A couple of more questions and such (long)

Hey guys/girls,

I apologize in advance if my questions here are annoying or banal, but I am still struggling with some sexual orientation issues, (social) anxiety and feeling confused in general.

Cliffs: About 30 years old, male, think I am mostly straight but questioning, a Kinsey 1-1.5 or so, most posters didn't think I was gay, but maybe at most bisexual leaning towards women. You can read my previous threads here, but they are long:

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexua...102761-confused-male-30s-gay-bi-straight.html
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gende...ven-more-confused-now-after-reading-here.html

I have as mentioned quite a few other mental and emotional problems due to difficult childhood, some minor disabilities and such and will go see a therapist (again) sooner rather than later and I will talk with him and her about these things including my sexuality. In the mean time I am interested in hearing your opinions on a few things.

My brother who I am very close to, we are in fact twins, recently came out to me as gay, mostly gay. I sort of expected it, but still it is not one of those things we really discuss on a daily basis. Anyway, that has definitely led me to question my own sexuality as you can read in the previous threads.

I've had doubts and thoughts about my orientation for probably as long as I could remember. Though when it did pop up, it was rather quickly dismissed because my attraction to women was simply to strong on a basic sexual level. In fact I were to go out and get drunk (to overcome my general shyness) and sleep with a girl, I am fairly certain I'd dismiss the whole thing as stupid since I'd feel so good afterwards. In fact that happened since my last posts and my sexuality seemed clear to me for some time after that.

I tried messaging a couple of guys here who seemed to have similar stories to ask them, but the forum wouldn't allow me to, so I will ask them in public instead. The reason why I am asking these questions again, even if it may seem you have already answered them is because I am at the moment quite distraught mentally. I am NOT claiming hocd or whatever, but I do have a habit of unhealthy anxiety and fear over many things, in the past for example very bad and almost debilitating health anxiety, where when it was worst I walk around for an hour or more outside the emergency room because I was convinced I was about the get terminally ill. I've spent a lot of money on ridicolous tests for all kinds of imagined diseases, wouldn't shake hands with people because I thought they'd give me scabies. Anyway, not to get off points, but I think regardless of anything I have a problem with thoughts running off.

Here are some questions I wanted to ask:

- I've never really had any gay fantasies as such. When I masturbate without porn it is usually a girl I've seen during the day, some girl from my past, a female coworker. I remember having vivid heterosexual dreams, but few if any homosexual, not pleasurable at least. I have some straight fantasies which would be considered a bit deviant by most where I do feel very aroused from them and find them pleasurable even if it makes me feel ashamed afterwards. Even though I feel a bit ashamed, I see no real problem in having a pleasurable fantasy as such or liking that. I think that if I had those kind of gay fantasies it would at least be pretty obvious to me that I liked it, because it would be the same kind of 'forbidden pleasure' to begin with? Is this what you felt like with gay fantasies?

- I've had sex with quite a lot of girls. I liked it a lot. Then I began considering if it was just advanced masturbation, but I have had, and probably still do if I wasn't low libido and questioning, such strong sexual attraction. For example, I got hard as rock when flirting with a girl, before even having touched. If I had a girl over, before sex, during sex and after sex, I'd be hard non-stop for hours to the point where it was a serious annoyance, couldn't keep my hands off her, too feel that soft and warm body and such. Another (graphic) detail, like penetrating a girl I was particularly attracted too in missionairy and that feeling of first slowly entering her lying between her legs. Kissing her standing up, her leaned against me, that feeling when she is suddenly close to your face, before you lean in for the first kiss, my hands on her hips. I could go on. My point is, does anyone who indentifies as bisexual or gay, identify with that kind of strong sexual attraction towards the opposite sex?

- Another thing I've noticed is that my doubts and confusion grow when I am isolated and lonely for a while, which happens because I work in foreign locations for months. I may begin craving company and also male companionship, where - as stated in previous threads - can desire/crave emotional closeness to other man, probably to a larger degree than most straight guys, which is part of why I am confused. However, when I keep in touch and see my male friends regularly, I feel much more confident in my sexual orientation. This confuses me. I really am not sure if my need and wants for male companionship are normal friendship or something else. It really is the only thing that probably sets these things going, because the emotional closeness I desire with men is perhaps a bit more than most guys. Couple that with my difficulties with emotional intimacy with women or is it really more fear of emotional intimacy with women or lack of desire for it, I don't know.

- But I don't really have gay sexual desires or fantasies. Talking to my brother, he seems rather clear about that he has. I really, really dislike the idea of being a gay guy in denial or even bisexual in denial. I really don't know if it is possible to repress your orientation to a degree where there is no fantasies, dreams or anything sexual. Some might have said, try watching some gay porn or kissing a guy. I tried watching some gay porn. Didn't do anything for me really, I described it as mechanical and rather nonsexual. Not as disgusted as I'd think, just seemed weird. The problem with this experimentation is that I don't feel like I actually want to?

Yes, it is a long rambling post, I will go see a therapist, clearly I need to figure things out one way or another. In any case, I will as always greatly appreciate your replies if any.