Hello Just joined the forums. 21 year old male in need of some serious advice. I'll try to be detailed without dragging on. Let me start by saying I have have many symptoms of OCD, and it has been inhibiting since my early teen years. I have been getting intrusive thoughts that have revolved around health, religion, harm, etc for quite a while. Furthermore, I feel the need to do silly things like touch something a few times while thinking a thought that counters a bad thought in order to reduce the anxiety. I've never been diagnosed, I've just lived with it, trying to fight it and perhaps get over it on my own. I have highs and lows, but for the most part I've been able to work with it. Another thing, I've been dealing with a lot of stress. For about 3 months now, I've been questioning if I want to stay with my girlfriend for a reason I can't discover. I'm also adjusting to a new school and having a hard time with it. Anyway, these are just some things to keep in mind as I say what I'm about to say. Now for why I'm here: for the past few weeks I've been obsessed over my sexual orientation. A couple weeks ago I was looking at a guy...and I wasn't sure what I was feeling but I was questioning whether or not it was a warm fuzzy feeling or not. A couple days later I had a dream that I was in a relationship with one of my friends, and that we had sex for about 5 seconds or so. I remember at the end of the dream I was hugging him and it felt weird...I remember thinking in the dream that I wanted to be with my girlfriend while I was hugging him (regardless of the fact that I can't stop feeling like I don't want to be with her in real life). But anyway, that's how this all started. Now, I can't stop questioning things such as whether or not I could see myself in a relationship with a guy, whether or not I'm sexually attracted to a guy, etc. I find myself looking at guys and trying to see if I find them attractive or not pretty much every time one pops up online, at school, anywhere. I've also been trying to masturbate while thinking of guys. The result: it doesn't get me going. It's not repulsive either, but it just feels forced. When I think about women, I have no problems. When it comes to imagining myself in a relationship with a guy, I pretty much feel the same way. It doesn't sit right or seem fulfilling in my mind. You may be thinking, "Alright, well you're pretty much answering your own question. You're obviously straight." But for some reason, no matter how much I reassure myself, I can't seem to stop obsessing. I always seem to find a reason to question it. For example, a few times in my life I've felt attracted to guys. Not guys in general, but a specific guy, a different one for each situation. The attraction lasted for maybe 10 - 30 minutes each time. However, aside from these cases, I've always thought about girls. The thought of guys could never get me going sexually. I've also been in multiple relationships with girls and have had strong feelings for them. I just can't seem to shake this. This may seem generic, but all my life I've legitimately desired and dreamt of having a wife and kids. The thought of being in a same-sex relationship always seemed obscure to me (no offense), and I never found myself fantasizing a future with another man. But now, for some reason, I can't stop looking at guys and questioning whether or not I've been repressing my true feelings or something along those lines. I can't stop looking up things online about it and trying to reassure myself that it's not true. I'm going crazy! It's like my mind is telling me I like guys but the thoughts feel unnatural...they're unwanted, intrusive. I really don't think they're true, and I think I'm creating something false in my mind out of stress and possibly OCD. However, I just wanted to get some of your opinions on the matter. Any help would be appreciated.
I think it is really difficult to say. You should probably see a doctor about your OCD and see if you can get it diagnosed. I am certain there are treatments and help out there for you with that alone. There are behavioural therapies which might be able to help. But to me that seems like a sensible avenue to explore as you do seem concerned about it. With regards to the sexual orientation. I myself am trying to come to terms with my sexuality. For a while I have had some hidden interest in guys, but have maintained long term relationships with women. I want the same as you a wife and kids, I always have done but now suddenly I find myself falling for this one guy. What I am trying to say is that there are certain aspects of being gay that I find off putting. I can't say whether you are straight, gay, bi or what. But what I can say is you certainly have some curiosity to be questioning this. Life isn't simple and I don't have the answers for you or for myself I hope you find some peace with it.
Well, clearly, you have OCD. But you already knew that. When I was in denial, for a while, I reached for the thread that I had HOCD. But while I do suffer from OCD much as you do, I am not a case of HOCD. I'm just not straight. From the way you describe it, I would say that yeah, this is likely at least largely due to the anxiety getting to you. You say you have had short-term attractions, but by that, do you mean you find them attractive as in pleasing to look at, or like actually giving you a sexual response? Have you ever had a legitimate crush on a guy? Is there anything in your past that just falls into place as this realization comes to you? Regardless, seeing a therapist would be a good idea, even if for your OCD. Take it from me - you never know how much it's controlling you until you get a chance to loosen up a little.
Querying - As in pleasing to look at. I didn't get sexual responses from them. As for legitimate crushes: there's only one instance I consider, back in 4th grade. It was a long time ago so I don't remember much, but from what I recall it felt like a crush for the most part. Maybe I should see a therapist...but something about that irks me. I've come so far without one and it might just be the anxiety and stress from my current problems (girlfriend, school) eating away at me :/ I don't know. Guy88 - Yeah, our situations seem pretty similar. I'd say we differ slightly though because it seems like you have been more aware of your attraction to guys, whereas I haven't really questioned it much at all until recently. But I hope you figure everything out too.
Its so funny because i have the SAME issues. Im trying to figure out my sexuality. Dont think abot genders too much, just think about who you want to be with. I tend to beleive that just because you have one relation ship with the same sex dosent mean your gay or bi. Also, just like my room, life is messy. People go fro phase to phase. Just take it one day at a time. Also, stop looking it up/thinking about it. It makes it worse. I know from experience. Stop testing yourself. You begin to obsess more. I wish i could take my own advice. PM me if you want to take about it some more.
