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*Questioning-Woman Crush*

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by FlyRider02, Feb 13, 2014.

  1. FlyRider02

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    Hi!

    I've always been straight, wanted the Prince Charming when I was a little girl, etc.


    Eventually, I met my best friend; as girls tend to do, we got exceptionally emotionally close (closer than I've ever been to anyone in my life; I trust her with everything), &I admitted to myself a week ago that I think there was a part of me that had fallen in love with her. (But I've read that it's perfectly normal to develop feelings for your best friend, so I'm not worried about that).


    No, it's this other girl. She is-amazing. Fearless, alluring. Hilarious. Intelligent. Caring; hopeful. Everything I wish I could be. (but I also love admiring her for who she is and how she makes me feel.) :slight_smile:

    She is openly lesbian; we have talked very openly about many things; she is a fantastic friend! So anyways, we've hung out a few times in the past couple of weeks; I told her I have a crush on her (cuz I think I do), &I mean, she deeply cares about me. Because of my stupid fears and the fact that I'm just worried I'm using her to fill a lonely void in my life (the guys I know are all mediocre), I don't know how to respond to her flirting or loving feelings all the time.
    I love making her laugh, smile, blush. I love it when she looks at me in that way that makes me think she can read my mind through my eyes. I like holding her hand. She is a phenomenal hugger.

    I'm just so damn scared that I am building all of this stuff up in my head and eventually I will realize that this was all fake. I want to love her, and get to know her better.


    (I.e. We held hands today...it was very nice. She is so sweet and gentle. I was looking down @our interlocked fingers and just....didn't feel anything. I didn't feel any butterflies, but I was also nervous as hell, too.)

    Later, she held me. It was enjoyable. She kissed my cheek. (She is amazing like that!). I just pushed away all the 'scaredness,' &so-nervous-I-feel-sick thoughts and just went with it. And, when I stopped over analyzing, it was fine, I think. I was grinning like an idiot and blushing furiously I'm pretty sure....I just don't know if this is some sort of typical lust or raging hormones, but I just don't want to hurt her. Intentionally or unintentially.


    Earlier today, I was so worried about life. She just held me and comforted me. I just don't know how to respond; I know how I want to respond at times, but am so scared that I'll end up breaking her heart. (And my own, I suppose.). But she is SO worth it! I can't even begin to describe to you...wow. She makes me so damn happy

    Thoughts?
     
  2. silverhalo

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    So how would you like to respond?
     
  3. FlyRider02

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    Slowly. Gently. I want to get to know the real her better and make her feel loved.
    I want to care about her as she cares about me; to stop worrying about perfection and just accept this level of love I don't think I deserve.

    Does that sound stupid? I genuinely want to explore the non-fearful and calm side of myself in regards to her. I want to be what she wants and needs from a relationship; I just don't know if my level of love would be enough to satisfy her. I can't force myself to have or not have these feelings, but I do think that a part of me is curious and hoping that this could be nice and beneficial, albeit different than I'm used to. :slight_smile:
     
  4. AmiBee

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    Oh,sweetie, you are definitely sexually attracted to her. Tell her and see where it goes. If she feels the same, it can be the beginning of something amazing. Hug and kiss her and don't hold back.

    ---------- Post added 14th Feb 2014 at 09:44 PM ----------

    The slow seduction and first passionate fuckk is absolutely mind blowing and amazing!!!! Don't be too afraid to let your feelings show.
     
  5. silverhalo

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    Hey I definitely this you love and care for her. I understand your apprehension but I think it's natural and when you start over analysing things then it usually just leads to confusion.

    When I first got my girlfriend I felt similar in a way to how you feel, I was never the one to initiate hugs or kisses or anything, I was pretty scared. But then the more I got to know her and the more comfortable I felt in her company it just came naturally.

    It's great that you don't want to hurt her but as long as you are honest and open with her that is all you can do. Try not to worry about being what she needs as harsh as that sounds try not to change yourself because you think that's what she needs because it's easy to change yourself short term but in the end she needs to love you for who you are and it sounds at the moment like she does. That's not to say you should go out of your way for her, or do special things for her. I'm sure she would appreciate that. Maybe you can try and do one thing a day for her, so try and initiate a hug or initiate hand holding. Alternatives are find our something she likes such as a chocolate bar or drink and then when you know you are going to see her, bring one for her. It may be easier to show you care that way to start with whilst it's new and different.
     
  6. Jencat

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    You two sound super adorable, and so does your relationship. You sound like you have pretty regular Lesbian [pardon the non-inclusive first label!] Overthinking Syndrome. I can totally identify with that struggle. It's really, REALLY easy to start overthinking and hyperanalyzing things that mean a lot to you. In your situation, it sounds like that's why you're scared - you're really into this girl, and you don't want to mess it up.

    As for being scared of a broken heart, just realize that, no matter what happens in the long-term, you guys already have some really adorable memories. Focusing on that always helps me. There's some super cheesy quote somewhere about not being sad that it's over, but being happy that it happened. If a romantic relationship doesn't work out for you guys, you can always try being friends.

    This is something I try to stick by when it works, and it might not fit your relationship, but it might. Communicate about it! When you have a good opportunity (whether that's now, or once you guys get even closer, that's up to your judgement), tell her you're worried. Being open and honest about feelings in a relationship is important, especially if it might turn into a Relationship Relationship, or anything more than a platonic friendship.
     
  7. FlyRider02

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    Thank you!

    We hung out last night (it was FANTASTIC!) , and it need to clear up a few things lol.


    Right when I made the decision that we were going to hang out (because I wanted to see her and talk w her), I started feeling nervous. Not the anticipatory, 'butterflies in the stomach,' excited nervous, but the 'gut twisting, I feel sick because everything I'm doing is wrong' nervous.

    There are many reasons I could be feeling this way, the prominent one being that I want to make her happy. I want to empathize with her feelings and respond to her flirtatious remarks like she does with mine. (I.e...I don't know if i enjoy making her blush because I just like being in control of someone else's reaction, or if there is a little bit of attraction there.)

    Anyways, as soon as I saw her, the nervousness went away. However, I am 95% sure that I am straight, and think this nervousness may be because what the other 5% of me wants to do (romance her and be romanced by her) is wrong. For me, and just in general.....?

    She makes me smile and laugh, and she has such a masculine personality that I don't now how to respond to her; it's like I automatically put her in that 'boyfriend' but best friend role, and she's okay with it....I think.


    Anyways, I'm excited whenever I get to hang out with her...and really would like to eventually be able to accept her compliments and blush {just, feel loved and romantically attracted}, when she tells me those adorable things.

    I value her friendship above all else, and have decided that now isn't the time to jump right into something or secure romantic attraction feelings right away. I don't know if I am experiencing true attraction towards her, or just overthinking my circumstances and situation in life at this point in time.


    I would love to be attracted to her...and I may be, who knows lol? (She sure makes me smile an awful lot and say some honest, pretty dumb, and hilarious things!)

    But for right now, I'm content getting to know her better. And once I can make my own decisions in a few months, her and I can reevaluate and either A) pursue something {if I still feel that way....which I honestly hope I could}, or B) drop it because we've moved on.


    However, I'm still going to keep tabs on these feelings and impulses whenever we hang out. She calms me. Makes me feel normal. And takes care of me. She inspires me, (and confuses me lol...because I definitely want to hold her hand and gaze into her eyes sometimes) and at this time in my life, I don't know if I could ask for anything more. :slight_smile:


    What are your thoughts?
     
  8. silverhalo

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    How would you feel if she started dating another girl?
     
  9. FlyRider02

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    I think I would feel at least a tad jealous.....I really do love her romantic affection, even if I don't know if I can/how to return it.
     
  10. ThePhoenix

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    I would like to state I have no experience in this at all, however from my perspective it seems you really care for her and her you and your over analyzing things and not wanting to take the risk. I say talk to her about how you feel and just don't think about it see where your heart takes you.
     
  11. silverhalo

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    I agree with ThePheonix. I think you are so busy over analysing it that you almost make yourself freeze. It's new, exciting and daunting and you want to do the right thing.

    If it wasn't for the fact you don't know what to do or say would you do something?
     
  12. FlyRider02

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    Well...yes, I think. At the appropriate time and place lol. Sometimes however, I just like being with her, being her friend. And not letting my impulses to hold her hand or touch her hair overtake me lol. I want to be respectful to her, and not act rashly out of lust or some behavior that could inadvertently lead her on and break her heart in the end.

    Honestly though, I don't know. I don't know if I do like her or could be capable of liking her as more than a friend, so I don't want to risk her heartache or guilt/regret.
     
  13. silverhalo

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    Do you normally have urges to hold your friends hands?

    Is it merely the fear of not knowing if you like her like her that stops you from going through with the urges?
     
  14. FlyRider02

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    When I'm close to them, I appreciate their physical, friendly contact lol.

    But generally no, it's almost exactly what you described in the second question, fear of not knowing if I like her and not wanting to lead her on that stops me.
     
  15. silverhalo

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    I see. Not that I can but if I could promise she wouldn't get hurt would you go for it?
     
  16. FlyRider02

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  17. silverhalo

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    I'd say you are attracted to her. The problem is in life that sometimes the best things come with the highest risks.

    I'm not saying go for it because it's up to you, but I think if you just let yourself go you would probably enjoy it.

    I have another question (sorry about all the questions). When you are not with her, do you think about her? What are the nature of your thoughts?
     
  18. FlyRider02

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    Oh yes I think about her!

    About protecting her, laughing with her, making her happy, hanging around with her.

    *Sometimes* I think about holding her hand, stroking her cheek, or even just gently kissing her...to see what it would be like/to firmly 'know' if I would enjoy it. *sometimes, not usually lol.*

    I don't know if I just value her friendship and the typical physical affection that goes with it or if it could be something more. I don't feel anything when we hold hands, I mean, just besides calmness and contentness lol.

    It's like we are best friends, but sometimes it is a little fun to take it beyond that line just a tad.
     
  19. silverhalo

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    Other than this girl and your best friend have you ever had feelings for any other girls?
     
  20. FlyRider02

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