I'm wondering about the experience of other lesbians/bisexual women. When you were first coming out, did you go through a phase of being more butch than you felt as an exploration of gender expression? Or more femme? Or did you settle comfortably into where you were on the gender expression spectrum? This is my experience: I spent years trying to convince myself I was totally straight, and dressed as feminine as possible to show what a good straight girl I was and how much I wanted to attract guys. So when I finally came out, I cut my hair and wore more gender-neutral clothes. Girls with short hair were really attractive to me, and I had always wanted to cut my hair, so I had a friend chop it off and felt liberated from the burdens of hyperfemininity. But I didn't feel truly butch, so as a result I felt ugly in my short hair and it felt... awesome. Other people read me as gay and I also relished that validation. After having spent so long thinking I was more beautiful than the outside world did, it was finally the other way around and I relished this. By feeling ugly to myself I regained some confidence I had long lost. Unlike women who are comfortable being butch, for me butchness was a retreat into someone else but also a rediscovery of my more masculine side, and since then I've slowly begun drifting back towards the more feminine. I would now describe myself as a tomboy. For me, trying on the butch identity made me feel in control, but I realized that I wasn't as comfortable in it as other women were, and I was just trying to reset my gender expression and experience the freedom it gave me, rather than discover that it was my truly preferred gender expression. I also discovered the difference between being attracted to someone and wanting to be that person; i.e. I often find butch women hot but I don't feel attractive as a butch woman. These were the things I learned and I think they were fairly important for me to discover about myself. It helped me discern between those qualities in myself that are flexible, and those that are immutable. That's it; just wanted to hear others' experiences.
I've sort of experienced the opposite! I've been pretty feminine most of my life, aside from a brief tomboy phase as a preteen, so when I realized that I was a lesbian, I felt weird for not being the butch stereotype of lesbians. But then I stumbled upon femme and it felt a lot like who I am naturally, so I feel good characterizing myself as a femme lesbian. However, I do worry that once I start trying to find girls to date, I won't be taken seriously since I'm very feminine but I'm not sure I want to change who I am just to have an easier time finding girls.
I've recently realized that I'm attracted to women but I've never felt I've had to change myself. I'm quite happy with being the girly girl I am. I'm pretty naive so it wasn't until even more recently that I even realized there were different "types" of lesbians. ^-^"
First of all, I can totally relate to this! It was super well-said, and I really have a similar trajectory. I cut off my hair piece by piece (as in, half-way down back, to shoulders, to bob-cut, to shaggy short, to pixie)... and at the same was coming out to myself and then the world piecemeal. Which is interesting and if I took a writing class sometime I feel like I could have fun with that metaphor... :icon_bigg ...the hair as an expression of feminity but also as the entrappings of my unrealistic view of my sexuality and society's expectations for me to want to be desired by men. I wish we couuld link to fb on here because then I would send you a picture of me when I was 16 and a picture of me now. I will just describe: I was what al my current friends call "Malibu Barbie". Long, blond hair, fit and tan, sexy clothing, even heels sometimes, and a touch of makeup where I thought it was "needed." But now, I'm a tiny bit less fit, super short hair, not an ounce of make-up, have not worn a bra in 3 years, and pants/plaid shirts. :eusa_danc Now I have to say, I agree that I'm just baby-butch and that I'll actually embrace a bit more feminity later, once it's been more than 2 or 3 years of being out. That may just be to look professional and get/keep good jobs though, rather than self expression. But yes, I feel I've gone more in that direction a bit as rebellion if nothing else (!) And as far as the hair thing goes, here is a straight (or maybe Kinsey 1?) girl's perspective on the matter that I found interesting: Why patriarchy fears the scissors: for women, short hair is a political statement Enjoy! ---------- Post added 31st Jan 2014 at 07:10 PM ---------- Femmeinpink, I don't think you'll have trouble! I actually totally think it's hot when lesbians aren't afraid to be femme! I just personally am still enjoying the validation of other people viewing me as a lesbian, but as long as you're a little forward about making sure the lady you like knows your sexuality, you'll have not a problem at all I suspect :icon_bigg
I've been femme most of my life and enjoy being girly that's who I really am and just because I'm a lesbian doesn't mean I have to change that
The opposite happened to me. When I was little, and up until last year, I was a total tomboy. My usual outfit was a hoodie and jeans and clunky tennis shoes. I wore boy shorts and jeans every now and then, because I liked how comfortable they were. In grade school, my hair was always in a lazy ponytail. Not only that, I almost always wore a shark tooth necklace that I'd gotten on a cruise, and sometimes a green bracelet with spikes on it (like one of those cheap things you get from Chuck-E-Cheese). When I did dress up or had to look nice, it was because my mom forced me to. The only explanation I have for this is that I wanted to be "one of the boys" when I was little. It was easier for me to talk to them; they didn't judge me like the girly girls did. Many of them thought I was pretty tough too (a reputation you get for getting into multiple fist fights with a boy a year older than you). I liked that image. As I started coming out, my wardrobe changed quite a bit. There was a slightly more... femme, goth girl feel to it. Arm warmers, gloves, black shirts, skinny jeans, skulls everywhere, and I also started wearing flower clips in my hair. I've also been dressing up a lot more lately, but that's because my personal belief is to dress up on a day you think is going to be difficult to get through, and it's been a rough few weeks. I love how it feels, love everyone's reaction to it, and love feeling "pretty" for once in my life. I don't wear makeup, but feel a whole lot more femme than I was just a few years ago. It was also nice not to lose that "tough girl" image from elementary school, a lot of my friends still view me that way. I never really connected my gender expression to my sexuality until I saw this thread, but I guess it all kinda makes sense now.
Haha, exactly this! Though I don't wear gothy-lolita things anymore, I still love to feel pretty. I started wearing makeup, buying skirts + dresses and actually brushing my hair in my beginning outed-lesbian stages, and I haven't changed. Maybe I was a little scared of being thought of as "Oh, of course she's lesbian; her hair is so short and she wears flannels, after all." So, I grew out my hair and changed my style, but I got attached to it and it became me.
Wow so many things! @tanya thanks for the feedback, I tried to write as accurately as possible the reasons behind my shifting identity. I still have short hair too, but am slowly gonna grow it out, or at least do something asymmetric but more feminine. I always wanted short hair when I thought I was more or less straight; so as soon as I discovered I wasn't I handed my friend the scissors. It was so liberating! @EleanorHunter yes all I ever wanted to do was grow up to be the tough girl I always wanted to be. I'm sort of reclaiming that even as I present myself more feminine. But speaking from my experience, as kids we had this idea of femininity as softness and weakness, and now that we are older we see many more examples of strong women and it's allowing us to feel strong while staying feminine. At least that's how I see it. @Mysz... it's interesting that you rejected the 'signifiers' out of fear of being a stereotype. I guess I did the opposite: I cut my hair to try on being someone else (a stereotypical queer lady) because I felt like it was such a big shift in identity for me that I had to try to fit in somehow... if that makes sense.
As a kid I was a real tomboy and in my early teens I had an individual and really alternative style. But then I reached a point, where I wanted to fit into boxes somehow... be the type of girl people expect and I tried to dress more girly, use make up and this stuff. But just after a short time I realised that I don't feel comfortable with it and that this is not me...so I changed back to my old style! I also wanted to cut my hair short but was scared about what others may think. Since the day I came out and got a few years older I realised that I just have to be the way it feels right. And now, my style is not feminine at all but either butch. Now it is just alternative and just me and that gives me so much confidence! (and I made the step to short hair and I'm happy with it :eusa_clap ) So you see, to figure out your style it may take some time, some phases and finally you find your own style you feel right with.
Hey Wondering I am goin g the other way being male born but presenting femm for the most part! I to have experience something of what you are feeling ( the other way of course) you have to experiment and see how comfortable you are and how you relate to others and how they relate to you, sort match your inward thoughts to your outward projection. if you like wearing / dressing femm no problem if you want to look more butch , great too or somewhere inbetween to also cool. Its just finding what you are comfortable with and sticking to it. Buy us changing our outwards appearance there is going to be reactions and will force us to re evaluate how we feel about that and are we comfortable with changes and reaction from others.
When I was in elementary school I refused to wear most girls' clothes, especially anything pink. I bought my clothes in the boys' section because I couldn't stand short shorts and delicate sandals...I got my hair chopped to my ears, almost. It was dramatic. But I liked it. Then in middle school/high school I started my political-punk-rock phase, in which I wear band t-shirts and jeans and combat boots, eyeliner, whatever. I still won't wear pink things or girly things, and I wouldn't describe myself as feminine, but I wouldn't necessarily say I'm butch, either... I mean, I like to think I seem scary and/or tough, but my hair is long and all. I don't know. Sometimes I think I'd like to just wear casual stuff--gender-neutral, really, and also high-school-social-sector-neutral, and just wear...whatever. I don't think I'll ever be really femme (oh, but I'm so not a great judge of my personal future) but I figure as I "settle into" my "identity" my appearance/style/categorization-by-other-people(and myself) will probably change.
