I accidentally posted this in the wrong forum first... oops! Hi everyone... I've come to an extremely confusing point, and have nobody in my life I can have an honest conversation about it with. Hopefully I can get some support and understanding here. This is extremely long, but I really appreciate anyone who can bear with me and help me out. My background: I'm 27, and have been with my amazing boyfriend for 11 years. Seriously, he is wonderful! We're high school sweethearts and he really is my best friend. We're currently living together and are unofficially engaged (due to mainly to finances). I've always felt attracted to girls, and I remember in middle school enjoying being around other girls while we changed in the locker room for pe. I never had crushes on boys the way most girls did. Looking back now, I kind of feel like I had to make an effort to crush on boys so that I could be like everyone else. That said, I really do love my boyfriend. When I was around 19/20 I told him how I thought I might be bisexual, and that the idea of a threesome with another girl really excited me. He embraced this, and told me he thought it was hot. We've never had a threesome, probably because we both are so picky. Flash forward to now: The past few years we were both so busy with college and jobs, that the idea of threesomes and other girls kind of went away from my mind. I was extremely happy and in love with my boyfriend anyway. Recently, my being into girls came up again, and we made an account together on an adult chat site to try and find a girl. I've expressed to him how I feel - that it seems like most people either want a man or a woman, and are content when they get one. I feel the need to have both. I have a man, my boyfriend, and am very happy with him, but I'm missing a woman. A girlfriend. She couldn't ever replace my boyfriend, and he couldn't replace her. To me it's like apples to oranges. He again embraced this, and said he wouldn't mind if I had a girlfriend as long as I was open and honest with him. On the chat site, we found a girl we both found very attractive whose profile said she was bisexual. The first night we talked, he was typing and I was laying next to him on the couch (it was late and I was starting to get tired). I've talked with her alone several times since, and my boyfriend knows about it. He was perfectly okay with me having cybersex with her, which again thought was hot. I explained to him that I wasn't just doing it to "be hot" and that I really, deeply, wanted to. He was okay with that. The confusion... Although I only know her online, I've really fallen for this girl. I met my boyfriend online 11 years ago, and it started out very similar. When talking about her to my bf I referred to her as "my lover" which he thought was cute. After a few talks with her, she told me she would rather be my girlfriend. Again, bf is totally fine with me having a girlfriend too. What scares me is how deeply I'm falling for her. It isn't just a casual online fling anymore: we've had lots of deep discussions about our pasts, our lives, and our dreams. We have a very deep connection and to put it bluntly, are in love with each other. She knows about my boyfriend, and seems to understand, but says she's okay with sharing me "for now" but hopes it isn't "forever." She lives quite far away, but has mentioned coming to our area to visit someday. Bf says he would like that, and would even let her stay with us. My bf seems so sweet and understanding about this, but I'm not sure he fully understands how deep my feelings for her are. I don't just want this to be a threesome, I want to be with her. Last night we talked about it, and I started crying, saying that I wished I could just be straight because it would be so much simpler. I told him how I thought I was in love with her, and wish she could be my wife. He said that was okay, and I looked at him with tears saying, "Well what about us?" He said we were fine, and said, "Well you still love me and want to be with me, right? I'm totally fine with all this. I understand completely and would love it if she could come stay with us." I told him, "What if I got so into her that I wanted to be with just her?" He said he knew that would never happen, but if it did it would be a problem. I asked what would happen if it became a problem, and he said he would "Take care of it by ending it." My heart sank when he said that. To me this isn't just some fun fantasy that needs to be ended if it goes too far. As much as I love my boyfriend, I'm finding myself less attracted to him. Physically, I don't look at him and think, "Damn!" I try to avoid sex with him - all I do is wish that it were her instead. Her and I have done oral sex when we cybered, something bf and I have NEVER done in our 11 years. Last night, he went to eat me out, which I HATED. I knew he was only doing it because he knew about her. I told him to stop, and he looked up upset and said, "So I can't do it?" I felt bad and told him he could, but honestly, I hated it. It completely grossed me out that it was him doing it. And the entire time, I cringed every time I felt his scratchy chin and could only think, "This is NOT how she does it at all!" The thought of someday leaving my boyfriend and having a life with her has bounced into my mind a few times. I feel so guilty, but I love that thought and it makes me happy. I feel like I could never do that to my boyfriend though, and that our families and friends would be devastated. Not to mention, my parents are extremely homophobic. Right now I find myself wishing something would happen. My boyfriend would realize he was gay (which I know he's not), he would get so fed up with me and leave me, or meet another girl. Something to make him want to leave me, so that I could pursue my relationship with this girl without feeling tied down. Not to mention, if it did go "too far" and he "banned" me from it, it would destroy us. I would be heartbroken and so angry with him. I just couldn't see myself being like, "Okay" and going back to being madly in love with him like I was before. In all honesty, if that were to happen, I could see myself breaking up with him and going back to her. Okay, that's all. Thank you for reading, i really appreciate it. I didn't mean for it to be so long, but I really wanted to express how complex my feelings and the situation are and how confused I am. :bang:
Hey it's good to get your feelings out, and writing can be good for that. No one here or anywhere else can tell you whether you are gay or bisexual. I know it all seems really scary right now but you will work your way through it. When you have been with someone as long as you have with your boyfriend any decisions have to be taken carefully. There are some things to think about. Forgetting about this girl for a moment. Say this girl was out of the picture, would you still want to be with your boyfriend. Do you think the fantasy of the girl is better than perhaps the reality would be? Forgetting everyone else around you, assuming you won't upset anyone what would you choose to do? From what you have said I get the feeling you think you are gay and that you would most like to just be with the girl but it feels like you are scared of hurting your boyfriend and your family etc. I could be wrong but that is the feeling I get from your post.
Idk but when I have gotten close to people online and then met them in person, many times the dynamic changed for me (there was just something about them that wasnt the same when communicating online) so I would actually meet this person FTF before coming to any concrete conclusions about her. I agree that you give the impression with what you wrote that you have come to some conclusion in your own mind that you are a lesbian. He does sound like hes going to leave if you want to be with her only.... you kinda seem like you put him between a rock and a hard place with the question. You're upset with him "ending it" but you are suggesting that you may want to be with just her. Just my opinion not knowing anything but what you wrote, but I think it would be most fair to all of you for you to take time away from your BF to figure things out. That usually means a breakup though. I really feel for you. You want to be true to yourself and not hurt others. Either way good luck with whatever you do.
