Hey all, I posted here a while back with regards to me having a bit of confusion about my sexual orientation. Im a 25 year old male BTW. So what led to my last post here many months ago was my continual obsession with my sexual orientation. This had been an issue on and off for around 4 or 5 years and I finally decided to delve into this mental quandary and see who was what and what was who. At a young age (9-10) I had both homosexual and heterosexual experiences with my peers, some even forced upon me. I had a fairly normal time as a teenager apart from one thing, I was never shy around women, I mean I seriously did not beat around the bush so to speak. I would ask them if they wanted to have some fun and if they said yes well that was it. As far is I can tell this was fairly abnormal behaviour for a 14 Yr old to exhibit and as a consequence I became sexually active at a young age. As a 25 year old with a GF of 2 years these events of my childhood and teen years have started to encroach upon my day to day and manifest into all consuming thoughts and feelings of confusion, shame and anxiety. Naturally, after the first few weeks of this I had enough, booked myself into see a Psych. I was and am completely open with my psychologist (female) and have spoken to her about my severe anxiety etc. even going so far as to talk to her about my daily routine of "checking" my sexuality. I question myself, proceed to attempt to look at various types of homosexual orientated pornography, dont feel either here nor there about it, conclude that I am straight ( watch straight porn and masturbate just to be sure) feel fine for maybe half an hour and once again follow the same routine. After administering various tests etc it has been concluded that I suffer from OCD. Even with this diagnosis I still am not satisfied, I do exhibit obsessive thoughts on other issues and have mild checking and rechecking issues with things like the stove etc. I am currently going through a period in which the last two days I have been frozen in time, constantly checking my sexual orientation etc. It seems to get worse when I am really tired or hung over. ( I have been both). Anyway, I have spoken to my partner about this on numerous occasions and she is very understanding. Our sex life, although maybe a bit on the slow side, 2-3 times a week, is pretty freaken good, I have no problems maintaining or ejaculating, maybe occasionally have issues getting in to the mood, usually once again, when i am tired or hung over. Furthermore, I have a very diverse and understanding group of friends (some are LGBT), I generally feel at ease around them unless ive had a bad couple of days with these thought patterns. My main issue at the moment is that I have this feeling of impending doom, like something is just over my shoulder waiting to pounce. Anyway, I am not really looking for reassurance or anything like that, just to put this issue into writing. So if you have taken the time to read this, thanks. Feel free to post your thoughts if you have any, even if you just think I worry too much haha.
It's fantastic that you are able to voice these thoughts and concerns so openly and honestly, I've always thought that the first step anyone needs to take in order to "self improve" (For lack of a better term) is to accept their "problems/weaknesses/quirks" (once again, lack of a better term). Hiding from them, or denying them in no way helps and can just lead to long periods of pain and suffering. Obviously following this acceptance being able to open up is a HUGE-ly benifical thing, just being able to talk about your thoughts and feelings can often help you gain an insight you would not be able to just thinking about them. (As strange as it is) I'm glad that you've chosen to seek "professional" advice on this as well. There is a no shame in seeking help, it's why those people are there, to help. There is a clear need for them in our society. They have training specifically to help in these areas, make use of it! I think the last comment you've made is the most in line with my thoughts on the matter.... Stop worrying so much! It sounds like you've got a great relationship with your girlfriend, I don't see much point in the worries of "What If?". You've got a good thing, try focus on the more and worry a little less! I wish you all the best with your journey, I hope in time you can put the negative/worry-some thoughts and feelings behind you.
