Hey guys! So, newbie here! As I've said in my presentation post, I'm French, so my English is not perfect. So I apologize in advance for any mistake I will make that might grind your gears. I'll try my best not to make any, though. Anyway, that's not what I want to talk about. As you can guess, I've been questionning my sexuality for a while, several months actually. It's a bit complicated. I guess I should start with the beginning. As much as I hate to talk about this, and how uncomfortable it makes me, I have to, because it's all connected. I'm smart. Like off-the-charts smart. I took an IQ test when I was just a kid, and let's just stay I scored well. And because I'm so smart, the people around me assume I have to be perfect: great career, great job, great husband, great kids, great house... My relatives accept the fact that one may question their sexuality, as long as it's not happening to me. I'm not allowed to have doubts. I'm not allowed to be different thant my parents, to go off the beaten tracks. That's why I wish I didn't know about my IQ, because people assume it makes me different, when it really does not. I'm only human, I have flaws, and I sometimes fail and mess up. Now, this kind of intelligence often comes with a bunch of not so funny stuff: hyper sensitivity, hyper-empathy, intense brain activity, heightened sensory receptiveness, a very strange way of thinking... It makes it really hard for me to have normal relationships with people. I understand them too much, and I don't understand them at all. And I often find it easier to be around other women, because they are, most of the time, more sensible and empathetic than men (I'm not saying men aren't). My relationships with women are easier, and they are healthier. Besides, I'm not really girly, and most guys have a trouble with that: I'm extremely protective towards my loved-ones, and I would go to great lengths to keep them safe, I have a lot of anger and I'm not afraid to speak my mind, I never express my feelings and I never admit to being hurt or sad, I'm not one for hugs, I don't do girly stuff (shopping, gossiping, doing my nails...no way, that's not for me). And yet, and it's hard to explain why, I still feel safer around women. More myself. I get to be the protective one, I get to be the strong one, while I can never seem to have that when I'm with a guy. Most guys do not really see me as a girl because of who I am, and they see me more as a buddy. I feel more myself around other girls because of this I guess, because they still see me as young woman. I've always felt that way, and I've always thought it was perfectly normal. Until my feelings changed, and I started to also have a physical attraction for women. It started discretely. At first, it was just a sudden desire to lean in and kiss a girl I was finding attractive. Then it was checking out girls in the street or at college, catching myself being more interested and attracted to the women in a movie or a series than I was of the men. And then it was, when talking with friends about how we imagined our future life, imagining myself living with a woman (without ever admitting aloud). Feeling jealous while watching a friend, who is a lesbian, kissing her girlfriend. Now, I've been with guys before. I've had two boyfriends. I never slept with any of them. There was the fact I was younger at the time (15, then 17), and there was also the fact that, both times, I broke up before things got too serious. That kind of proximity with another human being terrified me (still does). I'm so empathetic that people let me in without even realizing it. And I feel what they feel, and sometimes, it's so intense that their emotions become my own. I can't help it, it's just the way I'm wired, but it feels wrong to know so much about someone when they don't even know it. And I can't let anyone get that close to me. So whenever things were getting serious (they were both stand-up guys, with genuine feelings for me), I would break up. But when I was with them, kissing them and all, it felt good, and it felt right. I wasn't feeling disgusted or anything. I was genuinely attracted to them. And I'm still sometimes attracted to guys (I don't know many guys right now, and I don't get to meet new people often. And most of the guy I know are already involved, so they're off limits). I was starting to fall in love with a guy last year, so I know for a fact that a part of me is still attracted to men. But today, I'm so confused. Part of me feel like it would be easier for me to be with a woman, that it would be easier for me to let her get close, to build a real and committed relationship. I feel like I couldn't have that with a man. And I'm also really physically attracted to both men and women. And it confuses me. I guess that, in the end, we don't fall in love with the gender of a person, but with their personnality. At least, that's how I feel. And it so happens that I get along with women better. So what does that make me? Bi? Everything I'm writing is probably confusing. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. If I should rather ignore my feelings and stick to guys, or if I should act on my feelings and try and be with a girl instead. I have noone to turn to, noone to talk to. The only person I could talk to is my best friend. He's bi, but he's still closeted. I'm the only one who knows about him. He's been seing a guy for a few weeks now, and I know he's very confused about it. So I don't want to bother him with my feelings, he's got so much on his mind already. I know it would only cause him more turmoil, and I don't want him to get hurt because of me. Damn, I really feel messed up right now. I've got so many stuff going in my life right now, they've just been piling up for the last month (car problems, money problems, and some serious issues with my parents), it's hard for me to deal with everything. Sorry, I just realized how long my post is. Anyway, thanks for reading it if you have. I sincerely hope one of you guys will be able to help me.
I'm not the best person to help you because I'm still confused about myself. But I think if your feelings are leading you toward women you should act on them. Even if you are bi and could theoretically be with a guy instead, forcing yourself to do that isn't a good idea. Especially if part of why you're doing it is to please your family, which is the feeling I get from your post. (Oh, and your English is perfect. I wouldn't mind if it weren't, but it is.)
Thank you for answering me. It's not that I'm trying to please my parents, it's that I'm trying to avoid any more conflict with them. I almost got kicked out about 18 months ago, and they threatened to cut me off completely (which is illegal in France. Even if I'm major, my parents have an obligation to financially support me as long as I carry on my studies). In the end, they did nothing, but I really got hurt. Things were getting better, and now, they're threatening me again. They don't like my choices regarding my studies, and they're threatening to cut me off if I don't do as they like. So I'm in a really delicate position right now, and I can't afford to make things worse with them (and telling them I'm seriously questionning my sexuality will make things worse). It's been going for a couple of weeks, and it really isn't helping. I was already under a lot of stress, and now it's worse, and it's sending me back to a moment when I would just rather not be thinking about my sexuality. And I really don't want to take a step back.
Based on what you've described in your main post, I'd venture a guess that you could be categorized (though I don't agree with pure categorization) as bisexual and more homo-romantic than hetero-romantic. Bisexuality is a confusing, confusing, confusing place to be if you're stressed, and I empathize with you for being so stressed but also wanting to get your sexuality 'sorted out.' You're in a rough spot at the moment. (*hug*) I know you're looking for an immediate answer to this, but I think your sexuality could go multiple ways in the future. From my experience as an EC user, I know that the feelings you've described are typically the feelings of people in the 'transition' stage between acknowledging themselves as heterosexual and acknowledging themselves as homosexual. Your brain naturally doesn't want such an immediate change, so you gradually shift from recognizing your heterosexuality, to bisexuality, to homosexuality. I went through the same feelings, but for a gay male. The other, less likely (in my opinion), possibility is that your sexuality is staying where it is. You could be a bisexual, homoromantic woman. I'm sorry that I can't offer a definite answer. Human sexuality is a fluid thing, and it changes on us without our knowing about it. You might be able to come to a conclusion about your sexuality by thinking about it, or you might just have to wait for the feelings to come to you at their own pace. Waiting for an answer is stressful, but I can almost promise that you will know sooner than later. Regarding your parents If you're worried about raising tensions with them, I wouldn't mention your sexuality questions to them until you have a more concrete feeling. If you know your own sexuality concretely, you will be 1) more 'believable' 2) better able to explain it to your skeptical/incredulous parents. If I didn't address something you were looking for a response to, let me know. Like I said - I know it's a confusing feeling, but for me, time sorted that out. Hope I offered something helpful. <3
Thanks a lot for taking the time to read my post and for answering with such a detailed answer. It really makes me feel better to talk about it, and everyone is so kind here. I didn't know one's sexuality could shift so much in their life. I mean, I always figured out our sexuality was kind of fixed. It never occured to me you could shift from straight to gay, or from gay to straight. The more posts I'm reading around here, the more I realize how complicated our sexuality is. That it's not always black, or white or grey. It is amazing, I think. This whole thing scares me. And I don't like being scared. Usually, when I'm scared, I just get angry and face my fears head on. But I can't really do that, and it scares me even more, because I don't know what else I can do. I have a lot of anger, and it is always what has saved me during hard times. But right now, I'm not angry. Those feelings I have, they don't make me angry. They make me scared, and stressed out, but they don't make me angry. And I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal without anger. I am aware of how unhealthy anger is, and how it is sometimes killing me. So I guess I should be happy, because if there's no anger, then it means those feelings are healthy and I shouldn't fear them. Damn, everything's so confusing right now. My mind is racing, you know? So many thoughts, crossing my mind so fast that I can barely comprehend them. But a part of me is more peaceful. Talking about it makes me more peaceful. That's a good thing I guess. Another step. Anyway, thanks again, TJ. Can I ask you how you managed to be at peace with yourself regarding your sexuality? If it was just time, or if there was something else?
Aye haha - I know that the amount of thoughts going through your head can be pretty crazy and mind-numbing, but it's good that you're not angry. Regarding my sexuality - It was time that sorted it out for me. I knew I was attracted to men but didn't know if I was attracted to women. So I gave it about two years of me being a teenager. Watching the porn I wanted to, living life more, seeing what my desires were, what I thought about my future and who I'd want to be with. It ended up being a man for those things. Like I said, it can just take time. You've got to be patient while you figure your own self out. It seems like you should be able to know yourself instantly because, well, you're you. But sadly, the brain doesn't work like that, so even with a killer IQ like yours, you might take longer to identify your sexuality than other folks.
So, I saw my best friend last night. We talked about the guy he'd been seeing, and we talked about how some scientists think that bisexuality is the natural sexual orientation of most animals, including man. I really tried to tell him about myself, but I couldn't. I just froze, you know? Like I had suddenly forgotten how to form a phrase. At work, yesterday, I was joking aroung with a collegue, and we ended up talking about relationships. I told him how I didn't mind being single, and that it's better to be alone than in bad company. He told me it's a bullshit saying, and that noone likes to be alone, and I was just saying that to convince myself that it was okay if I didn't have a boyfriend. I almost told him that, right now, I'd rather have a girlfriend than a boyfriend, but I couldn't. I froze too. A few days ago, I was with friends. We were in class, translating something. I can't remember exactly how it came to it, but we ended talking about the French word "tapette", which can either mean "wimp" or "queer". My friends wanted to use it in the translation (they were thinking of the "wimp" meaning), and it made me angry. I told them I'd rather not, that it was really pejorative to the LGBT community and it made me uncomfortable to use it. But I couldn't bring myself to tell them why I was so opposed to it. I'm so frustrated. I feel like I'm going nowhere, and aren't any closer to coming out. I really want to say it, but I can never seem to take the step. Like when you really want to swim, but the water is so cold that you can't resolve to dive in. Ugh, it's so frustrating! And I've been so tired lately, my insomnias are back, I've been feeling sick for two days (I haven't been sick, not even once, in ten years. So it's a really weird feeling.), I probably have a throat infection so I have fever and I can barely eat anything. It's not helping with stress. The whole thing is killing me! Why can't I just say it? I mean, how hard is it to say "I'm bisexual"? What should I do?
I had a dream a few days ago. It was a good dream. I don't really remember what was happening or anything, but I remember how I was feeling. And I was feeling safe. I remember being with this girl (she wasn't real, I mean she wasn't anyone I know. Just a made-up dream character), and she made me feel so safe. She was funny, and caring, and protective. After a while, we kissed, and it was like nothing I've ever felt. It was just one kiss, nothing else, but it felt good, because in my dream, I wasn't closeted. It was just such a sweet dream. And that dream makes me all the more frustrated as I'm not getting any closer to telling anyone anything. There are a few people I know I could talk to, people who wouldn't judge me and wouldn't mind. But there are only two people, other than my best friend, to whom I would like to tell the truth. But every time I try to tell them that I think I probably am bisexual, I can't do it. It's like my mouth is suddenly disconnected from my brain, and I can't say anything that I want to say. I don't know what I'm so afraid of. I have amazing friends, who would never think any less of me just because I'm bi. So why can't I tell them?
I guess so. I just have so much trouble opening up to people. I have some severe trust issues, and even though I would lay down my life for a few friends, I still have trouble trusting them with my secrets. Even when I'm feeling really bad, and really down, I still don't ask them for help or admit to them just how bad I feel, because I don't want to be vulnerable. It's stupid, really, but I can't fight it. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I would feel so vulnerable telling my friends I'm bi. And I've just got so much on my mind right now, it sucks.
That's part of what coming out is - you make yourself incredibly vulnerable when you're just starting to come out. That's why it's best to tell those people closest to you who you know you can trust. You're always taking a risk when coming out to people - that's just the name of the game. But the rewards and feelings that you have when it all ends well far outweigh the chances of it going badly.
So you dip a toe in the water and think it's too cold. What happens if you jump in? It's a bit of a shock at first. You don't have to stay in very long to come out feeling invigorated. Loving a friend enough to lay down your life makes you invulnerable. Unburden yourself.
