I've identified as bisexual since I was 13, pansexual since I was 15 or 16. I've felt comfortable with that until a year or so ago. I'm anatomically female (also unsure of my gender so I'll make a post about that as well), but I've never been with a girl beyond making out and frankly, I'm terrified to go any further. Women intimidate me. I do find them physically attractive, though, and my first love was a girl. Men, on the other hand, I have been sexual with (though not too often), I do need a strong bond of some kind before I can be with them intimately (demi-sexual?), and relationships with them intimidate me (though less than being intimate with a woman does) but I have been in love with a man as well. That being said, the intimidations could be from past abuse. I've just started counseling so hopefully that will help me figure it out and deal with it if that is the case. About two weeks ago my mother asked me if I'm "a closet lesbian" as she put it. That caught me off-guard and messed with my head, especially since I haven't dated a girl since I was 16 and try to never comment on physical appearance aside from "love his/her hair" if it's, say, purple. Since then I've felt that I need to have this figured out /now/. A couple of you have told me not to rush it, I'll figure it out if and when I just do, and if I don't that's alright too. That has been comforting, but I just sort of feel the need to know who and what I am. That I should already know since I'm 24. Thank you to anyone who reads this and offers help!
Can I offer one suggestion? Label yourself if you will, but keep it broad. There are plenty of people out there who can quite happily apply wicked long labels like kinsey 4 demi-sexual homoramantic whatevermabob and that's great, BUT if you're finding yourself in a situation like yours where you don't know WHY you feel certain things, it's just going to cause more confusion and it won't sit right. Let's take an example from your post: " I do need a strong bond of some kind before I can be with them intimately" Now you question if that makes you demi-sexual. For all I know it does, I don't know enough about your situation to say one way or the other. What I CAN say though, is that feeling that way isn't uncommon. To the extent that it doesn't NEED a label if you don't want it to. Anyway, with specific regard to your orientation, consider the following: Your sexual orientation covers the genders you have the POTENTIAL to find sexually attractive, likewise with your romantic orientation which usually (but by no means always) is at least similar. It doesn't really matter if you would or wouldn't do anything with a person of a certain gender, we all have our reasons not to, but if you still feel some attraction to them you can feel free to use a label that applies. So you identified as pan until recently. Meaning you have the potential to be ATTRACTED TO (but not necessarily prepared to move things forward with) any of the various genders or no gender. I know that doesn't help much if you then want to start looking for someone to date, but it might be that as you said, if you form a strong connection with a woman you might suddenly find yourself able to go for it...then you can start worrying about extra bits for your label
Thank you, Ellia. Wow, I don't really want a label I won't even remember. That is wicked long! I didn't know that feeling was common. I'm always hearing people I know talk about random hook-ups and one-night-stands. I felt like I was weird because I just can't do that. Even if part of me wants to, from loneliness or whatever, I can't do it. I get called a "prude" for it, but I don't think I can help it. I've tried! lol Maybe for those people I'll use the term, at least for now, but others I'm more comfortable being myself around I won't. Because they accept that about me without the name-calling or shaming. Hmm.. so do you think panromantic would be more appropriate? Bad question, I know, only I can really answer that. I'm just so lost. So many words and terms and I'm already confused and more keep popping up! lol I don't really need to figure this out right now, I just really want it to be figured out. Thank you! You have helped a good deal!
