Hey everyone Sorry if it seems like im just using this post to complain, cause i'm not - i'm really looking for advice anywhere i can get it. But i'm feeling a little desperate right now, so if i sound whiny, or insane haha ... well just bear with me. I think it'll help just to get some of this stuff out. Appreciate any help/feedback. Also, this may be *triggering* for people who deal with Self injury, so be aware of that. I'm like... scared of myself right now. Since November i've been cutting (just gonna say SI-ing from now on) almost every day, for a lot of different reasons. And recently its got a little worse. Right now, while i'm typing this, i really like the fact that i'm Bi. Like alot - i think its awesome, actually, and life's been happier in some ways since i've figured it out. My orientation meshes SO well with my personality and interests that i think i'm almost sorta lucky. But i don't always think that, if that makes sense. I feel like two different people. I grew up in a Mormon family, and even though i've resolved things with one of my parents, i always grew up hearing homophobic things from like... everyone i loved. Parents, family, church leaders, freinds, everyone. And i genuinly hated myself for a couple reasons (not trying to be like "aughh i hate myself" and whine and stuff, but yea). And having crushes on guys was the biggest reason. So the cutting started when i couldn't take hating myself anymore. I had accepted the fact that i'm probably bi, and i had started accepting other things about myself and trying to love myself, but the self hatred, anxiety and depression still didn't go away, and i started getting so enraged and emotional that i scratched myself with my fingernails, realized it made me feel better, then used tweezers, then blades.... and its escalated from there. And i can't stop. And i like... don't want to. Like the longer its been since i last SIed, the more anxious i get. Not just because i feel worse, but i feel like i'm losing part of me. It sort of like i'm a ball of string thats slowly unraveling, and every time i SI i get neatly packed together again (that sounded less odd in my head haha). Plus it seems like everything is triggering. Being around anything to do with the Mormon religion makes me want to cut. Music, comments about the LGBT community, writing this post, everything. And the most triggering thing... ok sorry for the graphicness.... is masturbating to thoughts of guys. Like until i'm done i don't feel bad about it whatsoever - hell i feel awesome haha - but immediately after i hate myself and everyone else for making me hate myself. And i have to cut to fix it. And im an eighteen year old guy soooo probably not gonna stop masturbating any time soon haha. So i dunno what i'm asking really. Mostly i'm looking to talk to anyone else dealing with this issue. And for someone to tell me that i'm not crazy. I dunno. I'm just struggling right now because everything in my life is getting better but everything inside just feels worse. I went back to school, i've reconnected with friends, reconciled with my mom, left the Mormon Church, i have a good future, i'm actually happy about my orientation most of the time... and im actually happy, but im not... i dunno. I just feel worse and angrier. Augh now im just complaining so i'll stop. Thanks for reading.
I understand the thoughts of self injury. I was cutting for about 7 or 8 years... I still have urges and it's terrible. Now I feel terrible when I don't cut but I feel worse if I do. If you need to talk I'll be here. I hope things get better for you.
Next time you get the urge to cut, try distracting yourself with an alternative to self-harming. Some alternatives to self-harming: *Scream as loudly as you can. *Hit a cushion or throw it against a wall. *Squeeze ice. *Squeeze a stress ball. *Rip a newspaper or phone directory to shreds. *Play loud music. *Go for a walk/run. *Draw/paint how you're feeling. *Write about how you're feeling. Try to figure out how you're feeling and talk to somebody about it. If you can't talk to your friends/family then there's always Samaritans. I self harmed in various ways over many years. It's just like any other addiction, you need to find your motivation for quitting and remind yourself of that motivation when you get the urge to cut. You won't achieve anything by cutting.
SIing is definitely something that's best nipped in the bud as early as possible. It can become an addiction, the longer you do it the worse it can get. Your body starts to like the rush of endorphins when you SI, and when you don't your body misses it. The endorphins get released in the brain which act as natural painkillers, but also cause elated feelings and reduce tension. When you self harm long enough, there's a danger that you will feel increasingly less pain, meaning you need to more serious injury to reach the same point of 'relief' you did when you started, which can obviously lead to serious complications. Like ComingClean said, there are a bunch of things you can do when the urge arises, ranging from reading a book to hanging out with friends. Personally, I like peeling glue off of my skin. It requires me to be patient while I wait for it to dry, and when I peel it off, for whatever reason, the slight tugging on my skin is comforting. Not to make SIing seem good, but I have to disagree with ComingClean when she says you won't achieve anything by cutting. You do. That's why so many people start SIing in the first place. It's a quick way to make yourself feel better. It's important to recognize why we do something: learning the reasoning behind something is more beneficial than simply learning what to do and not do. So I don't just seem like someone talking the talk, I've also had problems with SIing in the past, using various means. Something that I personally think can be helpful (I've never seen definitive studies showing one way or the other) is having a 'sponsor' (I'm using that in the sense that 12 step programs use it[one of the only things I think they got right]). Obviously talking to someone who is actually medically trained to deal with SIing would be magnitudes better than someone who isn't, but just having someone that you know you can talk to about your problem without them judging can make all the difference. Though I still recommend a doctor. If you do need someone to talk to if you can't talk to doctors, family, friends, or anyone in some sort of outreach program near your home, you're always welcome to talk to me.
It may seem like you are losing that part of yourself; I struggle with SI too. I get it; sometimes it sucks and other times it just makes sense. It's a very easy version of 'reality,' and order. Control. Anyways, just know that you are BEAUTIFUL, lovely, and desirable. I can't make you any promises lol, because life may not always work out how we want it to in our heads. I thought SI would reach a point where I would realize 'okay, I've had enough. I'm done.' But I haven't reached that point yet. After much (MUCH), internal debating, I've come to this conclusion: I need and want ALL of myself to experience the world, with all of my mental capacities, abilities to love, and girly emotional tendencies haha! And I personally have been so used to my order and neatness that everything else is just too scary. But I'm taking that step to move forward, and you can too! You may feel like you're losing a part of yourself; in reality, you're gaining back a part of yourself that has had to go through crap. That went to sleep and has been dormant for awhile. It's okay; I completely understand. . This part of yourself that you might lose may just be another door opening for your true, amazing self to come back. 'Push away the fear, embrace the love.'
I definitely understand the not wanting to stop. I didn't and I got really frustrated whenever the couple of people that knew about it tried to get me to because I felt like they didn't understand how it evened me out. Eventually, it honestly got down to an ultimatum from a friend of mine who suffers from ocd threatening to go off her meds and stop going to therapy unless I got help and stopped SI. Which, just so we're acknowledging this, is a terrible way to go about getting someone to stop. But it worked, and it was really, really hard at first for like the first month, and sometimes it still is, but I started writing more and more and finding other ways to get myself level and I think about it less and less. The best way that I can explain it from this side of it is that when I wasn't breathing the breathing tube seemed pretty stinkin phenomenal but now that I figured out how to breathe on my own I realize how crippling the tube was. you may have to physically force yourself to stop, force yourself to tell someone so they can call and text you and make sure you don't go there, and you'll probably hate stopping for at least some period of time. But it is so much better once you get through it. My advice for that - find something you're really passionate about and whenever you want to SI put absolutely all of your energy into that until you absolutely can't anymore. It helps get through the rough moments/rough nights. Best of luck and feel free to shoot me a message if ever you need.
I had a problem with SI on and off (mostly off, but still...) for years, including when I was much older than people who usually do it. But I haven't done it in many years now and I honestly think I'm finished. I know it was hard for me to give up because in some way I felt like it made me "special" but I got over that. I agree with the advice above -- find something you're passionate about. Also make sure to have people to talk to about all the homophobia you're dealing with.
