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I think I'm bi, but i don't want to

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by InstantSelfdes, Jan 30, 2014.

  1. InstantSelfdes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2014
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    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hello, well, my problem is what's in the title...I don't know what to do.
    A while ago i used to "fool around" with a -at that time best- friend of mine, like, nothing too serious, but enough to really confuse my mind.
    Since then i've been sexually attracted to men, like, i don't like guys themselves, i'm just interested in sexual aspects, if you know what i'm trying to say. When i see a man like that, it really turns me on, gives me pleasure (and guilt), but then...it's just ugly, i don't like other aspects. I can't see myself in a relationship with a guy, i don't feel anything close to love for any man. I don't want to be bi because i just simply don't like it, i don't see myself in the future as a bisexual person, in any aspect. I'd love to be in love with a woman, and have a relationship with her, i want to be married, have children, but not because "It feels normal" or "It's what 'normal' straight people do", i want that because is the life i want, the life i've chosen as a future, the life i know it will make me happy for the rest of my life. I don't like to be turned on by men, it's not what i think i am, i know i wasn't born to be like that, I just know, i know that's not me, the guy who likes other men in me doesn't match with the real me. I've read a lot about "it's who you are, you can't do anything about it..." "...that life is not as bad as you think it is..", But that's not what i feel, I can't say entirely sure "I'm bi", because i don't feel that it's the only way. Maybe it's just that I'm curious, I know a sexologist that told me it's normal at my age that my hormones make me wanna explore, see other thigs rather than just the girls. Plus, I'm really shy, and it's a difficult to me to speak normally with them, so i'm sourrounded by male friends all the time (I'm not attracted to any of them)
    Yesterday, i had slept at a friend's house with all our friends because it was his birthday and we were celebrating. In the morning, when there were just a few of us left, We were speaking when suddenly he asked me, "Have you ever had a homosexual thought or inclination?". I nodded, I didn't know what to say, i know he knew i had, he asked specificaly me, they suspect about it because i've done some freakishly stupid things, that lets out this curiousness in me. I said no, with a really shy voice, because it wasn't the right time to talk about it, there were some people that are not that close to me so we can have that conversation. The topic went off the conversation pretty fast, because it was really akward and everybody just wanted to forget it, but the tension was still there. I was so shocked, i mean, i knew someday they would ask me that, but he took me by surprise, and in not the best moment...I want to speak to them about it, tell them, yes I've had homosexual thoughts, but that no, I am NOT gay, That i am pretty sure about it, but i would be lying, not about the not gay thing, because im not, but because of the "pretty sure" part, i do have some sexual inclination towards men. When i think about this, I just like calm down, because in these moments i am pretty sure, i know i'm not and i'll be able to say it to them, but then i think, all these things i've done, and thought...
    Well, sorry for the really long and confusing post, it's just all what's going on in my head right now :s, please, if you have any idea, don't be shy to say it, i'll apreciate it. Thanks for the space, needed to take it out.

    Ps: Sorry for my english, my native language is spanish :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: