Hello, everyone! I am new to the forums. I am in my early 20s, and am very confused about what I am. Since early high school, I have felt something flow downstairs when I see an attractive man. Sometimes it goes into my penis, more often my asshole area, occasionally both. It doesn't happen 100% of the time, though, and it is fleeting. Sometimes this pulse of warmth/blood occurs when I see something I associate with homosexuality (for example, it once happened when I saw a San Francisco logo on someone's jacket) and sometimes it happens for no apparent reason. Sometimes reading a man's name on a page, or words like "boy", can trigger it. But, the link between seeing an attractive man and this pulse is rather consistent. That said, I don't usually get hard from gay porn. I've imagined a guy screwing me in the ass, and rarely I get a hard-on, but usually I feel nothing at all. I typically jerk off to images of women, but that is pretty muddled. What gets me hard is a mental picture of a playful woman having dirty fun, and sometimes I imagine being the woman in question, but when I insert myself and actually imagine penis-in-vagina sex, I often get soft. Not always, though. I've never had sex with anyone, and have anxiety issues related to sexuality. I want to sort out what I am before I get serious about dating. I've been like a ship without a rudder, spinning in every sexual direction - straight, mostly straight, bi, most gay, completely gay, asexual, sexual but aromantic, etc. - for a long time now. At the heart of my self-doubt is what I described above, feeling a pulse of blood to my asshole when I see an attractive man, and what it means. Aren't gay men still men, and don't they get a robust erection when they see an attractive, shirtless guy? If I'm not feeling a lot of blood in my penis, then I am not gay - but then what else could it mean? Also, I am not OK with identifying as bi. Almost all men lean toward one gender or the other, and I think finding out which gender I prefer eventually and identifying as that isn't too much to ask. Perhaps I need a therapist, but I can't really afford one. Help?
