I've posted here probably a dozen times at various stages of my lack of self-understanding. I've been in a hetero relationship for about 2 years, but I've known I've liked girls for a long time. Probably since I was in 6th grade or so, even though I denied it until I was about 19 years old. I'm not happy with my current relationship. My boyfriend and I live together. I love my boyfriend but I don't desire sex. We had sex all the time at first, but I was always imagining sex with girls while it was happening in order to stay aroused. I felt guilty and tried just being "in the moment" but it has never worked. In the past 6 months though, we might have had sex 5 times. I love sleeping in bed with him and being near him every night but I don't even want to cuddle anymore. I hate feeling his *ahem* package up against me. I'm always pulling back when he leans in for a kiss and I don't want to touch him when he asks me to. I've identified as bi to anyone who asked for 2 years now, and I came out to my boyfriend a while back. I was so happy and relieved...for a while. But now I feel as if it isn't enough. I'm not sure if it's just because I'm bi but my currently relationship isn't working or because I want to date women exclusively. A year ago, my boyfriend said it was okay to experiment with a girl just to try it. And I did. And it was rushed, and a blur, and I wasn't satisfied afterward. So, without informing him, I went behind his back and hooked up the same girl a second time. And weeks later a third time, and more times after that. Whenever we were out at the same bars, we were usually making out on the dance floor. It was a purely a sexual thing and not romantic. I love the way she smells though, and every time I smell something similar to her scent in real life, I get turned on. I'm always checking out girls, hoping all the potential lesbians come to my line at work, and wishing I had more gay friends. I kind of just want to be gay. But I feel like my sexuality is more complicated than that. And my relationship with my boyfriend is more complicated than that. I love him dearly, and he's attached to me. I think maybe we're a bit codependent. I'm not happy these days. I want to see a therapist but I don't even know where to begin. I'm a very emotional person and a very indecisive person as well. I've been dealing with sexual confusion for so long now that I feel utterly hopeless. I feel like all of my options have uncomfortable consequences, so I choose to do nothing. And that nothing turns into a mounting depression that I don't want to deal with anymore. I can recognize attractive guys, but I'm not really that into them. There is one guy that got away a few years ago, whom I'm still in very very infrequent contact with. I'm not sure what it is that I've always liked about him. I guess maybe that he's mysterious. But I find most dudes to be creepy and awkward if they attempt to flirt with me. Can there be exceptions to gayness? I don't understand my sexuality at all anymore. I question each and every one of my thoughts these days. I feel like I could rewrite every sentence in this absurdly long post and write the exact opposite of what I originally said. I really just want to give up. Has anyone else felt this hopeless before? I don't have anyone I can talk to. ---------- Post added 15th Feb 2014 at 11:09 PM ---------- I feel like I should add that I knew my boyfriend in high school (we went to separate high schools but saw each other once a week through extracurriculars). I ended up going to the same college as him. I had a crush on him in high school that seemed to carry into college. I was infatuated with him when we started dating. But I never enjoyed sex. And I've been thinking about breaking it off for several months now. But I am too attached. These sentences are really choppy, I'm sorry. I'm just feeling tired and sad and stream-of-consciousness crap is literally just spilling into this text box.
Sounds like the longest 2 years of your life huh? I'm sorry you're going through this. I know that you said that you are very emotional and attached to him, but it seems to me like the best choice is to break it off with him. I mean, you seem to really care about him. But if you don't wanna be with him, then you're hurting him as much as you are hurting yourself. If you break it off now, yes he will be hurt. But after some time passes, he will be able to find someone who will be able to give themselves completely to him and love him unconditionally. Not to mention you will be able to, after some time, start your own relationship with a woman. I know that it will be hard to let go of him, but the more you prolong it, the more you are hurting both your bf and yourself. Time heals. You will both be ok with time. I suggest that you follow your heart. It will never lead you wrong.
You can be gay and have exceptions. You can also be gay but just fall in love with someone of the opposite sex. It kind of sounds like you're not sexually attracted to him (at least, not anymore?), which makes me think, yeah, maybe you are gay, or maybe you're bisexual but more sexually attracted/sexually compatible with women? It's something for you to figure out, but I will say this: it doesn't sound like you're happy, and if you're not happy with someone, you shouldn't be with them.
Absolutely. The longer you stay with someone you are unhappy with, the harder its gonna be to let go. You're only getting him more attached. And hurting yourself in the process as well as him.
Hey life suck huh and unfortunately to some problems there are no perfect answers that do not have negative consequences. Even if you were attracted to other men your current relationship isn't healthy and I think you should end it. I realise that is easier said than done and if I was in your position I too would put it off as long as possible. The thing is that staying in it isn't fair for either of you and staying in it will only make things worse. Before you worry about girls and other relationships you need to explain to your boyfriend how you feel and take that step. Hopefully he will be understanding and it may be that you can both still be friends. It may be that he feels that it isn't working either and doesn't know how to tell you.
Thanks for the advice everyone. I've been advised to break up with him many times, even by my own mentor IRL because of communication problems we have. As my mentor (who doesn't know about my feelings for women bc he's an elderly person who might get confused) put it, we are both great "escape artists" because we ignore the problems in our relationship. But I'm pretty much all he has right now besides his hourly job and a friend or two. He gets worried if I start a sentence in a way that sounds like I want to break up and then hugs me and offers to do anything for me. And we live together. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking I'm not bi/gay at all, and that maybe it's some kind of Freudian manifestation of how messed up I am mentally. The guy who I mentioned could be an "exception" to my sexuality lives in Korea, so I'm not even considering looking him up or anything. I need to break up and move out so we can both heal but I just don't know how
Don't worry, you'll figure it out. I agree with the others though. You have to break it off, otherwise, its gonna be worse for both of you in the long run. And even if he gets awkward, you have to go through with it. He has to be given the opportunity to be able to find true love as much as you. It's gonna hurt, but not forever. You'll both be ok with time
It sounds similar to the situation I was in a couple of months ago. It may seem hard but I think you would feel better if you broke up with him. You would probably feel a bit shit right after it, but it's such a relief later on. I loved my boyfriend and I became ill for a week when I was trying to decide if I should break up or not, but I'm not regretting it at all now. It sucks hurting someone you love but it was for the best, and he'll get over it. We're still friends and hang out now and then, and I feel so much better now. It was one of the hardest but most necessary decicions I've made it quite some time and I really don't regret it for one second. You should do what you think is best for you, but it seems like what you actually want is a girlfriend and I really think it would be the best for the both of you to break up. It's tough, it's hard, it's painful, but life moves on. I hope it works out for you, whatever you decide to do. These situations really sucks.
It kinda seems like in your own mind, in some way, you've broken up with him already. Like theres this part of you that isnt into the relationship anymore because (maybe) your heart is somewhere else. Not that there is another person in your life, but you know this just isnt right for you. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. *hugs*
I have been struggling with the idea of breaking up for months now. It's sort of like I have already let go but I'm still stuck in the routine. I go through cycles of inner turmoil about it. They come and they go. Sometimes it seems like I was just being silly, and that I can just put our problems behind me and go back to normal. But eventually I feel unhappy again. Thanks for your support. What did you tell your boyfriend? That things just weren't working out? Or did you tell him about your need to explore your sexuality? I am so confused and I don't know how I'll find the words to express to my boyfriend what I've been going through. I already told him that I was bi a long time ago. I felt that way at the time, so I don't regret it, but I don't know where to go from here. "Here" is not necessary lesbian, "here" is just lost. My bf never had a problem with me liking girls, but I'm going to be so embarrassed and guilty for the way I've acted when he starts making sense of everything. I've been pulling away from him for so long now and I think it might even make him angry to know I've been hiding my feelings from him. There are other problems in our relationship besides just my sexuality. I wish I could just leave my sexuality out of it.
