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How i found out.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by rainbowkeyblade, Feb 2, 2014.

  1. rainbowkeyblade

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2014
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    Location:
    Zurich, Switzerland/The Hague, NL
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    So I have always been a tomboy.. Sometimes I like girly things, sometimes I disgust them.

    About half a year back I was watching some tv alone in the house, I was watching a series about high schools in the UK. This girl comes to an advisor (at the school) and asks her for advice about her gf. The advisor asks if she's lesbian and the girl tells her she thinks she's bisexual. CLICK.

    Suddenly I was doubting everything and thinking that this isn't happening. i am in denial.

    The next day I tell my best friend that I'm not sure which way I swing. She says it's fine and calms me down. Slowly as the days pass i get more depressive and sad. Then one day I'm at school and realize that I've had this question before.

    Back in middle school I told my friend that I was doubting (and I was already bullied before) and she told all my peers. the bullying got worse, I was called a whore at least once a day (and even worse &%£@). Ultimately, i think when I left the school (to go to high school), I blocked it out.

    These memories come back and haunt me, and make me very depressive. I want to kill myself almost every hour and am usually one hair away from actually doing so. I used to be (and still am sometimes) so afraid of being sent to de-lgbt therapy, my parents finding out and being kicked out. I was so alone and I was falling into a bottomless void, I couldn't talk to my parents (super religious, kinda homophobic), to anyone really.

    It's a miracle i survived..
     
  2. pinklov3ly

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,445
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    Location:
    Musty Mitten
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm sorry that no one has responded to your thread yet, but I am here now!

    Reading your post, I can most definitely relate to you during my younger days, especially being a tomboy. You'd usually catch me hanging with my brother and his friends, although I've had my fair share of barbies; they were all gay by the way :grin:

    I have always known since I was very young (like 6 or 7), that I was attracted to girls, but I didn't know what it meant to be "gay" until I was around 13. That was during the time of middle school and trying to ''fit" in with everyone was else, so I kept my feelings a secret.

    No one ever suspected that I liked girls, which was an advantage because I used to check out girls doing PE. Thankfully, no one ever caught me staring, but I figured it was a normal thing that all girls did. I was never bullied in school and I'm sorry that you had to endure that torment. I can't imagine what that must have felt like.

    Although, I was not bullied, I knew that liking the same sex was looked down upon, so I also blocked out my feelings. However, once I turned 17, I couldn't contain my feelings anymore, so I started coming out to family and friends, but I hated myself. I used to self harm and have tried to take my life numerous time. I am so glad that I lived to see another day because I eventually learned that God loves me no matter what. It was the religious fanatics who told me otherwise, and it was horrible because I thought there was something wrong with me.

    And I am so sorry that your parents may not be understanding, because I know how much their support would mean to you. I know that you're young, but there is help out there for you. Is there anyway that you could talk to a guidance counselor at school maybe even a school psychologist?

    I was unable to see a doctor without my parents consent since I was underage, but once I turned 18, I sought treatment myself. I knew that ending my life would be selfish and hurt those around me. I mean, they would have had no idea why and I knew that it would unfair to them.

    I am not going to lie, it took a lot for me to get better, but here I am. I was on medication for many years, which really helped me, so do not be opposed to taking medicine if necessary. Medication isn't for everyone as the side effects can sometimes outweigh the benefits, but I'm sure your doctor will know the best course of treatment for you. So, please hang in there, talk to your parents about how you're feeling because they are there for you. My biggest mistake was not speaking up, because I was ashamed, but there's nothing to be ashamed of. If you ever want to talk, I am here for you (*hug*)
     
    #2 pinklov3ly, Feb 2, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2014