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Confused? Help!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jasdav, Feb 3, 2014.

  1. jasdav

    jasdav Guest

    When i was 13 i would masturbate to girls and only girls. Lesbian porn, Straight, ect. That continued for 4 years. Then i almost got board of it and masturbation was a chore and not fun. I also had emetophobia, and masturbation was a big outlet. I mean i fit a lot of stereotypes that i was gay. People always thought i was gay. They would come up and ask me. I used to dance, i dont play sports cause i suck, and i do art. I even remember someone stole my sketchpad freshman year and wrote "FAG" on every page. I cried so much. always in private though. I bottled everything up. I even remember during the middle school graduation party(run by the school) three kids beat me up and tried to throw me in the fountain outside the venue. They where stopped by teachers. But, nothing was ever reported because they where star athletes. I had people hack my facebook and write that i was a "flaming faggot". They then decided to put on there walls that "***** ***** is gay as hell" Thats when i tried self harm too. I used to cut my upper are a lot. I was depressed and felt that no one liked me. And honestly, i had only three friends. I did however technically loose my virginity that year. I had two friends over (girls). One i was attracted too and the other not at all. She looked like a boy. She cut her hair, and said she was a lesbian. Then we all hooked up. The girl i didn't like, liked me and i wont lie, she was a good kisser. But the one i liked didn't participate as much. I had a hard time getting it up. I barley did. It was so embarrassing. Then they asked me if i was gay. I was pissed , ya know. I liked it, and it was really exciting, but i couldn't get it up. I felt like less of a man. I mean, who gets to fulfill the fantasy of loosing your virginity during a threesome?! After that year, i tried different porn. I tried- sigh- gay porn. I dont really know why it turned me on, but i think its because i was attracted to seeing anyone excited. Its didn't bother me much. I didn't think anything of it. I mean, i had crushes and always had fantasies about girls. I didnt know. I was so confused. So that night, i tried to strangle myself, although i couldent succeeded. Now that i look at it, i was stupid. But, i was so sad. I had people tell me it was better if i was dead. Was doing this proving them right? I dont know, but i know have learned that life is too valuable to let go. So right now, i have gotten though a week. I have had fantasies about both men and women, but i would really only want to act on woman. I dont have anything against being gay, and if i am. good. whateves. but, i dont like being confused. I was expecting a difference right away, but i guess its not fast. I guess ill keep going. I am still very depressed though. I mask it by a smile though. No one except you, the person reading, know the true horrors that i have done to myself, and the things that people put me through. And to clarify again, i am not going to do anything to harm myself. Does anyone have any thoughts? Im still not sure if im gay. I dont ever think of being in a emotional relation ship with a guy, but i have only thought of sex. For girls, its both. I would never actually have sex with a guy though. Its really confusing. Just recently, i am try to refrain from all porn. Its helping. But recently, i feel like my head is playing games with me. In the past day, i found some guys really attractive, I dont know. Its weird. I just get this butterfly feeling when i think of haveing sex with a girl. Like the excited type of feeling. Any thoughts?
     
  2. jasdav

    jasdav Guest

    To add- im starting to find guys more and more attractive. Im obsessing so much. To the point where i cant tell if there real or mind playing tricks on me.
     
  3. FancyGummy

    Full Member

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    Whatever you do, don't let other people's assumptions dictate you. That being said, being teenagers we tend to be attracted to anything sexual, so don't jump to conclusions. And yeah, staying away from porn from a while is probably a good idea, but what do I know?

    Edit: Just read post in more detail - you need to tell someone IRL about the bullying, at least, you are in a very dangerous situation atm - just remember, having some form of a life will always be better than nothing at all. And remember, you have people who care here (*hug*)
     
    #3 FancyGummy, Feb 4, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2014
  4. ChromeNerd

    Regular Member

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    I can kind of relate to your situation. I was originally only attracted to girls as well. I tried to come out as gay when I was fourteen. No one believed me and that made me feel very depressed and cofused. I started to watch gay porn and I enjoyed it more than lesbian or straight porn. I started to find guys more attractive. I started identifying as bi. Right now I'm still not sure if I'm gay or bi. I want to say that I'm gay, but I doubt myself whenever I notice attractive guys.
     
  5. jasdav

    jasdav Guest

    I just hate not knowing. I m even scared of being denial if that does make sense. I just dont know what to think anymore.