Things are confusing.

I had another post but it was much too long and wordy though this one is too. But it's pretty different from the other one so I asked an admin if it was OK to put up another.

Since high school I have wondered if I was really 100% straight even though I didn't seem to have the same feelings for women that I did for guys. And maybe I am straight? I do remember my first crush on a guy, and I remember falling in love with men and with my ex-husband.

After I my divorce I thought it would be a good idea to try to explore these feelings of not being straight, so (on my therapist's advice) I went to groups at the Gay and Lesbian center in my city. But when I went to the center I kept being scared that I was a fake imposter that didn't belong there.

Eventually I got involved with a man online and figured, well, I'm straight, or maybe "bisexual but I'll never do anything about it" and I'm glad I didn't lead anybody on. I discovered I liked female/female porn and sexy pictures of women but I know that doesn't mean that much.

But right now things are weird. I've had depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder ever since I can remember but lately my life has changed for the better and I have more self-esteem and I'm not questioning myself constantly like I used to. And for some reason I'm suddenly convinced I'm not straight and I was just in denial all those years. Which doesn't make much sense because I had ample opportunities to come out if I wanted to. And nothing has happened, like meeting a woman or anything. (I do have sort of a crush on a woman but it's more a friend-crush and I've known her for years.)

I did think about HOCD, since I have OCD, but I looked it up and it didn't describe me. If anything I feel like the feelings of being an imposter were the compulsive ones. So now I'm all excited and want to go back to the Gay and Lesbian center. (I don't mean to sound like I'm taking this lightly, but that's how I feel right now: excited.)

But maybe it's all nothing.

 

Thank you so much for reading. That does help, especially knowing that other people have felt those feelings of being an imposter.

 

I'm sorry if that's not a good term to use. This is someone I know online, and I love her and I'd love to know her in real life too and hang around with her, and sometimes I get a little jealous of people who do get to hang around with her. But I never thought I'd like to be her real girlfriend or sleep with her. I couldn't even picture it. So that's the friend crush part.

And for a long time I said to myself "You know you're straight because if you weren't you'd have a crush on C., she's everything you like in a person." But that's kind of stupid, just because I like women doesn't mean I have to like a particular woman. And the other thing is... lately when I picture being her girlfriend it actually seems kind of awesome. I'm trying not to think about it too much because it's impossible that it would ever happen and the last thing I need to do is convince myself I'm in love with her. But things just somehow changed, with her and with the issue in general.

I don't even know why this is happening. Why would I suddenly admit to myself I'm not straight after literally thirty years of "I don't know, maybe"? It's not like I didn't have many opportunities to come out, and people online and even my late father knew that I was questioning so I wasn't going to shock everybody. But... suddenly things are different. It's exciting but a little scary too.

 

Oh, no, I didn't think you were being rude at all.

If she got a girlfriend I would be jealous. I'd be sort of glad for once that she lives far away so I wouldn't have to meet her girlfriend. I'd probably cry a little because I'd feel like I was losing her. I mean, I wouldn't tell her any of that of course, I'd just tell her I was happy for her! And I would try to be happy for her, because it would be wrong not to. But that's how I would feel inside.

I remember a couple of times in my life wanting a close female friend but being afraid if I got one I'd get attracted to her. But I just told myself that they were weird thoughts that everybody has. And they did seem to mostly be passing thoughts, at the time.

 

What's weird right now is that things are coming into my head very quickly.

I was thinking I was bisexual -- I've definitely crushed and fallen in love with men with "butterflies" and the whole bit, was happy in a hetero marriage for quite a while, and there are still male celebrities I crush on and fantasize about.

But I started to remember my sex life, which has all been with men and was never good. I loved cuddling and making out, and did get turned on, and I sometimes liked foreplay but I didn't come anywhere near climax from any of it. And the most I ever got from intercourse was "OK I guess I kind of sort of see why people like this."

Of course it's not the first time it's occurred to me that maybe the problem is I just don't go for men. But I always told myself "No, don't be silly, if everyone with a lousy sex life were gay there would be way more gay people in the world than there are." And maybe I am being silly since I only just realized I wasn't straight, but it still makes me think.

My friend says I'm way too "introspective" not to realize it long ago if I were a lesbian (rather than bi). And I know I don't really need a label, and I certainly don't need one this quickly. But sometimes I'd like to have a label.

But anyway, I do think you're right -- I never attended the Gay and Lesbian center groups long enough to get comfortable. I don't think the problem was that I really am an imposter. I think I was really, really scared of admitting to myself that I did belong there.

Thank you so much for the support.