Hi all, I'm a 29 year old female from Scotland. I grew up with a religious/anti-gay mother. I didn't have any interest in boys or girls going through school, and was basically confused about the whole thing about sex/sexual attraction - like, more than naive, just uninterested. So, I identified as quietly asexual in my early twenties, although I seriously wondered if I was gay and repressing it due to the homophobic atmosphere at home. At 25 after some mental health issues, I was diagnosed as having Aspergers Syndrome. After that, a lot of anxiety and such dissipated, and I began to experience sexuality. So, I had my first kiss at 26 with a boy- it was nice, but nothing really came of it. A few months later, I met up in real life with a male friend I'd known online for a few years. Something electric happened, and he moved across the country to be with me three weeks later. We were engaged, but due to some issues, after three years together we separated last month. As things stand right now there is a likelihood that we will get back together later. Here's the thing, though. I don't know if any of you in the UK saw the Stephen Fry documentary, I can't remember what it was called but it was about LGBT in societies around the world... I was watching that, but there was just this one line in it 'Why should anybody care who a person thinks about when they masturbate?' and this line just completely stuck in my head because I always think of girls. Like, the first time I ever had an orgasm, when I was 25, I was thinking of a girl I knew at the time. But I loved and still love the guy that I was with for three years. Part of me felt, when we were together, like maybe I am gay but it doesn't matter because this person is the one for me and he just happens to be a guy. Whether it's relevant or not, he's of fairly feminine appearance but is straight male - he does get mistaken for a woman quite often. And it does freak me out that I might be gay, because my family is very close knit, and I really don't know how my mum and dad would handle it at all because they believe it's wrong to be gay. :icon_sad: Just to add an interesting twist to the story... I actually got chatted up by a girl for the first time in my life, a couple of weeks ago. I can't stop thinking about her and grinned like an idiot for the rest of the day. I don't know, it's confusing. It's like, I have options now, and that highlighted it. But I feel like I don't really know how to explore those options...and I'm scared to. I do kind of regret not getting her number! I mean, whatever happens, I just need to know and accept who I am. But neither part is easy. And I worry about my parents not accepting who I am...if it goes that way... my mum had enough of a hard time about him moving in before we were married. Urgh. I've been clear to the ex-fiance that we are currently at 'seeing other people' level. But I don't know... I just don't even know. If I don't explore my sexuality a bit now when I have the chance, what if we get back together and I don't get the chance again? But on the other side, I'm probably not at the right place emotionally right now either. Urgh. Sorry for this endless ramble.... believe it or not it's edited down. I guess it's years of confusion just all erupting right now because of all the upheaval. I just feel like I'm at the wrong life stage for all this stuff, you know?
Hi Copper, welcome to EC! The first thing I want to say involves your mum. I realise that it's much easier for me to say being on the outside and all, but her problems are HER PROBLEMS. If she doesn't like it, that is for her to deal with, it's not something you should feel bad about. I know it sucks that she probably won't be OK with it, and it's nowhere near as easy for you to sit there are wholeheartedly think "Well that's HER problem" than it is for me to suggest it, but it has to be said! Quick question...well perhaps 2... 1. When you were with your fiance, how often did you think about other women? and what were you doing at those times? 2. Aside from feeling happy that it happened, did you feel anything else when this girl chatted you up?
Hello Coppercurl, welcome to EC The way you said "years of confusion erupting" was an excellent way of putting it. I think it's great that you have taken this step towards discovering more of who you are. Even that alone takes some courage and honesty with yourself so I can appreciate your post. In my humble opinion, I think the best thing you can do right now is allow yourself time to digest/process the separation from your fiance. When things have settled in that area, then I think it would be a good for you to take some time to explore your sexuality when you are ready. Try not to worry so much about what mum would say/think/do, you would cross that bridge when you came to it, but for now, I think you need to be free in your mind without worrying about what mum or anyone else would say. Lastly, don't be too hard on yourself. None of the questions or answers are easy, but to me you seem like a strong woman. You will figure it all out xoxoxox
Like you I would offend think of girls when masturbating , I think you should explore your sexuality as well and like everyone said not worry about what your mom thinks .
Hey guys, thanks for your responses. Honestly, I got a bit scared of posting back until now which feels silly but these are big questions and I have a lot to deal with right now.... You're right, I need to let go of what my family thinks and allow them to make their own minds up instead of inventing their responses in my own head. But it's not an issue that I'm ready to raise at the moment. I've brought up the issue with one or two close friends who aren't straight and they've said that they've thought that I've been something other than straight for a long time. (The words 'at least bi' were used... ) If you know the French film, Blue is the Warmest Colour (Le bleu est un couleur chaude), I watched that in December last year and I basically sat there in the cinema and cried for a good third of it - most of all, at the part where Emma brings Adele home to meet her mum and stepdad. I dunno, but I think it was the warm acceptance of Adele as Emma's girlfriend... I just sat there with tears all down my face and didn't really know why. I don't know, I just... argh. To be honest, I wouldn't even be posting this unless I had a drink, because I was really bothered that I'd posted anything before and I flat deleted any other emails from the site because it bothered me. It just feels so damned complicated, and I don't need any more complications right now. This is the thing, I'm far more sure I'm attracted to girls once I've had a couple of drinks, and that's probably pretty telling. :icon_sad: I just don't know how to gauge sexual attraction, really. I just want to solve that problem and then maybe I'll know... but I guess that's just chapter 1, isn't it? *sigh*
