I came out at 16 to my brother as lesbian. I don't like the word lesbian, the negative connotation it has where I live just makes me cringe at the thought. I'm attracted to guys in a way that I watch them and think yea he's cute/good body automatically my next thought is "I wish I was hot/cute or had a body like him." Now don't get me wrong I love my feminine parts and all that comes with it curves, bust everything. When i'm attracted to a girl it's different I get butterflies, i'm at a lost for words, I can't stop smiling like a silly, horny teenager. Now since then I have been with a couple girls and...a couple guys. I have more emphasis on the girl relationships though. The last girl I was with I told her i'm 90% and we had this joke going where she would point at a random guy and say "that's your 10% right there" Honestly, i'm confused at this point. I'm actually in therapy and so far I can't help but think my therapist is trying to turn me straight, suggesting my sexuality has to do with my relationship with my father, my low self-esteem and my childhood. I just asked myself if there was a guy and a girl in front of me, both interested, both ready to do whatever, who would I choose? If I choose the guy I would probably just hook up with him and kick him out of bed after but if I chose the girl I would want to hook up with her but I would want more, I would want to "cuddle" and talk and all that romantic ish that I am not proud to admit. Another question I ask myself is if where I live was LGBT friendly and everyone around me was supportive would I come out? Yes The last 3 years I have been single and haven't hooked up with anyone. It's more of a cleansing from all the toxic relationships I have been in and to figure out who I am and what I want. I just find women more interesting and attractive but I know that if I did find a guy that was equally interesting and attractive, I may consider it if i'm single. So what do I do?
Sounds like it might be time to find a new therapist - one that is LGBT friendly. Are they any support groups nearby? Also no need to label yourself - don't use lesbian if you don't like it! There are so many words now to describe yourself. Pick one you like or none at all. It sounds like you already know what you want and what you're interested in so don't worry too much about the details. When you meet someone that's right you'll know it and no need to get too hung up before hand!
I'm actually probably exactly the same as you. I consider myself gay but it's probably 90%, because I have been with girls before. And currently there' some girl that just makes my heart ache some times because I like her, and I know she likes me, but I know that deep down I can't be 100% with her because 90% of me likes men. Maybe I'm just over thinking things, but I also push women out of the bed (figuratively speaking) after we're done, but I love to cuddle and talk to men. Maybe consider going to college in a different state for one? One that's more gay friendly and accepting. The living conditions can make or break you. I think your problem wouldn't really be an issue if you can be free to express yourself and be who you are. I live in rio rancho nm, but 20 minutes outside of the city is Albuquerque, which has a (almost non existent, disorganized) gay community, but there are plenty of homosexuals around to meet and talk to, and it's supportive enough that the word "lesbian" is a beautiful word, not one to cringe at. I think for your boy/girl issue is simple. While you're still thinking about the short term, use that 10% - date around with guys, have fun, make friends, but it's just a great time, not too serious and not long term. When you're ready to be more serious you can focus on the 90% and look for your partner for a serious, longer lasting relationship. Although this one should still be fun, it should also be more serious, with the thoughts of maybe even marriage (way) further down the line. I've dated more girls then guys. I have legit feelings for the 10%, but I'm at that point in my life where it's not just for fun anymore, but I'm looking for something serious, so I've only been dating men. I consider myself gay because while the 10% matters (a lot) to me, the 90% is what I life for, is who I am. Anyway, I hope this some how helps you. Good luck with no matter what you do. You sounds like a strong, smart woman. Honestly I think you probably already know the best course of action for yourself, you just haven't realized it yet! But no matter what you do, just make sure you're happy.
This is me as well. dude it's like you type almost exactly what i wanted to say but couldn't put in words. Some women just really make me feel amazing while others that may be really attractive to others aren't to me. Anyways. I say being bisexual doesn't mean you like both sexes evenly. It's like a percentage i would say im 80% attracted to men and 20% to women but it doesn't i have to be with a man. I think you should just go with your feelings Laura. You don't have to be evenly attracted to both. One day you may want a guy, the next a girl and thats fine.
Thanks to everyone who replied. Thanks for being supportive and understanding. The more I think about it though the more I keep seeing myself with a woman. I think i'm just scared because when I first tried to come out to my mother it didn't work out so well and I don't really have a support system around here. My best friend is bi but constantly tells me I just need to find the "right guy". I just want to be free to be me and comfortable enough to express what I feel without judgement or prejudice.
