I don't know who I am anymore

Hello,

I never thought I'd make an account on this site, but I need to tell my story.
I am a 17 year old male, born in the Netherlands (sorry if my English is a little bad). As far as I can tell, I'm straight but I need someone else with experience to observe it as well.

First i'll tell the reason for this. People have always kind of called me gay, but always people who didn't knew me well. I thought "let them talk, I'm not gay, I'm interested in girls". However, it did make me think bad of myself. Especially in October 2013, when someone sent me a message for fun with his friends, as if he was gay and was in love with me. I told him this: "Haha, nice joke, but we both know we're straight". Then he said "you obviously are attracted to guys". That upset me. The first thing I thought was: "but I have never fallen in love with any guy? I am not attracted to a mans body/penis? I never watch gay porn but I do watch straight porn and masturbate to it?" So about two weeks later I became very insecure. I thought for a moment "WTF have I been living a lie all the time?". And the months after that I suddenly got these very strange thought that popped up in my head: literally every guy with whom I was made me think I wanted to kiss him. KISS HIM. WTFWTF. Every time I thought that I had a huge turn off, like I had to vomit, and I think that for others it looked like I was having some spasm or something like that. All right so that went on for about three months and it was very exhausting and I wanted it to go away and just lead my own life like it was before and be happy and carefree. All the time I thought "I don't want to be gay!" (no offence for all people who enjoy homosexuality) "My dreams were to marry the most beautiful woman in the world, and get kids and be a good father."
As far as my previous relationships are concerned: I have had crushes for like 10 girls in my life so far and 3 pretty serious ones. One of them was this summer with this very beautiful girl. All holiday long I couldn't think of anything else than her.
Now let's talk about some other things. When I was young I always hung out with guys, never with girls (I'll be honest). When I discovered masturbating I always did it with my 2 year younger brother, but it was just for fun I think. We didn't touch each other. We did that until like my 9/10th birhtday. Also in that time (also for fun) we found it fun to lick each others tongue. However that became gross after that age. When I turned 13 I saw that all girls developed breasts and they became like a magnet for my eyes. At home I frequently masturbated thinking about it, and it was the same time that I fell in love with this girl.
To me the straight-sex thing was really connected to love. When I think about another man touching me I have the feeling that I am being raped or something and that I want to run away immediately.
I see why others tended to call me gay. I never dare to date a girl/tell a girl I like her because of fear of rejection. Also I have never kissed a girl yet (is that strange?). I really want to but just don't dare to (afraid of what the girl/others will think). I think that when I kiss a girl everyone will suddenly turn his/her attention to me and I don't like that. Or that everyone will ask me "but you were gay?". I feel like my position in school doesn't allow me to be my true self.

Please, somebody, help me out. I have read about this thing called HOCD but I don't really know if it's true. However I keep testing every time I think I could be gay. The straight porn always wins. Has somebody got good advice to get me out of this negative attitude? I want to be happy again and don't worry anymore :help:

 

- I think it because others constantly say it and it puts me down.
- I therefor became quite homophobic just to minimalize the others possible thoughts that I might be gay. I read the biggest homophobic people are gay themselves and that scared me.
- I have never kissed a girl and think that that makes me gay
- I don't think it's normal to constantly say to yourself that you are not gay
- I play the piano and read somewhere that most pianists are gay
- When I were in love this summer I didn't get an erection while holding hands with my gf. We didn't have sex thought nor even kissed so I don't think that one counts. I do get erections from lesbian/straight porn though.
- I am not very "cool". I think I'm less than other people who usually get the girls. I'm afraid that people who are straight automatically get the girls and people with whom it doesn't go automatically, are gay.

When I have something more I'll post it straight (lol) away.
Please take my case very seriously. Am I just overthinking everything?
Yesterday I thought like "what does it matter if I'm gay". "Maybe I am". But today all the sorrows started all over again. I really don't see myself having sex with a guy, it scares me.

 

Thank you, that was relieving *sighs*

 

I'd rather not do that That would be even more weird and would it make more awkward Btw I have one friend who I seriously think he is gay cause he always tries to sit next to me which I find reallly awkward. Should I just don't take it seriously and if he get's too close tell him to back off? I find it not very comfortable when a guy is sitting very close to me.

---------- Post added 13th Feb 2014 at 08:57 PM ----------

I just don't want to give wrong signals to people (I don't want to let him think that I'm interested or something)

---------- Post added 13th Feb 2014 at 09:02 PM ----------

But maybe it's actually pretty funny indeed Nothing will change my sexual orientation right? So I can just be a little more lose and take everything less seriously

 

Thanks everyone! Since yesterday I tried to be more lose etc. I found that people actually like me better if I'm that way . And I do not worry I am gay anymore, I'm pretty sure I like women better (at least in a sexual way). Stepping to a girl and telling I like her is still a challenge for me lol. Still I feel a bit ashamed for the fact that I haven't kissed one yet... But I feel happy again! I think I just haven't found the right girl so far. But now that I know for sure that I don't need to care about what others say anymore, I am much happier! :icon_bigg

 

Wow, again, I am so happy, I haven't been like this before. I also am much more attracted to females, like never before! Again, thank you all so much! I can't thank you enough

 

Quick update: involuntary thoughts slowly start to fade away And I enjoy everything that I do!

 

Hi,

It has been a week ago since my last post.
I know that I am not gay, but still I have got the feeling that others constantly think that I am gay... It really bugs me, and I can't do anything about it. I can't just post on facebook: Yo, to make it clear for everyone, I am NOT gay. I think they will only make it worse and say that I am in denial or something. What is your advice? Still, do you really think that I am not gay? I have got this feeling that I like to be with my friends but I am really scared that they will step to me, think I am gay, and touch me or something. Any advice to not get so paranoid?

 

Okay, I will mention some more things why I think I could be gay. I had to think really hard for these points.

- I think other guys look good and I like to look just like them
- I think some guys are kind of cute, let's say, I understand why women would fall for them
- Other guys just seem different in approaching a girl. My approach is usually really shy and I expect them to make the first step. I really don't know how I would do it myself but I would like to... I am mostly submissive to women, if that's the right word. However, I DO agree with all guys and all twitter accounts that girls are sexy. I think it feels good to masturbate to women. Also when I am in my bed and I think of that one girl lying next to me I am really satisfied.

WAIT NOW I KNOW

I am afraid that others think that I am gay!
I really don't have any feelings for naked men but it's just the people around me who I am afraid of! I am afraid that other people see me as a different person than I am, and put a wrong lable on me just because I have never stepped towards a girl. Could this be the reason? It seems to make a lot of sense.

Let me tell you something more about my time in high-school:

When I entered it (when I was 13) I really wasn't afraid of other people's opinion about me, because I knew everyone accepted me for the person I am. In the first grade I fell in love with this one girl. However, everyone thought that I was in love with another girl. I actually didn't have feelings towards her at all, so when others asked me if I liked her I answered with a big NO. I didn't dare to say that I was in love with this other girl because I didn't dare to. When a friend asked me who I thought that was the nicest girl in the class I very carefully answered her name, however I felt kind of ashamed. I really don't know why actually. (is there something like needing to come out of the closet as straight in stead of gay?). But with the first girl, let's get back to her, so maybe others have misinterpreted my answer, as if I was gay.
Then last summer I fell in love with another girl who became my girlfriend for a month. I was so happy, I couldn't believe it. Especially the fact that I could tell others that I had a girlfriend made me happy. I enjoyed the fact that I could say to myself and to others: "I am not gay". After the summer holiday my girlfriend broke up with me, and I felt like the same loser that I was before. I felt again like I didn't mean anything to anybody.

All the gay questioning shit and all the overthinking started October last year when others asked me if I were gay. I then started to think that EVERYONE thought that I were gay (maybe it wasn't even there).