So i'm nineteen, and I began to realize I might not be straight around fifth grade. In truth I never actually felt/considered myself straight, and I've concretely considered myself gay since middle school. I did struggle to come to terms with the fact, but I never actually wondered whether I was straight or not. It just always felt right for me to be interested in girls, and the idea of dating guys felt strange/unnatural. I dated two guys in middle school and high school, and never felt anything for them. When I was with them I felt uninterested in doing anything physically, and when we did I felt nothing/physically detached/like I didn't know how to respond to them. On the other hand, I've met countless girls that I've had a strong interest in dating/being with. I've been with one girl briefly and enjoyed it/wanted it. My problem is, lately I've been doubting whether I might just be gay because I somehow began to think of myself that way when I was young, or because of hang-ups that I have. As in, something about relationships/gender- a discomfort/lack of desire for sex maybe- caused me to dislike the idea of dating men and subconsciously accept the idea of dating women as an alternative. I think this might be a possible way for homosexuality to develop, and I don't even think there's a problem if I've somehow ended up gay due to these reasons. But what I'm starting to wonder now is whether it would be possible for me to "become straight", if you will. If considering myself gay since such a young age has interfered with my potential to have straight relationships. The thing is, I am mentally interested in sex with women, and emotionally I believe I can only feel intimacy/love towards women (thus far). However, I've never been sexually attracted to anyone physically, of either gender... (As in, I have no actual sexual response to them/don't get turned on). Granted, I haven't really been with many women, and the one encounter I did have was brief, so I'm not sure if things might change once I've had more experience. Also, I've never wanted to have sex with a man. But maybe if I tried it I would get used to it? When I say something like that last sentence to myself it sounds strange. Should I try something I don't want to do just to get used to it? Anyway, I'm not sure if this is very easy to follow, I guess I'm just feeling the pressure to make sure that there's no possible way I'm straight... I've never felt like it's wrong to be gay, but internally I feel a pressure to make sure that I'm definitely not straight so as to not make a fool of myself/prove all of the people who say it's a choice right. Part of me says that there should be no reason to question this, question whether I could force myself to find men viable as romantic partners if I'm happy with women. But I still am. I guess I'm just wondering if it's reasonable for me to be questioning all of this so late, and whether it's healthy/worth it to do some soul searching about this issue... As someone who's never actually questioned their sexuality, its a little disconcerting to be having these doubts.
