gay. But at the same time I don’t want to be with a boy. I also feel like maybe it’s some type of phase I’m going through because I’m a virgin.
    When I say all of this out loud (or write it all down) I feel crazy! But I just wish I knew where I stand. I know better than to try and force myself into some box, but It’s hard not to! When I sign up for a dating site I have to fill in my sexuality. When I come out to friends/ family, they are going to require a label. And I really really want the war to stop in my head, and I feel like a label with provide some clarity and make it stop.
    So if I’m a lesbian why do I get so nervous around boys, and why didn't I always know? All of my gay friends always knew. And I always read that if your gay, you just know, but I don't! Why did I always identify with straight TV character and why did I always daydreamed about myself with a boy, and why don’t I anymore.
    Maybe I just didn't feel anything when I kissed that guy because he wasn't right and I was grossed out by the second kiss because of the situation, but how can I know this for sure? Because if I kiss a girl and don’t feel anything/ feel gross it could also just be the wrong situation/ wrong girl. And, why didn't I feel anything on that date when we had so much in common, do I not like girls or do I not like this girl?
    Uggg!!!! Thanks for any help you can give!!!
     
  2. LovelyBunny

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    Whoa whoa ...whoa Calm down.
    Listen labels aren't important! So understand that first. Your really over thinking it, if you like a girl or guy don't sit there pondering 'is this legit' 'do I really like her or him' 'Am I really L. B or S or do I just think I am' ... Don't worry about any of that just know that you like this person Girl or guy and that they make you happy and nothing else matters but that. Lifes unexpected and as we grow we change and figure out who we are, just let life take its course and eventually you'll fiqure it out - I nor anyone else can tell you who you are only you know.

    I think once you stop worrying so much-Things in your sexuality will go a lot smoother
    *And I think you do like the girl and should try again with a more relaxed mindset*

    But if you really want a label Id say you should try Pansexual - Sex doesn't matter personality does- That way you aren't so narrowed down
     
  3. paranoidkid

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    RELAX! I DO NOT THINK USING LABELS FOR YOUR SELF IS GOOD. As for that matter, i don't think you should have to come out to anyone. You can invite whoever you like over be it a boy or girl, and everyone will kind of just figure it out!! So don't worry about labels and coming out. DO go to a therapist. They can help you a great deal! You know, maybe you truly are gay, maybe it is a phase, maybe it's all just in your head? You won't know until you calm down. And you may have not gotten butterflies when kissing the first guy because you were so anxious and nervous that you wouldn't feel it. Anyways don't use labels right now. Ik how bad it is to Want one.i want one so bad too, but I just don't know. I am.going with my feelings. I Love a girl right now and I'm going with that. Just relax. STOP WORRY ING ABOUT LABELS. Easier said than done like I said. I still am always in search for one. But I'm a bit more calm about it now. Want the girl? Go get her! Want a guy? Go get him!
     
  4. poison53sumac

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    This is complicated, but it actually sounds a lot like me. I've never heard anyone else say it, but I do that too with getting nervous around guys. I don't like them, I wouldn't date them if they asked me, but I still get nervous talking to them, and I feel like I want to appear a certain way to them--not in a sexy way or like I want to seem attractive. I don't know. I don't really think it's connected to liking them, even subconsciously, because as I said, I don't want to date them. If a guy asked me, I'd likely say no; if a girl did, I'd probably say yes.

    I also have that fear that I'm "making" myself gay because I want to be. I'm mostly convinced now that I actually do like girls (and then my head chimes in and tells me that I've convinced myself and it's not actually true). But I keep wavering, anyway.

    Honestly, it doesn't sound to me as if you like guys in much of any capacity. I think you're still in the struggling phase, and I figure things will come clear eventually. What if you decided to decide that you don't like guys, and see what that felt like, living to yourself as if you're lesbian, and if it worked out, then you could have an answer? I don't know if that makes sense. If it were me, I guess I'd keep doubting.

    Also: drink tea, take calming breaths, listen to music, tell yourself wherever on whatever spectrum you fall is fine, and you'll accept whatever comes. Live and let live.