So I've been having a really hard time coming to terms with what my sexual orientation is, as a bunch of different signs have been pushing me in different directions and I've been battling many internal conflicts of my own. This post will have a bunch of disconnected, unorganized sections that contain my thoughts and experiences. Be prepared for a long, and probably odd, (as it is 2 in the morning :dead read. When I was younger, I always played with my older brother, and wanted to be just like him. We played video games on his PS2, we would play with his toy cars, and we would hang out with the neighborhood kids, (which mostly consisted of boys). And I came off to everyone as a tomboy. Time passed and I grew independent from my brother, I started acting more like a girl, having girl-friends (as in, friends who are girls :lol, going to the mall, ect, but I still retained a lot of interests from when I was younger, and like when I was younger, didn't care terribly much about having a boyfriend, or dating anybody. Heck, the only thing my daily wardrobe pretty much consists of is a t-shirt, jeans, converse, and my favorite grey hoodie. This, in itself wasn't what had me doubting myself, but it added to what was leading up to my eventual questioning. Near the end of 9th grade, and the beginning of 10th grade (currently in) things began to change. I had made a new girl-friend through my pal Ryan, as he had introduced me to her, and I instantly noticed that she seemed... special, somehow, compared to the other girls, couldn't tell how really, just kinda felt it. This was just the beginning. As the year went on, I would always notice things about her that I wouldn't think to when talking with any of my other friends, the way she looked when she was upset, when she would change her hairstyle or the color of her nails. And I would oftentimes catch myself staring at her for longer than I should've. Everything about her was just flawless, and she was absolutely beautiful. When she eventually got a boyfriend, I remember getting unnaturally jealous, even though I had no right to. One day, many days later, it just clicked. Holy cow, I have a crush... On a girl! Even now, as I type this, my chest gets kind of fluttery at the thought. But even so, I think it could have just been a simple girl crush, it's not like it's solid evidence that I was gay, or was it? I don't know After all this convincing evidence though, I still have doubts, sometimes I'll look at liking another girl and think to myself that it would be something that I'd never do, while at other times, feel as though it's the right path to pursue. One thing I do know, however, is that I'm not looking for a relationship anytime soon. The thought of dating a boy seems like a bad idea to me, yet when I imagine it with another girl, it somehow seems like something that could work. The major roadblock that I'm facing right now is my parents. Specifically, my Christian parents. I've never been a real big follower of Christianity myself, but my parents, and my family on both sides are strongly religious. To my knowledge, nobody in my entire family is gay, or at least, openly gay. As I've mentioned briefly in my Welcome post, my parents are not very supportive of the LGBT community. It seems like they tolerate it, rather than support, or approve of it. This fact, coupled with the fact that I'm not sure if I'm actually gay, makes it that much harder to tell my parents, or friends. I'm very much an introvert, especially when it comes to my feelings, so even something like telling a school guidance counselor seems like an impossible task. All of these things floating around in my head have been sitting there collecting dust with nobody to tell them to, so I've had to try and figure all of this out on my own. If anybody could provide insight on what's going on, weather it's a phase, exploring my orientation, or something more, please leave a reply, and once again, thank you for being so supportive. :icon_redf ---------- Post added 10th Feb 2014 at 01:56 AM ---------- Aaaaaand, I'm pretty sure this is in the wrong section. *Sigh* Ireallyneedsomesleep...
Well, to summarize your post: never thought about relationships, when I did, I only liked girls (specifically, this certain one), but I'm not sure and parents are christians and might not help me much. hmm... from this summary, it seems pretty obvious that you're more lesbian than straight :lol: I wouldn't worry so much about whether you're lesbian or straight though, so much as how you're going to admit your feelings. While I'm the exact opposite of a relation guru, I can tell you previous post, it's not a good idea to pursue straight girls, it usually does not end well. If I we're you, see if she might feel the same way, if she is at least bi; otherwise, it may end awkwardly between you two. With your parents, it would be best to do the same: test the waters and see how they react to someone being gay. Now granted, it will be different when it's you (it most always is), so it will almost certainly be a surprise, whatever the reaction. Still I wish you the best of luck
Heh, yeah. I've pretty much given up the ghost on that one after seeing that she was obviously straight. :lol: Thank you for the advice though, I think I'll wait and see if anybody else has any other input before making any decisions, but your post has definitely put my mind at ease a bit. I think the only decision I'm going to be making right now is the decision to sleep.
I'm not going to lie, I didn't read your whole post, so forgive me if I have the wrong end of the stick. I just wanted to say that I spent a lot of time umming and ahhing over my sexual orientation.. And it was definitely wasted time! Just do whatever makes you happy, no one can tell you whether you're gay or not except you. Go out, have fun, kiss boys and kiss girls and you will eventually know what feels right for you.
Hey I can certainly relate to quite a bit of your post. The best thing to do is try not to panic, I know it seems a lot to deal with right now but it will get better. You dont have to tell your parents right now there isnt any rush. You dont have to tell your friends either although having someone to confide in is often quite helpful. EC is a really awesome place so even if you feel you cant talk to your family or friends everyone here will be able to help for sure. I cant tell you whether or not you are gay but I would say from your post that you definitely dont sound straight. When I first realised I was gay I felt like I was facing head on to a mountain and I couldnt even see the path, but with the help of people here on EC and then later my friends and family I made it through and it definitely got better. I was lucky in that my parents were very supportive, but dont give up on your parents just yet. You may not be ready to tell them now, but in my time on EC I have seen people who would have even described their parents as homophobic end up with a positive outcome. The love parent has for their child can do magical things and sometimes its easy to stand against something or someone until you know them personally or until you know someone going through it. As for how we can help, what do you most want right now? To be more certain about your sexuality? Just to have someone to talk to? If you have questions we will do our best to answer them.
Surprisingly similar to my situation about a year ago (swapped around, of course)... And sadly, in my case, the situation hasn't really changed beyond learning to accept myself. That's the first, most important thing. Props for being a lover of multi-colored horses, they can help you through some pretty tough situations:lol:. In fact, watching MLP was the first time I realized something was different about me... felt like joy-puking for almost an hour after my first time watching it:lol: Good luck, and remember, it will get better!
Wow, what a great number of supportive posts, and in such a short amount of time too! Your posts have really put my mind at ease and helped eliminate some of the worries I've been having. I think, for now, I"ll wait and see how this develops. But I'm definitely a lot more secure about that choice now!(*hug*)
