I've always thought I was straight. Like, always. I had a crush on a boy for the first time when I was 6 years old, and then again when I was 11. But then, about two years ago (I was 14 then) I realized I had started to have feelings for a girl I went to school with. I didn't really think much of it then, though. I kind of toyed with the idea of being bi, but I pretty much forgot about it until about a year later when I realized I had a crush on that same girl again. That's the first time I ever even contemplated the idea of not being straight, and that was about a year ago. Suddenly I kind of realized that all of my celebrity crushes are girls and women, and that the idea of kissing girls is actually really pleasant to me. I've never kissed anyone, never had a relationship with anyone, and I always kind of thought that boys just didn't like me because I was ugly or not a girly-girl or whatever. Then I realized that I've only really had feelings for two boys my whole life, and those feelings went away quickly. Now I keep crushing over almost every girl I meet. But the thing is I'm not even sure if it's a crush really or if I just kind of appreciate the fact that she's pretty or funny or whatever? Like how will I know for sure? At the same time, I can and cannot see myself being in a relationship with a girl, but the same goes for guys. I can kinda imagine myself being with a guy, but I'm a bit repulsed by the idea of having sex with one. Idk if that's weird? I find a lot of guys attractive, yeah, and I kind of feel attracted to some of them, but I don't feel as comfortable with them as I do with girls. It might also be because I've never really had any guy friends, though. I feel much more comfortable with girls, I feel like I know how to talk to them, like they understand me, and idk if it's weird to think like this, but I feel like I'm safer with girls than with guys. Does that make any sense? I mean, with guys I kind of always have this nagging feeling that at some point they're going to hurt me or they're going to disrespect me or not think about how I feel or whatever. I never have that feeling when I'm with girls. I was raised in a pretty homophobic environment, so idk if that could be a reason why I might be subconsciously suppressing my feelings for girls? My dad used to tell us about how wrong being gay is and how gay people should never be able to get married or have kids etc. And for a short while I believed him and kind of adopted his ideas, until I started thinking for myself when I was about 12 and realized he's an idiot. But idk if I would consider myself a lesbian, it just seems kind of foreign to me because I'm not completely opposed to the idea of being with men. Whenever I see a girl or a woman I don't feel attracted to, I kind of blame myself for it, idk why? Like "duh, you don't feel attracted to her so you're obviously straight and also you're an idiot." It's probably stupid to think like this, but I can't help it. I know I'm young and I've still got time to figure it out and yaddayadda but I'm getting frustrated. I just want to find someone and finally know for sure, but it just seems like it's not going to happen.
I do that too! I thought I was the only one! Or I'll see a guy and say "See, you just thought that guy was hot, you can't possibly like women" even though a) that doesn't really mean anything and b) I could like both. I don't blame you for wanting to know for sure. I mean, yes you are young and it may take a while before you are sure but still... I can totally understand that feeling. And I think absolutely living with that kind of homophobia could affect your thinking, even if you reject it now.
Well, I think you should go with your feelings., where ever they may take you. I recently found a great web series called Out with Dad. I highly recommend that LGBTQ teens check it out. There is hope!! It gets better!!
Ahh, that's exactly what I mean! It's a relief to know that I'm not the only one who's felt like this. Thank you so much! And I should check that out when I have time.
