Hi, sorry if this is offensive to you. I've been questioning my sexuality for awhile now, but as time goes on and I'm becoming more and more sure that I am a lesbian, I start to become more and more homophobic. It's the romantic stuff that is hard for me to watch, not the strictly sexual. It has always been hard for me to watch lesbian relationships play out on some level, but I always got into gay couples and usually rooted for them on TV shows and such. When I watch intimate interactions between gay and lesbians there is a lot of general discomfort and a touch of dislike for it all. I've always supported gay rights, and now I'm completely indifferent towards it all.. leaning negative. I feel so guilty for all of my feelings. Has anybody else gone through this? I need advice. Am I only feeling like this towards others because I can't accept myself and feel shame in my own self? I don't want to be homophobic, but at the end of the day I really don't want to be homosexual either and I am. Honestly at this point I'm ready to declare myself celibate and just avoid everything on the topic.
I have/had ( it still kinda , but is better ) a case like yours . So , in our entire lifes society puts alot of things in our head , and this is since you're a little kid , like , i remember when i was 4 and i heard people insulting others with the word "gay" . When we're so young and so inocent , we don't know what it is and our mind and we just follow what is in the enviroment . It deeply builds our minds . In my case , my first crush of my life was on a guy , i never had attraction on girls . Is kinda obvious if u see what is my case that i am gay . Since i was a little kid i used to feel "something more" about boys , and didn't know what it was . At that i point , i didn't know what i felt about boys and not about girls was attraction , i didn't know what was sex and what was love , and it was all ok for me and i liked that with no problem . As time came , i discovered that society jugde that as a wrong thing , and something that always were right for me , started to become wrong , i started to feel bad about it , EVEN IF I KNEW THAT BEING HOMOSSEXUAL WASN'T A WRONG THING ,but society built my mind and will take some time to it disappear and i accept myself . I think that u feel kinda disgusted when u think about yourself in a gay relationship , i feel too , but its because what i said : people shitted in on our minds , they told something random that doesn't make sense so many times and persisted with it . Try to convince yourself with what you REALLY like and be stronger then this manipulation . This is why people are homophobic : society brain washes everyone , but u can decide what u want if u go agaisnt this hole manipulation and see that makes no sense to reject gay people and there is no sense to think that being gay is wrong . Hope it is solved your problem abit , anything more that u need , just ask :~) Good luck !
Homophobia is a well-documented phenomenon amongst queer individuals. It's a defensive reaction where we try to hide from others what was know is a risky identity. The thought goes like this: "if I visibly hate gays, nobody will suspect I am one." Now, in my dark days of middle school youth, I behaved in a mildly homophobic way, because I was deeply embroiled in shame and questioning, and I wanted to throw everyone off the scent. But in the end, I just had to accept that I am attracted to both men and women. It was scary, but accepting it and not continuing to perpetuate a culture of hate was one of the most beautiful decisions I've made in my life.
At one point in my life I joined a religion that did not approve of homosexuality. I didn't do it as a reaction to fears I might be gay, but I did join it even though I knew somewhere in my heart it was wrong. Anyway I agree with the above, it's normal to have these feelings and society definitely hands us a bunch of homophobic thoughts to deal with.
I understand the internalized homophobia from people who are surrounded by homophobic people everywhere, but I've never once heard bad comments about gays from people IRL. Yeah, I've heard different extreme views on TV and such, but never was I told to disapprove of gays as I was raised. Everybody, like I used to be, in my daily life is in support of gay rights. Now when people talk to me about it, a little part of me thinks stuff like "How can they think like that? It's not right." I just don't understand how I could have been so accepting of it all, but then have such an ugly opinion of it when it's me. It's like there are two parts of me that are constantly fighting internally, my newly homophobic and my gay side.
