After months of questioning, I feel like I have finally reached somewhat of a conclusion based on my sexuality, but despite all that, I'm still quite unsure. It started all in 8th grade. I never had a crush on a boy or girl before I reached the very end of 8th grade. To be quite blunt, I didn't even question the existence of a boob until 7th grade when most of the girls started getting some and I had to be forced into a training bra. Looking back I actually never looked at guys in the ways that the other girls did and was utterly disgusted to the point of crying when another boy in the class started to pick on me for being good friends with a boy, my one very good friend at the time. Then again, the concept of cooties was a real threat back then, especially in 2nd grade. It's funny, looking back, because I would purposefully try and do the most boyish things and avoid most of the girly toys just to prove to myself that I wasn't what my sex had envisioned of me, and to even impress some girls while I was at it. Years passed and I finally found myself checking out one of my friends who sat next to me during art class, with good reason too. He was tall, graceful, very polite and intelligent with highly effeminate features; in other words, gorgeous. But this crush only lasted one week and after spending more time with him, something just didn't feel right. For some reason it just felt wrong to have a crush on him and so I gave up the chase. Just like that. A year later, I met up with a lovely girl who would then become my best friend but then decay to just "Somebody That I Used to Know" . At the end of 9th grade I began to harbor a crush on her, nothing big at the time, I would only just feel jealousy towards her friends for spending more time with her than me (haha). But that small crush grew into a horrible black hole of infatuation where for two years I would be emotionally imprisoned, quite literally. For pure amusement and attention(who knows if she was aware of it or not), this girl let me not only get close to her, but hold her hand and treat her as if we were dating to the point that she would be walking me on a leash during Halloween while allowing me to kiss her for only that one day, so that her fantasies of these two characters we were dressed up as could come true( cue Bon Jovi's "You give love a bad name"). It was THAT bad. And as usual, I was dragged along, trying very hard to move on, but yet still harboring feelings for my best friend. She wouldn't let me leave and my heart was stepped on more times than I could remember. During those two years I dating this one boy, again a highly feminine boy , this time with a soft gentle voice and a puppy dog like complex. I dated him out of sheer need to feel loved somehow (because I was being silly and not moving on from that girl). Kissing him was like kissing an Alpaca, it was pretty gross and I'd have moments where I didn't want to keep on enduring those alpaca lips. He even cheated on me more than once, but I didn't really care because I didn't have an a strong emotional attachment to him. I dumped him eventually, and realized more so that I was still sort of grossed out by boys in that sense ( still had that "wrong" feeling going on). But thank goodness that phase was over and I stopped liking that one girl. I was still emotionally exhausted and depressed, but it was over, thanks to my other friend ( now my gorgeous girlfriend) who pointed out what had happened that Halloween was strictly just /wrong/ and who stood by me when by "best friend" was flaunting her drama On how what happened on Halloween was my fault. Eventually, I fell in love with the friend that helped me out, and when I saw that she had a crush on me, we began to date officially and have been together for 3 months and a half. My "best friend" could no longer use me for attention so she left. Ironically despite all this, I still deny that I'm a lesbian simply because I'm not 100% sure. Keep in mind that I've had at least 6 crushes on girls but only one true crush on a guy that lasted me a week. I feel completely natural dating girls, though my mind tends to reject the fact that we are both girls in a relationship if that makes any sense( I see myself as being more boyish in the relationship but I still identify as a girl. The word "lesbian" has always been some sort of taboo so maybe that's why I feel the way I do. ) I also have only been able to emotionally love girls (in a romantic sense), and I love my girlfriend more than anything else. <3 Do you think that I might be a lesbian? Can this just be a phase? What about something else? I'm sorry for the long post, but I'm relatively new to the concept and have a lot of questions to ask! thank you anyway!
It seems like you are just interested in girls. I'm not gonna call you a lesbian or bi or any labels. Honestly, if you feel comfortable being with girls and dating them, then you should just keep doing that. You don't have to let society put a label on you. Everyone is different. Some people live off of labels (they need to know exactly what or who they're dealing with at all times) while others don't really care about labels. It seems like you're very happy with your girlfriend I'm glad that she was able to help you during your tough times. If you want me to put a label on you (for curiosity's sake) I would say that, based on the information you wrote, its seems as though you are a lesbian. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that I hope this helps
Like the poster above said, don't worry about labels. It does sound to me that you could be a lesbian, or perhaps bi with a strong preference for women. I can relate to you a lot. I recently came out after trying to suppress my feelings for women and pretend I was straight...then asexual. I was confused for a while. But ever since I was young, I was a tomboy, always been into guy-ish things, and growing up I never had a crush on a boy, but had a few on girls. One was bad to the point my legs would shake around her. She was a very close friend of mine. She turned out to be lesbian but didn't come out until after she moved away. She turned into a "butch" and I'm more attracted to "feminine" girls, haha. I never liked the idea of being with a boy, since I kinda saw myself as a "boy-ish" girl. I'm not one for gender roles at all, but for some reason I find it's hard to be myself around most men, as in my experience they see my masculine side as a threat and try to suppress it. Not saying all are like that though. I feel more comfortable around girls, we can relate to each other more and not have to worry about roles. I dated two boys, one I broke up with after we met (we met online.) Kissing him made me feel awkward and I pulled away immediately. I didn't feel comfortable in a relationship with a guy, and he had a foot fetish that turned me off as well. Like dude stop touching my feet. I said no and that means no...it doesn't mean I'm playing with you and teasing you ugh. I then dated another boy years later, I was 19 and he had just turned 21. We were friends for a few months prior. I was bad...I only dated him to use him for alcohol, and then later drugs. He also took me out to eat a lot. This relationship got more intimate and I didn't like it at all...though I pretended to to make him feel happy and get him to continue feeding my drug and alcohol dependency. He often begged for sex and it made me miserable...I did not want to have sex with a guy. I would always turn it down and it ate away at him. He started to complain that I wasn't affectionate unless I was drugged on ecstasy...so he enjoyed feeding my drug habit because it made him feel like I loved him when in reality I didn't. I wanted to stop doing drugs because the emotional toll got to be too much from me not being attracted to him, but he begged for me to keep doing ecstasy. He tried to have sex with me when we were both a bit drunk. I went off to college, cleaned up my act, and broke up with him. He was a deadbeat anyways, living with his dad and never went to college after high school, played WoW all the time, and never moved on from fast food jobs. Four years later, he hasn't gone anywhere lol. Because I didn't want sex or like the idea of it (though I masturbated to relieve stress), I thought I was asexual for a few years. I pretended I didn't care, and focused on my career, and it wasn't until this year that I noticed how much I longed for a relationship while thinking of my future (since I'm graduating in April.) I got a huge crush on a female best friend of mine and it's driving me insane (she says she's "crookedly straight" and used to be bi but prefers men so it's hard to say anything to her.) I've also noticed I subconsciously try to impress other girls, not guys. I can see myself in my future loving a girl, not a guy. I love them more, I just do. I want to hold one in my arms, go everywhere and do everything with a girl, lay next to her, be close to her, make her feel good...and I just accepted that I was always a lesbian. I can love a guy as a friend, but nothing more. I feel awkward when a guy hits on me or has a crush on me, but when a girl does it, I feel flattered. I've finally accepted this is a small part of who I am, and I feel more free finally. I feel a lot happier about my future, though there will still be a bumpy road ahead. I finally feel like I can be loved and love someone else in return. SORRY ABOUT THE LONG WINDED RANT ABOUT MY LIFE, LOL. But this is why I think you should go with what makes you happier. If being with a girl does, then be with a girl. Don't worry about the label so much. Sexuality is very fluid, after all. There's nothing wrong with being a lesbian though. I used to think the same (taboo.) I was ashamed of it so I pretended it didn't exist. The people who think it's a problem ARE the problem, not you. Do what makes you happy
I think it's unlikely it's a phase and I would say it sounds to me like you are a lesbian, but only you can truly know how you feel. Plus you don't have to fuss over labels they are really there for other peoples benefit. So if you don't like the lesbian label then you don't have to use it.
I agree. You don't have to adopt a label. If you're attracted to girls and want to date them, go with it. Later, you might feel more comfortable with a particular label but that is personal and there is no rush.
Thank you so much for your support and answer . I agree with you saying that I don't need a label and that it would be more for the sake of curiosity or security/sense of identity. To be quite honest, I probably wouldn't care so much for a label if people didn't pressure me so much into getting one. More and more I hear questions like "So what sexuality are you?" and for someone who's still questioning, it can be somewhat embarrassing. Sometimes I feel like it's better to just tell them a label, even if I'm not sure yet, rather than saying I don't know. The most common response has to be "well okay...?" or even better "how can you not tell?" I've actually had someone come up to me and in a stern voice demand me to make up my mind. Really rude huh? Not to mention my parent's ignorance on homosexuality despite being open minded... It's just kind of a slight bother really. Thank you I feel a little bit better with myself now that you pointed it out. Have a nice day! ---------- Post added 18th Feb 2014 at 06:38 PM ---------- Thank you. Now that it's put into perspective, I feel much better about the whole thing for sure. ( I won't stress it as much, so I'm happy for that haha. XD) ---------- Post added 18th Feb 2014 at 06:43 PM ---------- I agree. It's probably a normal thing to fear the "phase" thing, Especially when dating someone. Like, I wonder if one day I'll wake up and be straight lol. XD My girlfriend's mother says that we are in a phase, But then again she calls our relationship "adult friendship" whatever that means. XD (lol) It's pretty funny to say actually.
I'm glad I could help. People can be quite annoying when they don't get a definite answer. And as you mentioned, they can be quite rude as well. I would not pay them much attention. The only ones who should matter are your true friends. They will support you and accept you for who you are
Not gonna lie, I definitely relate to you a lot in those regards And don't apologize for the life story, because quite honestly is was rather worth the read for sure- It's unfortunate what you had to go through though, But hopefully it got a lot better after that. I'm honestly just happy that I'm not the only one who is going through or went through this. It's comforting since I felt like the only person who hasn't really accepted that part of me yet or assumed a label. It's really reassuring to have kind people like you take time from their day to give people like me some support and advise. it's really cool. I hope you have a nice day!
I agree with the others when they say that there is no need to put a label on yourself My friends have tried to tell me the same thing as i am still questioning myself. Anyway I hope all goes well between you and your girlfriend
I agree no need to label yourself but it does sound like your gay anyway good luck with everything xx
That is quite funny. I was really worried I was wrong when I first came out but eventually I said to myself, you know what the worst that's going to happen is I'm going to decide I'm wrong and straight and yeah it will be a pain but I'll get over it. So I went for it and never looked back.
