Hello everybody! I´m new here. I am 29 year-old female. I have a question for you because I really cannot solve it on my own. I have always been pretty sure (ever since I was like... well,, at least eight or even less) that I am attracted to both males and females. I am more sexually oriented (so to speak, ´cause I have never had sex) towards men, but only slightly, and I don´t think that´s going to change becase I have always been like that and it never changed much (although I know that some people´s sexual orientation changes through times). I am like 60 percent heterosexual and 40 percent gay, which makes me bisexual, I think. I never gave a sh*t about it, I would be content with any sexual orientation and I am not lying to you or even to myself. What I am SCARED about, though... is my perceived inability to fall in love IN GENERAL. Either with a male or with a female. And I dunno if it is cased by by inexperience in that field or simply by the general lack of emotions. It can be innate, because I was diagnosed with Asperger´s last year, which is a form of autism (this problem is really complex). People with autism usually have problems identifying emotions within themselves. They usually think they are emotionally dead, when they really are not, but they just cannot recognize what kind of emotion is this and that. This mental state is called "alexythimia", and is pretty common within the autistic community. I have also a diagnosed form of OCD and anxiety as a commorbidity (commorbidity is a subsequent disease, so to speak, who accompanies the main one). rerently, I have been giving it a thought and I think I might have been misdiagnosed with Asperger´s, though I have most of the symptoms, I don´t have the major one anymore - but that would elad us to a completely different discussion. You know, I dated two guys. Well, DATED... this problem of mine is not about sexuality, but about my inexperience in the love field, perhaps in the inability to open up to other people (because I have really BAD experiences - my first ex just wanted to sleep with me and then put the video on the internet, my second ex tried to love me but could not, because he was a diagnosed sociopath, and these people cannot fall in love... even if my boyfriend really WANTED to fall in live, but he never felt anything). I had sex with neither - from understandable reasons. I´d SO want to date somebody - whoever - but I am afraid that like last time, if I approached anybody, I would not feel anything, even in the midst of kissing or sex, and that frightens me. Even if I kissed girls, I did not feel anything. I did not KNOW what I felt, to be honest. How can I KNOW love? I am afraid I will never learn what is it like to be in love, and that I will stay alone. After those bad experiences, I refuse to give myself just to anybody who is willing. I need to find somebody who is as f*cked up as me to understand what the hell is going on in my head. See, I am not scared about being gay, I am scared about being AROMANTIC. But I know I have really closed myself from other people. I have always had a wall around myself in order to be protected from other people. I have not felt much loved in general in my life. And si I have been doing this thing for such a long time that this habbit might have reduced my romantic feelings towards any gender. Or could it help if I opened myself more to other people? Whaddya think? I am really desperate. As I said, this is not just about my sexuality, this is a compley issue. Thank you.
I would answer but have no advice for I'm still not sure myself but can relate to some of your issues, but in all honesty can't give you any advice. Just give it time someone will respond with help or advice.
I saw your post earlier and since then I've been mulling over what my answer to it is. In short, I don't really have an answer because there's lots of potential reasons for you feeling like this, and I'm in no position to discern what caused it. I would say the lack of answers isn't so much that people don't want to answer, but like me and ThePhoenix they don't know what to answer with. Honestly- if people are online and they see a thread they think they can help with on here, 9 times out of 10 they'll answer. I'm sure some others will answer in time. All I can say is I feel a similar way to a certain extent. I have no real conception of what it's like to be in love, not many people seem to give me strong feelings and I rarely feel the need to seek out a relationship or open up too much. With regard to what's going on, it's hard to say. It could be a defence mechanism for not getting hurt, it could simply be that you're a very introverted or individualistic person and you're naturally distant. It could be many things tbh, not necessarily just one either. Imho, maybe you should try opening up to people; just make sure you're doing it with the right ones. Finding someone who takes your feelings and emotions into account might change your view of people and make you want to reciprocate.
Thank you. I am glad that people are thinking of me; that they have not utterly forgotten about my post.
Hmm I honestly don't know much about Asperger's or other forms of autism. Perhaps it would help to hear from other people with Asperger's, or to speak with a doctor with expertise in that area or something. Barring that, the advice I would give would be not to judge too much from the kinds of "romantic" experiences you listed. Since those people weren't very capable of being in a loving relationship with you, its easy to see why you might not have felt that romantic attraction in return. Most of us also wouldn't experience strong feelings of romantic attraction in casual/hook-up situations where we haven't gotten to know the person very closely yet anyways. Romance can take a lot of time. Perhaps if you give it another shot - this time with someone who isn't primarily looking for sex - you'll gradually find that you can experience romantic attraction. In fact, the only way you're going to find out is if you try, so go for it!
I highly, highly doubt you're aromantic. But I do think the combination of the Asperger's and the anxiety are probably working together to make it more difficult to experience the emotions that most people experience. I have limited knowledge of Asperger's so I don't feel remotely qualified to offer any meaningful advice or thoughts about its impact on your ability to love and feel love. However, the anxiety and OCD (interrelated because they're affected by the same neurotransmitter pathway failures) are probably a pretty significant contributor. Finally, the "wall" around yourself is very, very likely to be the main problem here, and that, in turn (Asperger's symptoms excluded) is usually a byproduct of shame, which causes us to feel disconnection and numbing from others. Take 20 minutes and watch Brené Brown's TED talks "The Power of Vulnerability" and "The Price of Invulnerability." Both talk about how the "walls" we create around ourselves prevent us from feeling emotion (including love.) If those videos resonate for you, I'd suggest her books "The Gifts of Imperfection" and "Daring Greatly." Dr. Brown's work is extraordinary in helping people understand and work through the issues that limit our ability to experience and enjoy connection with one another, and to feel the emotions that are a necessary part of that connection.
Hi! I have Asperger's Syndrome too, and I thought the same thing for a while. That being said, I'm kind of unique as far as Aspies go... I was rated INFJ on the Migg-Bryers personality scale, which is the rarest of all types and considered highly empathetic. So I may not be the best example. That being said, what eventually happened to me is that I realized that i'm only particularly attracted to people who think as much and as deeply as I do. There is now proof that autistic brains are roughly 45% more active at rest. It's not that we aren't emotional, it that we think so much that we can't handle the amount of emotional feedback we get (more than most people) so we shut our emotions off, so to speak. In my case, eventually I found someone who I could understand without saying a word. Of course, that isn't always possible. Just try to find someone who genuinely cares. If you're still in school (I assume you are), these people can generally be found in the corner of the lunchroom, as far away from everyone else as possible. Because to us (and them), most people are more like robots who think with there genitals, which is extremely disheartening. TL;DR: Find nice people.
Hey, I know this thread is old but I want to say I feel the exact way you do and was wondering if you've figured anything out. I have OCD (awful intrusive thoughts, I often have to spend months proving to myself that something is real or not real due to these thoughts.) I don't think being aromantic is bad or wrong but I am terrified and scared that I'm aromantic and really hope I'm truly a lesbian.
