Alright, I know this is really cliche but I'm really confused right now... So basically, all my life I've been attracted to boys and to be quite frank, still am! I'm actually a self proclaimed 'boy addict', I seriously love cute boys and handsome boys and funny boys and OMG ORIENTAL ASIAN BOYS and... alright, I think you get the message! I'm also quite the pervert so I fantasize a LOT! being a masochist, I enjoy the thought of S&M too! aha! even to the extent where I sometimes like boy on boy action!!! :***:well, getting on with it, I REALLY like boys.... or at least I thought :eusa_naug So I have an acquaintance (not quite my friend) she works at a book shop that I visit far too frequently because i'm a free loader who likes to read without paying (I kid.. sort of!) I met her when I was about 13 ,I'm sixteen now!, she came up to me and started a conversation (she usually does when she gets bored of actually working! aha!) because we both like manga! I know 'AHHHH so geeky!!' ;D well, we hit it off great and even talked for hours during her shifts ,sometimes until the store was closing or she had to leave! but they were very far and in between conversations, like every once in 3 weeks! otherwise i'd just read and pretend I didn't notice her, the reason was because she was busy and I didn't want to be a nuisance to her! but as the years progressed we started to become closer and now if I see her we talk straight away... but here's where ut really beguins Okay... so uh..... ummm.... b-basically.... I might of been a little ignorant when I was younger... uh, for some reason when we first met (I was 13 OKAY!!!???) somehow the conversation led to sexuality and I sort of said something along the lines of 'I don't mind between two boys, but two girls is just disgusting' .....yeah.... :bang: She just laughed and said 'maybe when you get older you'll understand!' :roflmao: Moving on about a year or two later (about 14-15) our conversations grew from books, anime and manga to personal life as well, I started to learn more about her! like her school life, her first job, her parents, her room mate, her first girlfriend, her- WAIT!!! Yup!!!! she just slipped it in to the conversation SO casually! I thought I her her wrong at first so I asked her about her first 'girlfriend' and she told me! I am not homophobic in ANY way, I actually really admired how open she was about it! it was sort of... cute? maybe? :icon_redf:icon_redf ....Until I remembered the SHOCKING horror of what I said a couple years ago.... *inhale* ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :help: I nearly died!!!! I was so embarrassed for my previous self, and horrified that I said that to a lesbian!! >.< I was sure she secretly hated me for that! but thank goodness she seems like the kind who forgave my naivety. We continued to talk after that every time I went to visit (which is like 3 days out of a week!) and I've even talked to her about her ex-girlfriend a lot of times before too! but lately, things seem different, I think about her quite a bit (I'm not gonna lie and say all the time) like when I'm not concentrating, my mind will automatically run with thoughts of her! but I made no deal out of this until things got odd.... :tears: Suddenly I had almost sexual thoughts of her, like kissing and stuff. But I'd feel slightly sick at the thought afterwards however, I just couldn't help it!!! I have noticed recently that when I plan on going there, I take ages to get ready because I want to look nice for her specifically! and I try to wear clothes that either seem really cute (I hope she's a lolicon!) or low down tops/ short skirts (I'm quite the girly girl!) then I try to lean down just to see if she'll look (not that I mind if she does!) I can feel my heart race when I wonder if she'll even be working or not, and I go through a phase of 'Omg I hope she's here! no wait- I really don't want her to see me now! But I put this much effort in to my outfit for her! Oh God, I'm getting so nervous NOWWWWW!!!!'... yeah, something along those lines! then I get really depressed if I don't get to see her or really happy that we got to talk! I can feel my face start to get hot when I talk to her, though that's not really abnormal for me since I'm quite shy! But what was really weird, was the other day at school when I was going to my first lesson of the day! I suddenly stopped and my heart stared to beat like crazy!! I blushed and I felt a slight twang in my heart when I randomly thought of her. I've never had this feeling for anyone else before, so I'm not sure if this is love or not! but it really caught me off guard and I can't stop thinking about it! My eyes are always fixated on her when she walks away and I stare in to her eye's when we talk, which is quite odd for me since I must have ADHD or something cause I can't help but look at something else when listening to someone talk (of course I do actually listen to people!) But when ever I think of us doing anything other than maybe a bit of touching I start to feel slightly grossed out! I don't think I like girls, or at least not as much as boys! but I do often stare sometimes at girls asses or breast if they have a low cut top's, but I don't really think much of it! I've never fell in love with any guy or girl before and I pretty much only like celebrities or people online! So I'm super confused as to why I feel like this, I really look up to her and we have similar interests, I also like how if there is a lull in the conversation she'll bring up a new topic! I sometimes even get a little jealous if she talks to other customers with the same book tastes, especially boys! (even though I know she has to as part of her job and she's a lesbian so it would never work out anyway!) I dunno, I'm really confused right now since I don't think of any other girl like this at all! PLEASE HELP ME!!! :icon_sad: Extra info! .She changes her hair style a LOT and I'm not just talking about the style! no! she changes it from long to short and then from black to blond and then to blue! (her current style!) she's like fucking Ramona flowers from Scott pilgrim! she's also fairly pale with blue eyes! .For those zodiac fans like me! she's an Aquarius (of course! spreading their pheromones!) and I'm a Taurus, two days off Gemini! .She's super skinny with like, zero boobs and a boy like figure!!! I find this SOOOOOO cute and love a flat chest more than anything! on both boys and girls! she's fairly tall too, well, she's taller than me at least (I'm quite short!) .Even though we like the same things (Including our love for yaoi!) we have some opposing opinions (she like's dogs and I'm FUCKING TERRIFIED OF THEM! I obviously like cat's more... okay they're not drastic differences but still!) .She wears glasses and is super cute and pretty! in a geeky way! and she's a LOT older than me, I'm sixteen and she's.... well, let's forget about that! age is just a number after all! I'll say she's in her twenties All advice will be appriciated and I'm so sorry this is so long! if you actually read all of this! thank you!!!! :smilewave :eusa_clap This is sort of deep for my first thread! :rolle:
Ok, well first of all welcome :smilewave Yeah that was more than a little to get through :lol: but that's not a problem, write whatever you feel is best (as long as it's in paragraphs!). I'm in a similar boat (well, I'd be at the other side of the lake I guess), so you're not alone by any stretch. To me it sounds like you do like this girl, in more ways than one at that. You seem to like her in a romantic way especially, seeing as you get nervous when you talk to her and you want to look nice for her etc. With regard to the fantasies, I also think there could be something there. You say you feel disgusted by them- but only afterwards. That could be because same-sex fantasies are new to you and subconsciously you either don't know what to make of them or you think they're wrong in some way (they're not of course, but sometimes your mind tells you that whether or not you actually think it). The main point is, you keep coming back to them because you enjoy having them. If you didn't enjoy them, then I'd have thought you'd have lost interest in them fairly quickly. The way you think about her and fixate on her makes it seem like you at least have a crush on her. It's possible that you're really feeling an extreme strain of admiration/friendship for her, but... it seems to be something more. Tbh, not many people would behave this way around someone who was just an acquaintance :lol:! Some other things to think about (that I've picked up from EC): -when you're out and about, who do you find your gaze drawn to more? Girls? Guys? A smattering of each? -when you're looking at other girls- is it in a sexual way or is it plain old admiration? -when you're fantasising (with no porn, no stimuli- just you and your thoughts!), do you prefer same-sex or straight fantasies? Which do you get more often? -who could you see yourself in a relationship with? Just some things to think about. More important though is not to let this whole questioning thing get you down. It's alright to have a few ideas on your sexuality, but when it's the only thing you're able to think about all day, that gets very irritating. Also, don't try and force an answer; I've found that whenever you try to rationalise or think your way out of the problem, it only gets harder to find an answer. It's very easy to overanalyse, so let your sexuality come to you rather than trying to drag yourself to it. Don't feel as though you need a label, because you don't really- you can still function without one, right? Basically, don't get too worked up about this, remain calm and let things happen when they will. P.S. your lesbian remark really isn't anything to worry about. Around that age I wasn't even aware of gay stuff and I'd only recently stopped believing that the moon was made of cheese (but really... if only it was!). Main thing is you were making that remark out of ignorance rather than malice. That's something we all do so as long as you learned from it it's all good. All the best!
