I somehow can't accept myself as gay .

[First of all , my english is not very good , so sorry about that]
Hey , my name is Daniel , i am 16yo and i've known that i am gay since i was like 3yo ( yes , 3 , not 13 ) . I remember myself having some "different feelings" ( attraction , something that when you are so so old you don't know waht it is , but you realize as you get older ) on guys when i was very very very young , i just didn't know what it was and never cared about it . I never , in my entire life , had a SEXUAL atracttion to girls , i sometimes , when i waas like 8 ~ 11 i had an emmotional crush on girls , but i don't know if i had that because the soceiety ( at the time , friends ) was trying to show me that it was a thing that i had to do , and just followed that , but as i said , only emotional crushes . These ones were very different than my crushes on boys . I've always felt something very different on guys that i don't on girls , that is physicall attraction ( as i said , since 3 ) and after some time ( 14yo ) emmotional crushes ( then , my emmotional crushes on girls kinda disappered , because at that age i started to feel something that i saw on guys that i didn't on girls , that are like ( here comes one thing that i've being struggling SO HARD for the past 2 months , i don't know if this really exists or society built up my mind a way that i started to thing that ONLY boys can provide it ) safety , "equality" ( let me explain it : i feel like if i had a girlfriend , i would be the guys that makes her safe , confortable , someone that somehow , WITHOUT wanting to be sexist , i would be the one who "cares" ( in the meaning of making her safe , warm , etc ) , deal with all her small girly tantrums ... i feel like if i had a boyfriend everything would be more equal ,and i am not saying that there isn't any type of positioning in some gay relationships , because are , but i think that it would be so smaller and ye . ( i feel like i can't "take care" about someone , i must feel "safe" ona relationship and i can't feel safe with a girl ) [ HERE IS A BIG TROUBLE : If i think on the essence of it , ignoring all the society things that they put in our minds , men and woman ARE the same . But somehow i feel like i would never be confortable with a girl , i would not feel safe and that there is someone that i could hug and that someone be someone that i can thrust and feel safe . It is TOO complex , let me know what you think about it , i don't know if it really exists , or if it is just something that society built on my mind , i am just so lost on this topic . I feel like there is some hormonal/genetical thing that makes man be mostly the one who "takes care" . I think that it looks so sexist , but i don't know , i feel it and i wont lie because lie in here is pointless ( i dont think , really dont belive , that there is a active difference on man and woman . When saying active , i say that there isn't that thing that the man is who drives , tho works , and woman who cooks , who takes care of children . Just saying it , BUT , as i said for the 5th time , i can't imagine myself "safe" and confortable with a girl .

Another thing is that i felt that i had to be all girly etc ( i kinda wanted to be , but wouldn't be confortable ) to be happy and do not "arrest" my feelings , but i felt like is better to be like i want the person . I mean , i think some type of guy hot , and i would be like that . I am saying that because i wouldn't like to date girly boys ( i said i wouldn't like to DATE , not saying that i have something against , because it would be so stupid : be gay and hate gay people , just making it clear ) , so i won't be girly . As i said before , one thing that i like is equality on relationships , and it i feel like if i was girly , i would't like to have a effeminate boyfriend because i just don't find it attractive , but i woulnt like to have a non affeminate because it wouldnt be equal . So i kinda decided to be like what i think that is hot, so i can feel well about my self and feel well on relatonships c: .

Talking now about physicall attraction , i always had ALOT more on guys than on girls , i can say that i am 99% physically gay (1% because it still a human , there is someway that i have a small attraction to it , i can't really imagine but should be ) . I already tried ( not with the intention to change , just to know what i really felt ) to feel attraction to girls , but never happened .

So , about coming out , i already came out , it was very good at the time , EVERYONE that i know accepted it 100% , all my friends and family were supportive with it . Here comes another thing that made one day TERRIBLE : i asked to my mom what was my dad reaction when she said that i was gay ( ye , i asked my mom to tell him . I told her when i was 13 and she didn't tell anyone ) , then he said that "i always were against all his toughts and liking " . I kinda agreed with it , not because i consciously remember today to do it , but i don't know if i did this on my nature to do not like anything that he does ( he likes soccer , I HATE IT . He likes sports , I HATE IT ) , this since i was a pretty young boy . But this is another thing that made me think : I dont know if i went against him because i didn't like him , or i didn't lie him because he kinda forced to me to like what i didn't . Another thing : my real fear about it , is like ( IF I AM GAY BECAUSE I WENT AGAINST HIM BECUASE OF MY NATURE ) i devaloped a "gay sexual/emotional" attraction , i make it disappear at the time just because i know it , and because straight or assexual , because i don't knwo if is possible , without any psychologic exercise , just for the fact of knowing the reason of one feeling , it disappear (the problem is if today i like boys , then i have a boyfrind have a beatiful life , then one day all that attraction disappear. THen my life turns into sh*t ) BUUUUUUUUUUUT here comes one thing that made me change my opinion on it : Remember that i said that i had PHYSICAL attraction to boys when i was 3yo ( i remember when i was on a resort i feel some kind of attraction on a guy there ) , so , i asked to my psychologist and it said that is almost impossible to a child , that has a innocent brain , that doesn't know that sex exists , how it is , that is based on a group of attractions and feelings , connect the fact that if a guy has a physical attraction to a boy , it would make it don't be with girls . My dad always someway directed me to girls , saying "look at that one" , "this one is cute 4 u" . I think that the thing of me don't liking him so much comes because he forced somthing that i didn't like .

Another thing is that i don't feel confortable being gay . I feel kinda "disgusted" to see myself with a guy , but feel jalous when seeing a happy gay couple . I am almost sure that it exists because society is homophobic and build that "being gay is not right" and that it is something that will disappear when i start knowing more gay people and realizing that there ISN'T this problem about being gay , i think that i am gonna see that it is the same thing . But i still lost about it , not very confident .

These are the things that made me realize that i am gay , but lost these days :I feel emotionaly attracted to men , but i dont know if i feel it becuase it exists or because i think that just men can provide "safety" ( etc etc etc i said it all ) and weman not . That my "proof why am gay" thing about my dad that is almost "solved" on my mind , that it is just something that doesn't exists , but needs to be almost 100% of surety to make it vanish from my mind . I did't say , but i NEVER dated a girl/boy , NEVER kissed a girl/guy . Thanks for reading it all and hope you help me . Bye !

 

Thanks for the awnser ! Yes , sometimes i tought that is better to just stop thinking so much and just follow what i feel , but it is hard because i am person that wants "the true" from everything . But i am starting to realize that life is short to try to discover a thing that i am never be able to know 100 % ! Think about it : i could have some toughts about a fact , but after some months they could change , and i cant know if they will change or not . It looks that i am ok with that now , but is hard to accept the fact that i am doing something ( prefeer emotionaly guys than women ) that could be the same thing ! But , as you said , i feel deep down that i emmotionaly like boys and feel unconfortable with girls too . I think that the fact of me having alot of more sexual attraction to boys ( almost 0 to girls ) shows that i wouldnt be happy if i was dating a girl anyways .

Again , thanks fort the awnser , helped !