Hi! I'm new to this lovely forum, and I was gonna write an intro in the welcome board but I'm actually quite shy... That aside, someone said something to me recently that has kinda thrown me for a loop, and since there isn't anyone I can really talk to about it I found this site with the help of google in the hope of getting some other opinions on it. For a while now, I've noticed I like girls a lot more than I like men in all sorts of ways. When I picture myself in a relationship, the image of being with a girl makes me a lot happier than being with a guy and less... uneasy, I guess. I have a trans male friend who I'm really close to, and we've been hanging out together for years so I figured that he'd probably be more accepting of me since he's talked to me about how we ought to respect everyone's life choices and sexuality. When I talked to him about my feelings, he said that I was considering girls for the wrong reasons. I've had a lot of really bad experiences with men, and if I'm being honest I don't feel safe around them save for a select few such as close family or friends, and he pointed that out, saying that maybe I was just too scared of men now to date one and that would be the wrong reason to decide to date girls. I mean, he's not directly off the mark. I am really scared of guys and don't want to get intimate with one either physically or romantically. I don't even want to imagine it. Is that really a wrong reason for me to consider being with another girl, though? I can't tell at all, and if it is the wrong reason I'd like to know before I hurt someone unintentionally.
Oh dear...that's rough. Well I don't know for sure about this. I think in all honesty you shouldn't let someone else tell you why you feel the way you do. Just because your friend thinks that's the root of your feelings doesn't make that the case. It doesn't make it untrue either, but ultimately only you know why you feel what you feel. Moving on. I say that if you feel happier with women, and you feel more comfortable with the thought of being in a relationship with a girl over a boy than do that. If it is what makes you happy than follow the path that leads you to happiness. I'm no expert, but generally that seems to be the best method for achieving happiness. If you do, however, feel that your feelings stem from some sort of 'fear of men' than I would suggest you simply try finding a guy you are close with and taking things really slow. If after awhile and taking all the time in the world you still don't feel comfortable or right about things than it's probably more of an attraction thing and less of a 'fear' thing. Now I'm just gonna sit back and wait for other people to chime in on this in case I've missed the mark here
I think if you really do have feelings for girls, like you said you do, then that's the right reason to date girls. You have to really consider how you feel, and not what your friend thinks. For instance, when I told my mom that I don't want to be with a guy, she thought it was because not many guys have paid an interest in me, and I've never had a boyfriend. But the real reason I don't want to date men is because I like girls, not guys. If that's true for you, and it's not totally a fear of men issue, then don't worry about what other people say about your preferences. It sounds to me like you'd be happier with women!
I can relate. As a sexual abuse survivor, I've done a lot of soul-searching trying to decide if I really am asexual or just repressing my feelings because sex terrifies me. But then I realized there are piles of sexual abuse survivors who are terrified of sex and wish they could just never have sex, but still find themselves feeling sexual attraction. The vast majority of sexual abuse survivors are heterosexual, and from what I can tell GLBT isn't really any more common among abuse survivors (if you don't count those who were abused because of their orientation, of course). You weren't clear about what your 'bad experiences' with men have been, but it doesn't really matter - what I say applies just as much regardless of the severity. Your sexual desires don't really change if you have a bad experience - only how you feel about them changes.
Thanks for replying to me, I really appreciate it. I honestly haven't reached the point where I can really talk about my bad experiences with anyone yet and I find facing them directly very difficult, which is probably why I'm so confused most of the time. Even my friend only has a vague idea what I've been through. That being the case, I can't help but be concerned that my wanting to be with a girl is simply me avoiding my issues and I find myself worrying that if I were to date a girl and she were to find out about why I hate men she might not like me as much. I mean, I think that if I'm worried about losing a girl that I like, my orientation probably doesn't have anything to do with my bad experiences, but it's all pretty muddled for me. Thank you for your replies and opinions, though, since I feel like my thoughts on the matter are getting clearer.
it sounds like your attraction to females is real and even if it does stem from a past experience, it's still the right reason for you. a relationship is built on trust if you can't trust someone how can you build anything? i have survivor issues with people in certain walks of life. i have learned through counselling to trust them but only to a point, i could never be intimate with them. you may meet a man you trust ( other than family members of course ) and build on it or you may not. just be honest with whoever you get serious with.
I can relate darlin. I had a bad experience with a man as well, and I had to fight with myself when I realised I wanted to be with women. Was it because of my negative experience? It took me a while, but I finally realised the attraction was real. A heterosexual woman wouldn't have any real desire to be with a woman, I'm pretty sure c:
Honestly, I feel a lot better after reading that. I can't actually see myself trusting a man ever again, but even when I put aside my fears, I've come to realize that if I can feel this happy just thinking about being in a relationship with a girl, I probably wasn't all that into men in the first place. I never used to have the same warm, loving feeling before, and I'd always hesitate to go further in a relationship. It never really felt quite right even from the start.
I don't think so. I mean, I can understand how abuse of any kind can cause a distrust in guys, but I don't think It's strong enough to change orientation. Someone close to me was abused by men for a long time, but she's still straight. So no, I don't think it invalidates your feelings. If you do only like girls because of bad experiences with men though I'll second what simple thoughts said it still wouldn't be necessarily wrong for you to want to be with women for this reason, but it is good to keep in mind that women can be abusive and evil too if that is the case.
