I dont really know where to start.. or what to actually say. this is the first time ive ever done something like this, or mentioned it to anybody.. basically because im so unsure myself i dont want to put the burden on anyone else til i have it all figured out. But thats where im having such an issue, and i really thought i knew who i was, sexual orientation wise, but as time just keeps going on im getting more and more unsure of myself. i always thought i was straight, i kind of still believe that idea. but idk? like ive been doing a lot of thinking lately, finding myself, looking deep within to figure out who i really am. ive been keeping track of my tendencies, and ive been noticing so many things i never noticed before.. and its making me question EVERYTHING. ive done a lot of research too, trying to see if anyone else has the same situation but i keep coming up blank. so i decided that i guess its time for me to start asking the questions, i just need to know if im right about all of this or not. so here it goes. um so i guess ill let you know how i act and what i do. ive never had a girlfriend before, just been with quite a few guys.. and i can say that out of all of them theres only been a few where i felt a REAL attraction to.. idk, nothing ever works out when it comes to me and boys. i notice that i dont even find myself looking at them anymore.. i rarely am checking out a guy, but if a guy and girl were to be walking toward me or something i would catch myself looking at the girl first. or in movies, im always looking at the women in them, i notice just about everything about thhem from their looks to their personalities and style. idk if i should call it an attraction though, because ive thought about it a lot and i just cant picture myself physically BEING with another female. i cant see myself performing any sexual acts with them.. but why do i look at them so much then?? sometimes i even end up dreaming about them, about me being with them. and it just confuses the hell out of me. when i catch myself looking at another girl i try hard to find a guy to think about, idk why. idk if im just afraid? i mean i DO like guys, i do think im attracted to them because when.. you know.. its that time of night.. and youre gettin all... ancy... i think about being with a guy and it does turn me on.. i just dont know if i JUST find woman beautiful to look at and thats all.. or if theres more that i want that i dont even realize yet.. now on to the way I act. idk if it has anything to do with being gay or not by being a female and acting in a more masculine way. i just have to know. everything i do, i now notice is pretty much how a guy would be. like from the way i sit, to the way i talk, and even dance! even the way i dress seems a little tom boyish to me, haha idk if im just being crazy or not i know girls are this way and say theyre straight. and i think thats who i am. but idk. i just dont know anymore. like i said ive never had a girlfriend, but i had one experience because i ACTUALLY got asked if i was a lesbian.. thats when i started to question myself so i asked my friend (who is bi) to help me out.. so i experimented with her with a kiss.. and honestly felt nothing from it. idk if its because she was my friend and thats how i saw her, just like when i have a guy friend and see him strictly as a friend. and you know what ive been looking back at my life a lot and noticing a lot of things about it that might seem a little different. idk if it makes a difference but i also have a gay brother.. idk why im so scared to talk to anyone about it. idk if i really want to be that way, because im scared. im just scared to know the truth, but i need to know because its driving me crazy!! and idk if any of you will be able to help me out, or if anything i said makes any sense, or is the way that i want it to be said.. just if you have any input here PLEASE feel free to say it. i just need to know what someone else thinks of my situation.. am i really a lesbian?.. bisexual?.. who am i?? sincerely, Confused.
To be honest, it hardly sounds like you would be lesbian, or even bi-sexual really. You said you kissed your friend, but it would probably help to kiss a girl you felt something towards, that way you could gauge your true intentions a bit better. You need to ask yourself if you feel romantically interested in girls, as it's always possible you just don't like having sex with them. If not, then I would say that you're most likely straight, unless something changes. And as for you noticing and analyzing them, it may just be you acknowledging how attractive they are (which doesn't have to be anything romantic or sexual). Now as for you feeling a lost of attraction towards men...could be that you're demi- and just now noticing it. That's the best I can tell ya, at this point.
Your story resembles mine. I have been around the block quite a bit with guys, kept stressing about not finding one I was really into, kept forcing myself to be someone I wasn't. But whenever I would date I would jump to, "is this someone I could see myself marrying and having kids?" I didn't actually enjoy dating... it felt like a transaction. I hardly ever dated someone for the sake of spending time with them. If that makes sense. What broke through for me was a sudden development of a crush on a girl, and all of a sudden I felt like what you were describing, of noticing women but not really being able to picture myself doing sexual things with them. But in this crush, I realized I just wanted to be near her all the time, and doing vaguely sexual things I imagined girls did with each other but being very unclear on what those were. It didn't matter though in that moment. In that moment-- before a period of 10 months during which I would analyze every posture, every glance, every action, every thought, every memory that I ever had-- I realized that all the hangups didn't matter and that I could see myself with a woman. Okay my point... it sounds like you may be bisexual at least. Don't rule out other identities though. Stop judging your thoughts and let yourself experience what you experience. You don't have to figure this out now. Also, everyone's experience is different and you may or may not find another person's story to relate to. Build your own narrative.
