I am a woman. I have kissed a guy once before (four years ago) I didn't like him but I had never kissed anyone before and I wanted to see what it was like. I didn't like it, but then I wasn't attracted to the guy anyway so this doesn't really tell me anything. I also had a crush on a guy six years ago. I think I did like this guy, but it was so long ago, I was young and nothing happened between us. I have just come out of a four year on again off again relationship with a woman. I loved this woman (call her S) so much. In a lot of ways it wasn't a good relationship however our love and care for each other was very strong. I have briefly been with another woman during one of the times that S and I were not together during the four years. It felt nice but I was still so in love with S that I didn't feel it was right for me to be with someone else when I hadn't really moved on. Also during one of the times S and I weren't together I had a crush on another woman (who is straight). A guy who I know likes me asked to hang out in the evening with me on valentines day. Last I heard he was seeing someone else so I'm not sure if he thought of it as a date or not. we spent the evening together and I tried to find within myself if I like him or not or if I could possibly be with a guy. I like his face and he has a nice body, he is funny and kind. I watched him as he walked away and was conscious of what I was feeling. I like him, but I don't feel the urge to hug him for longer that usual. I really care about him and think he is a great guy. I don't find myself trying to stop myself looking at him, rather I had to remember to look at him when my mind was really on the conversation with the other people who were at the table at the pub we were at. When he was walking away I looked at the shape of his body and I didn't feel anything towards it. I don't want to be lesbian! It kind of scares me that I do want to hug women for longer than necessary, I do have to stop myself looking at them for fear that they will notice and when they walk away, I do check them out and I do feel attracted. I feel like this is a bit sick. I don't want to be a lesbian. Even being bisexual might be better as maybe then I could just choose go out with guys and I would be accepted as normal. I would be valued by my parents, my grandparents and society. I wouldn't fell wrong or second class. I would be proud of who I was and wouldn't be scared of others finding out who I really am and feeling weird around me or rejecting me. I would feel like I fit in with my friends and at work. I don't want to be the odd one out. I look very femme and am always assumed to be straight. I like long hair and dresses. I sometimes wear make up. I also like wearing old shorts and t-shirt and sliding in the mud, rock climbing and running on the beach in a storm. Sometimes even though I love being a woman I wonder what it would be like to be a guy. Then I could date women and it would be normal. Ramble ramble ramble. So am I straight, bi or lesbian? what do you reckon? do you think there is any hope for me of fitting in with normal? If not and I am only going to be happy if I accept that I am lesbian. How the heck do I do this? Any practical steps anyone? If I'm bi then should I just go for it with the guy from valentines day (if he is single) and hope that it will be ok and that I don't just try things out then leave because it doesn't feel right? Because he is a nice guy and I would hate to hurt his feelings by leading him on for nothing. Thanks so much for your time in answering.
There's nothing sick about looking at women and feeling attracted to them! It sounds to me like you really don't have any desire to date men, just a desire to fit in better with society which sounds like a very bad reason to date men. Other people can give you much better advice about self-acceptance than I can but those are my thoughts.
Thank you for you reply. I get worried sometimes that straight women might feel weird if they catch me checking them out, so I try to realise when I am and look away. I do want to fit in. Maybe I need to find some more friends who are queer. Thanks once again
I think it would be a bad idea to date men if you feel your heart isn't into it and are only doing it to fit in. It's not just the matter of hurting him, but you may end up regretting it yourself if you realize that it isn't what you truly like. Don't feel guilty about your sexuality. If you're just starting to realize it and come out, it takes progress to accept it. It took me 9 years to accept mine, and I'm still not fully there yet, but the right support helps heaps.
Thanks for your message Fallingdown7, it helps so much to be able to talk with people who have had similar experiences. How did you know for sure that your sexual orientation is lesbian? when and how did you come to the point where you knew?
You've nothing to feel sick about. Anyone who doesn't accept you, they're the sick ones. How can anyone ever treat someone badly or look down upon someone when they're not hurting anyone? It's illogical and that's THEIR problem. Their stupidity should not determine how you feel about yourself. You're you, love yourself, you deserve to be happy. Not dating guys or not dating anyone just so you fit in. I'm unattractive. Ugly, even. And I used to feel very self-conscious about it. But then I decided, no, that's not going to continue. Why should I have to feel bad about something that is naturally who I am? I'm not hurting anyone, and I'm not going to physically change how I look just so other people react better. Screw them. So it's kind of like that, you have to start the process of realising, this is NOT sick, you are not sick. You're just a woman who happens to be attracted to women. And in the grand scheme of things, that's really such a trivial thing, it's one aspect of your entirety.
You should never feel ashamed of your sexuality, you deserve to be happy with whoever you love. I don't think there's anything sick about it. And you shouldn't try to change your sexuality because in the long run it only kind of makes you miserable. I've been there before, but you shouldn't date men if your heart isn't into it. Love is love, how other people react isn't important. You just kind of have to learn to accept your sexuality... Normal is boring anyways. Screw society im terrible at advice, but thats what i think.. sorry, im not great with words
